Alright friends I know I havent posted in sometime and I havent been on in sometime. Well life kind of gave me a full plate of a lot. I am very overwhelmed with lots of what is going on right now. Let me go back a little bit so explain what is going on and start there and than go into how and why I kind of left.
So first I know you all know I moved to Arizona and moved in with my best friend. That has been going pretty well yes there have been some issues there. I have lost a lot of things that I felt like I wont get back like I feel like stuff here isnt mine. It has been rough because lately I have been the one at home (I have multiple disabilities that kind of make having a job hard). I have been struggling because my friend has kind of been putting me in the spot of being the house care taker. I also have been caring for her dogs all day and training her two for her. It felt like I was being put in this place that she just expected stuff from me. A lot of stress got put between us because I was starting to feel very used. Life took a very big turn to where I was down many nights and like I was worthless because she came home upset at me because something wasnt done right or I messed up something and my anxiety got mad at me because I felt she was upset over something and she wasnt. I felt like so much was my fault. I keep trying hard to fight thoughts that were not mine. I am still struggling here. I kind of went into my darkness.
On top of all the stuff with moving my health has gone downhill fast. I have finally been able to do a lot of the needed testing to start trying to find answers to what is causing my seizures and other health issues. I am sadly still at ground 0 of finding answers. I have had an MRI come back clean and a 72 hour EEG come back normal and doctors all saying they have no idea whats wrong. Making it all more confusing why I am having full fledged seizures that are so scary. I am continuing to go down hill and it feels scary to leave the house with out my service dog Jake who I am at this point beyond glad to have. He has beyond shown me that he came from God. I keep getting anxious that he is too good to be true because something has to give there. That gives me so much anxiety because I need and want to believe that this is meant to be just like so much else but I always worry that chair isnt going to hold so than I prepare. Like with how my life has always been so much abuse and so much else I dont want to not be prepared to get hurt. I am trying to trust that my lovely boy Jake wont fail or that what I have right now will fail. I legit have been so far gone lately that I am beyond glad that I am slowly coming out of this. I have been struggling alone and I know I need to reach back out. I am trying hard to reach back out. It is like a fish out of water with no one around and suddenly someone comes to the rescue. I guess I am trying to reach for that rescue. I really should have tried sooner but here I am. I have been struggling and just shut down instead of turning for the help. I felt powerless and went back to what I knew and that was to shut down. To just shut myself off and go into a world of my mind and let my mind win.
I think what finally pulled me out the other day was the fact that I put music in my ears and it made me miss that day at warped tour the smiles. The fun and joy of that day. There have been a few fun days.
So I know you all are going to ask how can you help. First thank you for reading through to here. First Pray if you are able prayer that I can stick to my goal of reaching out. I need accountablity. I need people to keep me accountable because i get stuck in my patterns and I need help to get out of them. I want people to help me get back. I feel something that happened for me was I started to feel like a lost cause and felt like why does it matter any more any way. The problems in my health cant be fixed why keep trying. I just am going to keep getting sicker and I legit felt like I am just a burden so help remind me that I am not that burden. I have been struggling. Reminders of simple things like that helpful.
Thanks friends. I love you all.
Ash