It's Too Late... It's My Fault

HeartSupport Support
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I’m writing this post from a very broken, angry, confused, and depressive place. I have so many questions left unanswered… and so much blame that I carry. Tonight I got news that my childhood friend took his own life this afternoon. Upon receiving the news I look back at our most recent messages, and the last thing I told him was this, “If I could take away all your pain and put it on myself I would.” Well I guess I didn’t realize just how much pain he was in (this was two days before).

Some may say that it’s selfish to be angry, but I’m not sure if the anger is towards him or myself or slightly both. He was such a good kid, he was on a full ride scholarship, and was on his way to graduating with a 3.8 GPA (on a 4.0) scale in December. I’m angry at myself because I should’ve known, there’s got to be something more that I could’ve done, or something I could have said to stop it.

Secondly I’m confused, I’m confused on why he didn’t tell me. We had the relationship where we didn’t talk all the time, but if something went wrong we both knew that each other was there. I just wish he would have told me, or showed something that would’ve made me know or think that this was coming.

Lastly, I’m so upset! He was a childhood friend of mine, I’ve known him for almost ten years now, and he pretty well became like a brother to me! He was someone I looked up to, I went to his sports games etc. I’m just at a lost for words and I don’t know what to say. I feel like I"m too blame. I’m afraid to even go to his services, because I feel as though there’s something that I could have done to prevent what happened.

I don’t know what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking right now, all I know is that I’m an emotional wreck, and honestly I hate myself and I feel that I’m too blame. I read the blog about a similar situation to this that Ben wrote (https://blog.heartsupport.com/when-suicide-prevention-doesnt-work-f6c7973096eb?source=linkShare-29d2dcb8cb7e-1533017464) and oh it just hits my heart, because I feel like I’m in a similar spot… Like there’s something more I could’ve said or done.

I’m sorry for how jumbled this post is, as it’s 1:45 am, and it’s been a long night after getting the news. I’m at a lost for words, and I feel like I"m missing a piece of me. Please keep him and his family and friends in your thoughts an prayers!

FLY HIGH BROTHER </3

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Praying for you and his family. This is not your fault. You weren’t to know. Don’t blame yourself but allow yourself to grieve. Sometimes it gets too hard to talk about things - we think it’s too much for anyone to handle and we would be a burden. It’s not your fault - you couldn’t have known how bad it was. I’m proud of you for fighting through this.

Hold fast
Kayla

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Hey @Monkey,

I’m so, so sorry to hear about your childhood friend. Please understand that it is not your fault. The last thing you told him was beautifully said. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Don’t put his death on your shoulders; you have a big heart and want to help people, but his well-being wasn’t necessarily solely your responsibility. Your frustration is completely understandable; it reminds me of the second verse of “I’m Sorry” by Joyner Lucas (Which I’m not going to link because the lyrics and music video are both extremely explicit, but the verse basically talks about the anger and mixed feelings toward his friend who took his own life). You’ll see your friend again someday. Hold fast.

-Eric

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Monkey,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your pain. It is natural to think there’s something you could have done. Because you wish there was. But the reality is, as alluded to in Ben’s article, sometimes you can do all you can, and yet the person still makes their choice. Please know you are not to blame. Hold fast. We are here for you.

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Hey, Monkey. What you have done for each other is remarkable and a goal that a lot of people have for friendships. I’m sorry yours ended so abruptly and sadly. Honoring his life rather than his death is an incredibly challenging thing, I wish I wasn’t lying if I said it was all sunshine and rainbows but unfortunately it isn’t. It gets easier, and you will grow with him in your heart, spirit, and soul. He is/will be proud of you, friend. I’m sending happy thoughts to you and his family.
You’ll recognize more of what i’m saying later on, after, but this too shall pass.
Hold fast, friend.
-On The Brightside Support Wall Team (Stephen, JoeJoe, Ethan, and Amanda)

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Hey friend,

This is a very tough situation and I am proud of you for being able to share and open up about this. I promise you that you are not alone in these feelings. I’ve been there.

Please know that you are not to blame. You could have done anything and everything to make him feel supported and that tragic decision is still not up to you. It is natural and normal to feel guilty and to put the blame on yourself – I did this for about a year – but I would urge you to try to move past those feelings as soon as you can. It’s a lie you are telling yourself, that you could have done something or said something to save a life when in reality it is not in your hands. Of course, it’s important to do everything you can to help people and love people, but in the end that’s really all you can do. It’s not your fault.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. That is a sad reality, but it’s slightly better than living the guilt. What I eventually began doing myself is thinking not about what I could have done, but what I can do now. Take this opportunity to be more conscious and intentional about loving those around you. I still struggle with this more often than I should, as do most people I think, but I believe trying to love people is one of the best things you can do.

You, him, family, and friends are in my prayers. Hold fast and live in the present. What you can do now. How you can change someone’s life today. We all love you and care about you. You are not alone – we believe in you!

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