So this girl and I have been seeing each other off and on for a good 3 years now, going on 4. And we dated for 2 of those years. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because we get along great and we definitely love each other, plus I have my own mental issues. But…(and I’m gonna be completely honest here) there are negative sides to being with someone that has BPD, as I’m sure at least some of you know. Granted, I’ve hurt this girl pretty bad in the past and I’m not gonna act like I’m just blameless here (which kinda makes me wonder why I’m even asking for a second opinion right now). She’s most likely never gonna trust me again, she’s extremely insecure to the point where I can’t even give her constructive criticism about anything (not entirely my fault but I fed into it), she’s extremely codependent, she always keeps saying she’s gonna leave and physically tries to as a “test” to see how much I actually love her. She keeps me up until 4 or 5 o clock in the morning arguing with me about things I did when I was single and not even talking to her. I could go on. But I’m not posting this to whine about my relationship. I just… I don’t know if she’s genuinely toxic for me like she keeps insisting. The thing is I’ve been around toxic people my whole life. I mean, my own mother was one of those people for a while. And so it’s made me to where even if someone is genuinely bad and unhealthy for me, if they have good intentions and they treat me okay, then I’m not gonna see anything toxic about that person. And I just… I don’t know what to do. I mean, I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me too. But I don’t know if I need to break it off for the sake of preserving my mental health or if I should stay and work through these issues. I’m so lost…
I would not want to tell you what to do, but consider this - Is loving each other perpetuating pain and no one can move on from past hurts or betrayals than it is toxic. If you both can forgive and let go of the pain and betrayal because you both respect each other then there is something to work with. You can never have a healthy relationship without respect and trust. Those two things are your building blocks. I hope this helps.
Hi! Your situation is really complex. Struggling with my own problems, I have learnt that self-care and self-love are the most important things in the world. So if you do not feel OK being with this girl, you should leave the relationship.
But I also think about the girl and maybe she just doesn’t know how to be better and treat you better.
Personally, I would tell her how I feel. Tell her that you can’t see a healthy future for both of you because of the way you’re experiencing the relationship. Propose her ways to control the ugly situations, because this is not nice for neither of you.
Maybe both of you can try to improve the relationship, and if this doesn’t work, you will have to think about your own well-being.
I wish you can solve this, and If you need to talk, here I am 
Thank you so much
But the thing is, it’s her that can’t let anything go. I mean, that’s a big part of BPD though. Borderlines can hold grudges forever. And it affects the both of us negatively. I just… I care about her so much and I don’t wanna leave her on her own. But I also know that that’s not a healthy tendency at all
Loving someone that needs understanding because their mind processes life differently in someway for some reason takes balance and understanding. A willingness to understand where they are coming from and the strength to temper your emotions and thoughts in response to their actions and self thoughts. In these situations you need to be careful. You give a lot of yourself, you may feel you swollow your emotions to save their feelings. You may think you are all they have the only one who understands. I was told I was codependent for feeling that way and doing just that. I believe people find each other for a reason, my husband and I both have our issues we struggle with, we have a patience and understanding and even a tolerance of each others lows and quirks as we like to call them. We respect eachothers hearts and treat them with care. We are far from perfect, we struggle alot.we both need support outside of our own relationship. I know someone with BDP who was resently diagnosed. The diagnosis came after a sucide attempt. Her family joined a support group partly to understand what BPD is but benefit from having a safe place to talk with other people who get exactly where they are coming from. Reaching out here is a great start and this community will always be here to support you and hear you. You may also want to consider looking into a local support group for loved ones of people with BDP.
Hey friend,
I don’t want to tell you what to do here, because obviously it’s a pretty complicated situation. But the thing with relationships is there needs to be balance, and there needs to be a healthy dynamic. Even if neither of you are exactly “healthy” (ie mental illnesses etc) there still needs to be certain things that exist for the relationship to be healthy. When conflict and issues arise, you both need to be willing to deal with them. One person can’t always be in the wrong, and grudges need to be let go of. Constant blaming and not acknowledging your own part in the conflict isn’t healthy. Even though you’ve both hurt each other in the past, you need to be able to forgive and move on for the relationship to last. Resentments are toxic. BPD makes things complicated. It’s a tough thing to deal with, both for the person with it and their loved ones. Some of the main symptoms cause some of the major struggles it looks like you’re having. You can deal with it, and your relationship can be healthy even with her BPD, but she needs to be taking steps to deal with it. Is she in therapy or other forms of treatment? If not, that might be making things worse in this situation.
This is obviously a complicated situation; you love and care for each other and want the best for this. But your mental health matters too. If this relationship is damaging your mental health, that’s not okay and not healthy. You need to take care of yourself. You both do. If you’re not in a healthy place, and she’s not in a healthy place, the relationship will just get more and more toxic. My advice here is to really evaluate the relationship. Are you both willing to work through these issues in a productive and healthy way? Are you both doing what needs to be done to take care of your mental health? If these things aren’t happening, it might be time to step away from this relationship. And I want to be clear that ending relationships that aren’t healthy is an okay thing. It doesn’t mean you don’t love and care for the other person. It means you can recognize that this is hurting more than helping and that you care about yourself too. You’ve gotta do what’s best for your own health or you’ll never be in a healthy and safe relationship.
Whatever ends up happening in this situation, it’s gonna be hard. Working things out or ending this both are super hard things to do. But you can do it, and you’re gonna get through this. I wish the best for both of you in this. We’re here for you whatever happens!
-Jess
Thank you so much <3
This really helped, honestly. Thank you (: