I was debating about posting anonymously but I feel like at this point I’ve already spilled my secrets to the internet so I really don’t have much reason to hide at this point.
I’m finding myself plummeting down a never ending pit. It’s eating me alive. I have tried so hard for so long to keep my head up. I am getting tired of being told that I’m strong and that I’m this or that. To be quite honest, I feel like I’m nobody. I don’t even want to get up lately. I could sit here and say that I’m greatful for people and things in my life and I am. It doesn’t actually make me feel any better though. Maybe I’m a selfish person. I have no idea. I do compellingly believe that no one actually cares about me. My other voice says it’s not true but that voice is much quieter and I don’t know which voice to believe. People say that I’m loved and I don’t believe it.
I know why I feel this way, I know what day is coming and again my rational self is saying it’s just a day. It’s meaningless. It’s not like you’re going to wake up go out and get yourself raped. But my ptsd has me captive and the closer I get the harder it is to push those memories out. The more that I have to relive everything the more awful I feel. The more awful I feel the more I hate myself. It’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break.
I hate it when I feel like this. I hate feeling disgusting. I hate feeling alone when i know I’m not. I hate feeling angry. I am so mad and hurt at everything I’ve had to go through but I also hate that I’m even writing any of this right now because I sound like I’m whining and complaining. I sound like a hypocrite. Everyone close in my life has told me to get over it, to just move on already. It’s been 3 years. I lost my damn job because of this. I’m just so tired of fighting. I think I’m losing the battle. I don’t want to fight anymore. What do I have to fight for? Why am I busting my ass every single day? What is even the point? In the end I’m just another face out of millions on the internet. If I just disappeared i really doubt anyone would notice.
I am swarmed by friends that are dealing with their own struggles and you know, for once I would love to just say I’m hurting too and I never get to talk about it because nobody cares or wants to listen because their problems are more important right now. When I do find the courage to talk to a friend, I feel guilty because how dare i dump my problems on them? That’s why I feel so alone because I can’t even talk to my husband about it because it hurts him to hear it. I can’t bring myself to go back to therapy because that would mean having to confront things I don’t want to, even though I know that I should. I learned how to cope with everything, but I haven’t dealt with it. Not really. I never buried it but I’ve never really let it all out either.
I’m rambling. Anyway the point is…I don’t even know at this point. I just know that I’m sitting here on the floor trying to decide whether my life is worth fighting for.
Do you have a therapist to help you deal with your PTSD? I think that is something that you can actively do to help get yourself towards a more positive perspective. Also, doing something that you can brag about essentially could help as well.
Hey, first of all thank you so much for having the courage to post this. It’s not easy. Second, I am really sorry someone hurt you like that, and there is no time limit to getting over it or moving past it. You shouldn’t feel guilty for still dealing with it. It’s really okay.
Though your story is unique to you, I get this. You’re really not alone. But I just want to assure you and/or remind you that the really quiet voice you are hearing is the truth. People do care about you. It might be hard to believe but I want you to try to believe it’s true even when you’re not feeling it. You even answered this yourself:
You are not alone, and you know you’re not alone. It’s natural and human to feel alone sometimes, especially if there are things getting in the way of opening up to people about things you’ve been struggling with. From experience, if you isolate your internal struggles and pain, you end up isolating yourself. To stop feeling alone, you might have to “let it all out” to someone, as you said. That brings me to my last point.
You know that you should. That’s the key. Everyone could use counseling. It doesn’t make you crazy or weak or anything to seek professional help. It actually makes you quite strong, because as you know it’s not easy at all to open up to people about this stuff. The thing is, though, you already had the strength and courage to share it here, and by the sounds of it, in other places on the Internet too.
I know it’s harder when you’re in a room talking to someone face to face. Just earlier today I had a hard time opening up about my most hidden struggles to my therapist, but it really helps in the end. You can start off small, just saying how you’re feeling depressed, etc. Once you get more comfortable, you might be able to start talking about some deeper things. And hey, you might be surprised how much a therapist can help with limited information or context. The more they know, the better they can usually help, but they know what they’re doing (generally) so they don’t need to know everything right away to give you support.
I hope that helps to a certain extent. Bottom line is you’re not alone, and here at HeartSupport we really try to get that message across. You are important to this world and people really do want you around—the community here, your family, your friends that you say you’re surrounded with. We all care.
I know you’re getting tired of people calling you strong, but being open about this here shows a great deal of courage, and that tells me you have the strength to get through this. You can do this. We believe in you. And please let us know if there is something we can do to help, because you don’t need to go through this alone.
Thank you for that zleif. <3
You do know that a Therapist legally can’t force you to talk about anything that you don’t want to talk about right?
I have been through 7 therapists talked a lot about things that have happened. There are 5 things that I never go into details even if I mentioned them that I never talk about. They legally can’t force you to talk about anything you don’t want to or at least it is that way is the US.
Actually no I hadn’t thought about it that way. That does make it slightly easier to stomach the idea.
Well if a therapist try to make you talk about something you don’t REALLY want to talk about then tell them no. If they keep pushing repeatedly when you’ve no inkling to talk about a particular circumstance then you put in a grievance at the agency unless its a personal office. (If a personal office the grievance you file is at an overseer organization by the state. In PA it is behavioral health-I think it is called Beacon- now).
If the Therapist states that they’ve helped you as much as they could and see no reason to keep you as a patient. They can’t end it there, ask them for a recommendation if you wish to continue therapy. Legally (At least in the states) they can’t just drop you because they want to.