I got my dream job a few days ago! I am still in awe that God gave it to me. During the interview, I heard this voice in my head, saying, “I’m giving this to you.” Now, this has only happened a couple of other times in my life. Where I literally could “hear” God tell me, through His still small voice, ahead of time, that he was going to make something happen. In the very, very rare occasions this has happened, I excitedly say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” And then it’s come to pass.
I have my dream job. Yet, I’m feeling more hopeless than ever. I’m having suicidal thoughts. I know. Hard to believe.
I took this job, FULLY KNOWING, God was giving it to me. After praying, and hearing his still small voice, I knew this was exactly where I am supposed to be. I accepted it. I’m SUPER EXCITED. You have no idea!
The days students don’t have school, I won’t get paid. I expected that would be the case. So now I have anxiety about not having a consistent amount on my paycheck. After living under the poverty level for SO LONG and getting super cheap health insurance due to that, I am scared of how much the premiums for the company sponsored insurance will cost me every month (especially with not having a consistent amount on my paycheck every month). It will cost four times as much as what I’m paying now. I figured, what’s the point of making more money if it’s just going to go to pay for higher insurance premiums??? Even if by some miracle I am able to keep Obamacare, my premiums will still be a LOT higher due to having a higher income. I’m scared about paying the company insurance premiums for summer, when I won’t be working. I will have to get a summer job. However, my current job will probably take the summer premiums out before, even further lowering my monthly pay.
My mental health can’t handle working a second job during the school year. That isn’t an option.
I still have the stupid lump in my breast. Now with all my fears of money, I really don’t want to deal with it. I was going to deal with it after getting company sponsored insurance. But now with that deductible being a lot higher than my current one, I don’t want to.
I was still planning on seeing the natural health specialist for my mental health. (She also happens to have been healed using natural methods for stage 4 breast cancer.) Who knows if that will happen now. I already am afraid of being able to pay the rest of my bills with this high health insurance cost. Thus, I’m very concerned about being able to afford the supplements this practitioner would prescribe. Considering a good chunk of my income will go to pay for health insurance. Please don’t tell me to just go to a doctor and worry about the money later. My mind absolutely cannot deal with this extra stress , financial or mental/emotional, on top of everything else!
I seriously am to a point where I have no regard for my own life. My mental health has been bad for so long. But I thought with settling in with a new job, things would get better. The prospect of being able to see this natural practitioner gave me a renewed sense of hope. Ha! Now I probably won’t even be able to afford the supplements this practitioner will prescribe. All because health care costs in the country are going to be eating the money I would have used to pay for them. If my body wants to kill me with cancer, so be it. I’m done. Take me out. I have no desire to live anymore. This sounds bad. But if it is cancer, and it gets too painful or makes it hard to live, that’s what suicide is for.
The real heart wrenching thing is, on the outside no one knows the pain inside. All they see if I’m super excited to start this job. And I SO, SO am! Yet, there’s all this turmoil beneath the surface. People would look at me like, “What do you have to be depressed about? You got your dream job!” If I look at this situation from outside myself, it’s heart breaking. I have my dream job, and I know God made it clear I should take it and trust that he’ll provide, and I still am having thoughts of not wanting to live any more. I spend time with God. I get a glimmer of hope, but the pain doesn’t fully go away. I know as a Christian I’m not immune to pain and suffering. But I really don’t see any hope anymore. I get my dream job, and yet now I’m dealing with new stress. I was really excited to see this natural health specialist, thinking I finally was going to get help with this anhedonia/stress/fatigue I’ve dealt with for SO long. And now, due to finances, that might be ripped away from me. If God would just miraculously take this lump from me, so I could feel a little relief from the burden of being alive, I would be so, so, so grateful right now.
In my heart, I know that where God leads God provides. I know that.
I also know that I’d rather have a job that I truly feel called to do, where I am required to trust God to financially provide for me, than to feel more financially secure and just be working a job to work a job.
Yet, the burdens never end. Life isn’t worth living anymore.