Long time no talk

Alright friends I know I havent posted in sometime and I havent been on in sometime. Well life kind of gave me a full plate of a lot. I am very overwhelmed with lots of what is going on right now. Let me go back a little bit so explain what is going on and start there and than go into how and why I kind of left.

So first I know you all know I moved to Arizona and moved in with my best friend. That has been going pretty well yes there have been some issues there. I have lost a lot of things that I felt like I wont get back like I feel like stuff here isnt mine. It has been rough because lately I have been the one at home (I have multiple disabilities that kind of make having a job hard). I have been struggling because my friend has kind of been putting me in the spot of being the house care taker. I also have been caring for her dogs all day and training her two for her. It felt like I was being put in this place that she just expected stuff from me. A lot of stress got put between us because I was starting to feel very used. Life took a very big turn to where I was down many nights and like I was worthless because she came home upset at me because something wasnt done right or I messed up something and my anxiety got mad at me because I felt she was upset over something and she wasnt. I felt like so much was my fault. I keep trying hard to fight thoughts that were not mine. I am still struggling here. I kind of went into my darkness.

On top of all the stuff with moving my health has gone downhill fast. I have finally been able to do a lot of the needed testing to start trying to find answers to what is causing my seizures and other health issues. I am sadly still at ground 0 of finding answers. I have had an MRI come back clean and a 72 hour EEG come back normal and doctors all saying they have no idea whats wrong. Making it all more confusing why I am having full fledged seizures that are so scary. I am continuing to go down hill and it feels scary to leave the house with out my service dog Jake who I am at this point beyond glad to have. He has beyond shown me that he came from God. I keep getting anxious that he is too good to be true because something has to give there. That gives me so much anxiety because I need and want to believe that this is meant to be just like so much else but I always worry that chair isnt going to hold so than I prepare. Like with how my life has always been so much abuse and so much else I dont want to not be prepared to get hurt. I am trying to trust that my lovely boy Jake wont fail or that what I have right now will fail. I legit have been so far gone lately that I am beyond glad that I am slowly coming out of this. I have been struggling alone and I know I need to reach back out. I am trying hard to reach back out. It is like a fish out of water with no one around and suddenly someone comes to the rescue. I guess I am trying to reach for that rescue. I really should have tried sooner but here I am. I have been struggling and just shut down instead of turning for the help. I felt powerless and went back to what I knew and that was to shut down. To just shut myself off and go into a world of my mind and let my mind win.

I think what finally pulled me out the other day was the fact that I put music in my ears and it made me miss that day at warped tour the smiles. The fun and joy of that day. There have been a few fun days.

So I know you all are going to ask how can you help. First thank you for reading through to here. First Pray if you are able prayer that I can stick to my goal of reaching out. I need accountablity. I need people to keep me accountable because i get stuck in my patterns and I need help to get out of them. I want people to help me get back. I feel something that happened for me was I started to feel like a lost cause and felt like why does it matter any more any way. The problems in my health cant be fixed why keep trying. I just am going to keep getting sicker and I legit felt like I am just a burden so help remind me that I am not that burden. I have been struggling. Reminders of simple things like that helpful.

Thanks friends. I love you all.
Ash

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Acknowledging a problem is the first step. You have high value and a high ability to serve others. One thing that can be a great help is a book called ā€œBoundariesā€ā€¦which teaches that we do not need to feel that we are being taken advantage ofā€¦we each have the ability to speak to those around us and let others know what we can and cannot do. When I was younger, I had a big problem speaking up and asking others to take charge of their own problems. Sharing a home should be both people pulling towards a common goal. If one person enjoys cooking and cleaning more, then the other person in the home should be asked to contribute more financially, or to buy the groceries, communicating and making it ā€œfairā€ā€¦something like $10/hour of effort is reasonable.

Depression is a skewed thinking that makes little things seem huge, leads us to be tired or hyper, hungry or never hungry, and really messes with our self-esteem. Asking a doctor or nurse for a depression ā€˜testā€™ which is a few simple questions, can get you started in learning how to handle moods and thoughts that seem overwhelming.

I would encourage you to look at 24 hours and pencil in some enjoyable things, a walk in a park, a bath, have a friend over for a movie, or whatever things bring you pleasure. I can walk through a store, sniff the shampoos, feel the towels, and enjoy the art aisle without spending more than a bottle of shampoo thatā€™s pampering. We get so busy in this world, that taking breaks (even if itā€™s to read a book while on the bus), chatting with family while cooking supper several times each week, and being transparent with only those who can be trusted to give good advice, to listen with love, and to point you to truth. Many love you and feel separate from you by distance and silence.

These days should be grand ones, and I pray that they will soon be grand for you once again. You have so much good, and at the top if faith in God, prayer, intelligence, kind heart, giving, and the list would go on and on. Donā€™t lose sight of that. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Each thought, weigh it, throw it aside if it is not truth or not kind to you, recite the ones that are uplifting, Bible verses, precious things that you know are trueā€¦remember who you are and Whose you are.

Much love, Marie, aka Mom :slight_smile:

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Heyā€¦
Long time indeed.
Iā€™m gonna hold you accountable. Soā€¦ Tell me. How you been doing? Holding on, right? Just keep swimmingā€¦ Keep smiling. And lemme know how well youā€™re holding up. Or how badly. Just lemme know?
Iā€™d want to , noā€¦ Iā€™d need to know how you are doing. I want to listen.

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