Im afraid to quit my drugs because im afraid that im going to relapse again. Im afraid that if i continue I might not live to my next birthday. I feel like no one is there for me. My boyfriend has left me, my parents have lost faith in me. I am constantly escaping to the computer for video games and I find myself at 3 am that i am still on the computer. I suffer from many different mental and physical issues, like physically I have a condition that’s called Ehlers-Danlous syndrome, my mental illnesses go from general anxiety to psychosis. Ive struggled to find my place in the world.
You can do it. I recovered and function now. Keep trying. If you relapse again, give it another go. Never give up. You are stronger than you think. I have faith in you
Hey there,
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I also have Ehlers Danlos and some mental illnesses. Video games are somewhat of a destructive escape for me.
However, I think that if you started slowly distancing yourself from drugs you’d feel much better. Relapse is an expected complication from recovering from addiction for most people, too. Surround yourself with whoever you can support group wise, or perhaps find a meeting group for people with addiction, ehlers danlos, or mental illness. It sounds hokey, but groups where you can relate to each other in some way are incredibly powerful.
Please take care of yourself. People care about you and want to see you here. Your parents may have lost faith in you, but that’s not permanent.
Hey friend. Thank you so much for sharing - this hits SO close to home for me.
I know that fear WAY too well. I used drugs for 6-7 years and spent 20+ hours a day on computer games. When I first came to HeartSupport I was encouraged to give up on drugs and I fought so hard against those people because I was terrified of relapsing after getting X amount of clean time. and what would the point be if that happens right? I had a history of relapse in my self harm so why would drugs be any different right? “Why even try if you’re just going to fail” but… how do you know you’re going to fail if you don’t try?
Having said that… Now that I’ve found recovery, I did relapse, twice infact. It was horrible, I kept thinking to myself why the hell should I carry on if this is going to be how it is? You learn from them tho. It teaches you so much more than you know. I’m 116 days clean and even though I get close to relapses, I have people that are there to stop me. I’m proof that you CAN beat that fear of relapse - and overcome them if they are a part of your recovery.
You CAN do this friend. It is freaking terrifying, but you’re not going to be doing it alone. You have all of us here - we are with you every single step of the way. My parents are abusive and I’m still where I am today because my real family are here. You’re loved, regardless of what those people say.
Hold Fast
Kayla
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You can do it, we’re here for you. Whether or not you relapse again, it will be okay. Pick up and go again. You got this!
Thank you for sharing. It is hard to hold it all inside and to deal with the wieght of it all. Baby steps! your not a rat in a cage, you are the heroin of your own story. you can do it!
Hi @Riversong08,
I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and willing to share with us what’s on your heart. I may not share the same struggle as you (though I am definitely addicted to others things myself- including porn, and previously self-injury), but my coping methods have been the same. I’ve been using video games as a way to get out of thinking about my anxiety and depression, and sometimes it can be the most helpful because I get to be in a different world and just feel like I belong somewhere, where I can be safe and creative. Of course though, staying up late to do this takes a toll and it can become unhealthy. I’ve been staying up until 3-4am myself, and am still trying to kick it. I guess I don’t have the solution or a “way out” or anything like that, but just that I understand this part of the pain… and to let you know that the HS community is honestly here to be a support to you and love you. You belong here. I was accepted with open arms into this community, and you are too.
So much love for you,
Alex
Hey @Riversong08,
Thank you so much for reaching out! You are not alone in the fight. You have a community of people behind you who love you and want to see you succeed! Detox isn’t fun, but it’s the first step in the right direction to become clean and sober - don’t be afraid to check into a local detox center if you feel like you need an extra helping hand on the way down. Rehab can also help give you a jumpstart on the healing process by providing you with tools to help you along the road to sobriety. You got this! We believe in you!
-Eric