Isolation and Excommunication

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1

I do not know how to most professionally offer my experience, for the sake of benefiting the community, so I am just going to expound information as my (currently highly erratic and tenuous) brain pleases.

My Situation
-My old friends live in a way which I can no longer maintain.
-I am effectively denied access to important Citizenry details, which prevent me from working or travelling.
-My closest friends are too busy with important life responsibilities to offer me the time I need to feel less isolated.
-I am traumatised by violent and treacherous past events lain upon me.
-I am incredibly stoic and feel dishonourable when I complain or burden others with my problems. As a fervent guardian, sage and advisor to everyone I meet, I feel it is my duty to take small negatives in order to offer great positives to others - elements of efficiency, Vulcanesque mindset.
-I am unable to thrive myself, but am responsible for ensuring that 2 other humans thrive, further intensifying my Stoic endeavours.

Please forgive me for the arrogance inherent in this following bit, I intend no braggadocio.

I was born with a powerful and intuitive mind. I do not begrudge my formation, as I have never had an issue comprehending, virtually any level of, concept or discipline. However, my vast ability to think laterally or to meta-conceptually dissect the concept behind a conversation that has only just this second begun, makes it hard for me to communicate organically with others, instead forcing me to take on the persona of someone much more ‘normal’, and indeed making me seem rather intense, arrogant, or intellectually intimidating.

On top of this, the sheer volume of concepts and analyses flowing through my brian on a per-millisecond basis is staggeringly overwhelming, even at the best of times, and a great deal of my energy must be consigned to the dissemination of my thoughts, so as to provide the most appropriate and comfortable conversation to whomever I am with. Sometimes I am so consumed by my Council of inner dialogues, that I am unable to respond to people or continue my sentence (or in many cases, monologue) with the same quick rhythm most expect, due to small talk being so prevalent amongst their interactions, and the fact that speaking to me is more like reading a book.

I have gotten off-track, which is impressive considering I do not know what my Track even was… The real problem is that I do not just feel powerless, I truly am powerless to combat many of the pressures currently assailing me… but having very few options regarding peple to vent to… is hurting me.

I have been becoming consistantly more isolated and incapable of normal life for about 10 years now, and my Daoist training and personal discipline are beginning to wear incredibly thin. Each year I am amazed at the fact that I am even less able to act worthily than that point before which I thought to be rock-bottom. Now I have gone a few steps beyond what I know know was indeed rock-bottom. I have been compensating by knowing that I am a good person and that I can do many things rather well, also with meditation and keeping a universal perspective… but my compensations… they do not outweigh my despair, and have not for a couple years or more. I am truly scared.

All of which makes me feel as though I have failed to the Jesus-esque figure I always knew I was. (seriously not being arrogant, I really mean that in a sincere and personality-based way, but FYI - i mean human jesus, not happy hippy bible jesus)

2

I think I understood most of what you said. So I am sure I understood what you mean.

You did just this by your posting. As a writer, I learned that I only fail as a writer not because I am not published or got rejected. I would fail as a writer when I don’t write at all. A writer writes (whether or not they get published). Inaction breeds failure. So take this simple task as a success.

Your situation is pretty much similar to mine. There are a few differences (I won’t mention). As for the last part you seem to manage “To thrive” (imo) especially for the fact that you’re responsible for 2 others.

I have a similar experience but it isn’t from my intellect or maybe it could. I been diagnosed with schizoAffective disorder. So I have the experience of hearing many things including various amounts of dialogue going on in my head. A collaboration of conversations, recommendations, screaming, orders and contemplations. To some they may have a degree of understanding what I go through talking about my schizo part. So you may understand. It is like being both in an arena or a huge mall full of people and some of them are paying attention to you randomly and at the same time. (I also manifest shadow hallucinations at times, plus I argue inwardly with myself -bullying-) So my outwardly self is more a facade in a way because I seem very well put together and certain of myself. While inwardly I’m like a whole separate world filled with chaos.

Can you expound upon this. I’ve a clue what you mean but want to be sure befor replying.

I understand a bit what you’re going through. I can’t say that my life is normal either. Sure it is mostly do to circumstances beyond my control, while some of it stems from my own fault. I can’t help but dwell over my past sometimes. I also have that part of the schizoaffective that is bipolar disorder. (My moods are erratic and people can mistake me for being emo. I’m a fairly positive person since 2015, but overall my life my mood swings would be sad, apathetic, anger to frustration with a few cycles of manic sprinkled inbetween. Depression being the predominant phase that leads me into inactivity before 2016.) Depression is that overwhelming enemy that won’t relent. It leads to much fear, anxiety & stress. It makes me instable and feeling useless or empty. It also inspires and motivates me to push forward to accomplishing something with my life (odd enough). So like you, I’ve hit many rock bottoms only to find out that pit seems bottomless. It is in this phase you’ve got to realize that despair is a bottomless pit. Yet to be a pit it must still have walls. Meaning there is opportuniy to climb out of it.

I understand somewhat how you feel. I learned who I am. Know who I am. So this brings about assumptions and expectations. Maybe it is from pride or ego. When this assumption are dashed or expectations aren’t met then I feel disappointed or a failure. (Sometimes though it is because I was delusional.) You just need to cope with it and accept it. Acceptance is the answer, but contention is not always a good companion. So when you accept it then push forward with tenacity & determination. Consistency will bring forth ambition and then Success. I hope you understood what I said.

3

YKH,

Your isolation is self-constructed.
The lock and the keys are in your hand.
Your arrogance poses as superiority, but is fear of intimacy and connection, for fear that if anyone got close enough they’d judge you as less than you think you are.
So in order for you to preserve your self-perception, you differentiate yourself on any and every level you can so that their judgments would mean nothing to you if they were to pierce your isolation barrier and get close enough to deliver such a potentially fatal blow.
You are afraid of being deemed as inadequate, and so you hide within a shell of ultimate superiority, distance everyone from knowing the real you, only offer advice to them and “give” to them, but truly are just preventing them from being close AND proving your superiority by not needing them and being able to offer them something in return.
At the end of the day, you will have to face that fear. You will have to let others in. You will have to deconstruct your own superiority complex and look for similarities and connection rather than comparisons and self-elevation.
It will be scary, and you will risk what you most fear to expose, but as you’re experiencing, isolation is slow suffocation – better a life risked to escape this cage than to slowly die within it, alone.