Hi everyone, I hope you’re well if you’re reading this.
I’ve been struggling the past few weeks. I’ve been struggling with work and with finding the motivation to get better and correct myself and my mistakes; I can manage to muster some enthusiasm and motivation on some days, but most days I feel like I’m putting on a mask from the time I wake up to the time I get home. I can tell my work ethic is slipping week by week because I genuinely feel like I don’t care (which I feel awful about). I feel tired all the time, like I’m dragging myself everywhere and just going through the motions till I feel comfortable with leaving for the day. Today in particular was difficult for me, as I presented at a meeting and a colleague acting as a mentor to me was debriefing with me afterwards and giving feedback on what I presented; I sat there quietly as we debriefed, and while she was making good points and being very encouraging and respectful about it I couldn’t help but think in the back of my mind “It’s never enough” or “I just don’t care”. I’ve just been overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and that no matter what I do, it’s never enough so I suppose at some point recently I’ve just stopped “trying”. I need to finish what I started and those I work with deserve my best efforts with the remainder of my time here. I’m so close to the point where I can start looking for better fitting jobs and making a move to change my environment, but I am so close to saying screw it and giving up.
I’m so afraid that much of my self-worth is tied to my work and not much else; in the past 2.5 years I’ve lived in this city, I’ve made 0 friends and I am hesitant to reach out to family because I don’t need to burden them with my problems, and the times I do reach out people are either busy or they are trying to work through their own stuff which I understand and try to be helpful with. I shared on stream last week that I had opened up to my therapist about suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having, the first time I’ve ever told anyone about them in my life but not the first time I’ve had these thoughts. She recommended that I speak to a psychiatrist about trying medication, and possibly more intensive therapy to which I cannot commit as much time to as she recommended.
My chronic health issues aren’t exactly getting any easier to deal with either, so I’m having fun with learning to deal with a new “normal” which seems like at least every month or two.
I am working on what my therapist challenged me to do, which is to start reframing all these distorted thoughts and lies about myself that I have in my head. As I said, I am so close to a point in my life where I can make some changes and give myself at least a chance at something different and possibly better. I need the strength to continue moving forward, and whether I win or lose, succeed or fail, I can’t allow myself to quit.
Any positive thoughts or words would be loved and appreciated. You’re all wonderful people, thank you for reading.