Hello! I have known about Heart support for a few years now, & after i’ve completely lost who I was/am, I figured I would finally give this a go. I realized that I am not as strong as i thought I was & I didnt know myself as much i wish i did. Ill try to keep it simple, but basically, I grew up routed with a christain upbringing,but lacked in my faith with my relationship with God & invested more of my time in a relationship with a guy who had different values than me. And this is where I would spend my last three years unhappy because I was living in sin. I held alot of worth and value in staying away from sexual sin. However, my boyfriend at the time did not understand this, so my irrational feeling of not being enough justified my decision for this action. I thought In doing this i would feel loved for who I was. I never did. I struggled with these emotions of pleasing God or my boyfriend, & unfortunatly, i chose my boyfriend. but within the three years together our relationship was toxic and I would end up broken hearted often as hed tell me lies and lose my trust, and it broke me apart. I always thought, why couldnt i be enough? It wasnt working out anymore, and we broke up & despite everything I was heartbroken. I was confused of my emotions, I was angry, i was sad, I was jealous, I was lost. I started sleeping around, with people i never knew… something I would never known myself to do. & when that wasnt working and i realized what i had done I starting drinking and doing drugs. I would go partying every second day with my friends. Little did they know that I wanted to kill myself, because i couldnt believe what id done, i could not hold the weight of this pain in my soul and my body. I hated myself. I confessed to God and It took me along time to know if he still loved me. I am so thankful for his underserved mercy on my life.
Im only 22 and I cant even look in the mirror anymore. I have no value, self worth or respect for myself for what Iv done. These actions were so out of my characteristic anyone i known would be shocked of who iv become. How can God love me yet I cant love myself? Is it possible to value yourself after you’ve lost all your worth? How do you start loving yourself again? Iv hurt myself so much it seems impossible. Thank you for reading, any advice is appreciated! Much lovee, xox
I am sorry to hear you’ve had to struggle like this. Unfortunately I can’t help you on the religious side of things, but please know that other people in this world, such as us at Heart Support, value and love you. It is very courageous of you to post here and share your problems with others, and by doing so it means you are willing to seek out a solution. Keep talking with people you trust - you will find a way out of this.
Thank you for your kind words & love!, reflecting and writting out my emotions in its own has made me feel like im onto the right steps. Thank you!
I always forget how much writing can help sort out my thoughts!
Hi June,
I know I’m not in a strong place in my faith right now, but this is a video I have watched before in times when I’ve felt consumed with shame and self-loathing. I hope it might help you. I watched it a little bit earlier and I’m still struggling to see myself as loved by God but I’m trying. Just something that might help you:)