I’ve never posted somewhere like here before. I feel like I am worthless and stupid and my husband hates me and my son would be better off without me.
I am always failing. I don’t keep the house clean. I dont clean up after my son’s messes all the time. I work three days a week, and i work from home, while watching my 1 year old son, the other two days. I feel like I am constantly neglecting work or my son or my husband or the house. My husband is always saying how he is the only one who cleans, that he stays up until 1am cleaning, but when I try to help I always end up doing it wrong or not completely and it’s not helpful anyway, or I’m doing it at the wrong time when something else is more important, or I dont clean because I have to make up work hours or I feel like I’m neglecting my son.
Plus I am never fast enough when my son falls or needs me, or I’m too overbearing when it isnt necessary; I am always forgetting my phone, which he is grabbing even though husband and I agreed to try and keep him away from phones; in fact I am always just forgetting everything, leaving things in random places, not finishing things, and I just dont know how I got to be this incredibly stupid.
Today we visited a butterfly house with my son. It was fine at first, my son and I left the greenhouse while my husband stayed inside a little longer to get more pictures. We hung around the exit, but not always directly in view, because my son kept wanting to run around. After a while I hadn’t seen my husband come out, so we walked back around and into the butterfly house again; he wasnt in there, so we walked back around to the front a second time in case we missed him. We didnt see him, so we walked back to the exit and started walking into the gardens wondering if he had gone that way. I didnt have my cell phone or else I would’ve called, which we knew before we left the house but agreed we probably didnt need it cause he had his if someone needed to reach us.
We finally went to the visitor center and I called him from their phone. He was livid, he’d been so worried we had disappeared and had been looking for us in the gardens, somehow we had missed each other at the butterfly exit. And he told me to shut up and he was mad and he didnt want to hear my explanation, which he has never done before, and suddenly I realized that all the things I thought I was doing correctly to try and find him were wrong and everything I did was stupid and everything I’ve been doing for months is reflective of some kind of deteriorating intelligence and it’s no wonder he gets so frustrated, everything I do is idiotic, my thought process is idioric, I’m completely retarded and I cant fix it.
I look at my son and I feel like he deserves someone so much better than me. Someone that will interact with him in an enriching way, who knows how to balance playtime and cleaning, who my husband trusts and believes in, instead of having to worry constantly about whether or not I’ve locked the car, or remebered to turn the oven off, or shut the door to the bathroom so my son won’t go in, or the million other retarded idiotic things I do every day. I want my son to have the world and the best life ever and I am not adequate, I am completely inadequate and I cant fix myself.
I just want my husband to love me like he used too, it was never like this before, he thought I was smart and capable and now hes always just frustrated and impatient with me. He wants me to see a therapist and he gets pissed off when I start shutting down. He deserves better than me for so many reasons but I love him so much and I dont want to lose him or my son. But I dont deserve either of them.