The suicidal thoughts are constant I can’t stop them. All I want to do is relapse and I’m scared I’m not going to be able to control the urges if they keep coming. I can’t keep fighting. I can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m never going to be able to fully recover. Drugs and self harm seem so tempting. They’re always there for me. Always. I’m running out of ways to cope my recovery is over I’m a failure. Maybe I should have just died. I don’t know. I need to just have someone tell me how to live my life because I’m clearly not capable of running it myself. I just need to relapse. I need to have control over something.
If you can’t trust yourself, go to someone who you can. Go to anyone you know, at this point if they turn you away they are heartless. Your life is not lost yet, I’ll never believe that. I believe in you. I know it’s hard and it seems hopeless. But please look to the sunset and feel our hope for you
I do not believe that your recovery is over. Recovery is a consistent journey. There are always things that we can become better at or challenges to overcome. But just because your challenge of self harm and drugs are still there doesn’t mean you can’t over come it. You don’t need a relapse. You are so strong for overcoming both of those things in the first place. When you are weak leaning on people you can trust is the best thing you can do. It helps to get those thoughts out of your head and tell them to someone who can help you through them. Community is so important and vital to recovery!
Hey Kayla!
I believe in you man. You’ve done so well. I’m proud of you.
Your mistakes and shortcomings will Never, Ever define who you are. You are beloved.
I saw this quote on Tumblr the other day, thought i share it with you.
You are so loved. I believe in you.
“You may feel like you will never get better. You may feel like the pain will never end. That you will never by happy again. But guess what. You have made it through every single on of your worst days so far. You can and will make it through this too.
Recovery is no a straight line There are ups and downs, twists and turns. Some days are worse than others, but some are also better than other. Relapse happens, that doesn’t mean you failed. As long as you try your best and keep getting up after you fall, you will get better. Recovery isn’t always visible. Sometimes you don’t notice how far you have come until one day you look back and realize you are no longer the person you once were. Each day contains new experiences and lessons, you grow each and every day into the person you are. Keep your head up.”
-anonymous
Sorry you’re going through this. Some days simply are ridiculously hard, sometimes for no apparent reason, but it doesn’t mean the next one will be as hard. You did great this far, and you still are in the path for a better life. It’ll get better. Hold fast. We love you.
I’ll quote a dear friend of mine that I love and respect and admire SO much to encourage you @Kayla:
“Now that I’ve found recovery, I did relapse, twice infact. It was horrible, I kept thinking to myself why the hell should I carry on if this is going to be how it is? You learn from them tho. It teaches you so much more than you know. I’m 116 days clean and even though I get close to relapses, I have people that are there to stop me. I’m proof that you CAN beat that fear of relapse - and overcome them if they are a part of your recovery.”
I am sorry that this is happening for you. They never go away.
I’ve always tried to ignore them or put them in the back corner of my mind. (Yet they’re always there and most likely one day I’ll probably will listen to them. Until then I continue to fight.)
What is addicting, inflicted, uncontrollable will always be triggering. Sometimes you fight with success and other times you fail. It doesn’t make you a failure (even if you feel that you fail). It hurts when you know that it will not go away and is there.
I hope only good things come your way. Sending Positivity & Light.
@Danjo I remember saying that and I feel like I said it recently too. It felt good to believe it. It’s just all so freaking hard. The thoughts so hard to ignore.
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