For some reason the past week all I have felt is loneliness. I just want to isolate. I guess it’s a feeling of no one would care if I was gone because there are a lot of other people who they will love and move on with. And those words are words I’ve never heard myself say- but I realize that they’ve been lurking in my mind for a long time now.
And it’s annoying because I tell people all the time that that statement is simply not true- no one can replace you, and I can tell myself that but that doesn’t mean I feel it. Which I should feel it. And I should know- but I just don’t. And I don’t know why. I have been shown so much love from this community you’d think my brain would get it and hold onto it- but it doesn’t. It’s like I just don’t want to feel it.
A lot of stuff has happened in regards to friendship in my life- in eighth grade is when basically all my friends decided to become popular and left me behind, and it just got worse from there. I feel like maybe they tried to include me in their lives- but I was so shy I backed out of everything, so maybe it’s just my fault why people leave me.
I guess whenever I see someone getting close to someone else I get scared because I just know that that person is going to drift away from me.
I have a dear friend who I love to death, but they tend to leave and follow a different group of friends for a while- and then when that stops working out they come back to me and I have to pick up the pieces. And that’s not trying to throw shade at them or anything- I love them so much- it’s just how I feel. Maybe I should talk to them about it but I always get scared I’m going to make people mad at me or make them upset.
Something that really hurt me was a boy that I liked and he liked me too, but he would never talk to me at school. We even sat at lunch together, right next to each other, and he never spoke to me. It was only through text. He talked about how he didn’t have friends but he would always walk around with his clique at school. I remember the day he tried to get my phone number but I was wary so I didn’t give it to him, and then a few days later one of his friends came over and gave me his number.
I remember how all the girls were blushing and giggling at my table- and I’ll admit, I was too. I never had a guy talk to me, and never had a guy actually interested in me.
So- I texted him. There were a lot of late nights, a lot of times I would blush and giggle. We literally hung out once- but he had some other place to go. Which was OK back then because it was 9th grade me.
Then in 10th grade my grandmother dies- and all he said was "I feel that 
" like that was it. And it pushed me over the edge because it’s like he didn’t care. Honestly I don’t think anyone cared- not when my dad almost died or when my grandma did die. I remember telling my chemistry teacher (who was really not nice) and she never cared o ask again- and no one noticed at school. I told one person and they never really asked about it. There was only one person who did and I don’t even have them now. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for letting these people back into my life over and over and over.
I hate myself for letting my heart get broke over and over and over and get stepped on by the same people.
I’m forgotten, and I always have been. Whether it be friends or family I am literally always forgotten. I’m the last pick and the last resort.
This is why I feel alone. This is why I have trust issues. This is why it’s hard to let people into my life. This is why I get jealous when I see people getting so close because I think that I’m thrown out- because that’s how it always has been.
I’ve been kicked out and let down and forgotten so many times. And that’s why right now I feel alone, and why I think people can replace me, because all my life it’s happened over and over and over continuously.
