I am not sure that I know how to or even want to be happy and confident. I thought that I was making strides toward this mentality, but it turns out that I was just tricking myself.
I made myself an entire goal board and a weekly checklist of things I felt I needed to accomplish and everything else that one might need to do to “get their shit together”. I thought I was doing well, but as it turns out, I am purposefully sabotaging myself so that I can remind myself how much of a failure I am. I mess things up just so I can call myself worthless and weak and stupid. My counselor helped me realize this about myself, so what did I do? Stopped seeing her. And what have I done since I stopped seeing her? Criticized myself for it.
I have always, for as long as I can remember, felt trapped, lonely, miserable, worthless, etc and now I am trying to figure out how much of that was just me doing this to myself. Why don’t I want to be valued? Why won’t I allow myself to feel accomplishment in anything at all? Why am i being so self destructive? I so readily recognized my self harm and other self-injurious behaviors for what they were. Why did I not see how much I emotionally harmed myself? And how does one even stop doing something like that?
It seems so odd to me that all I want, literally all I want, is just to matter to someone, or to be enough for them, when in reality, I actually CANNOT feel that way about myself and I don’t trust anyone that says that I’m important to them. How is someone else supposed to want to care about me when I am combative about anything that might be good about myself?
I don’t really know where to go from here. I can’t escape my own thoughts and I don’t really know how to make myself act on something that I thought that I had been working on for so long. Why am I so against allowing myself to feel good about anything or anyone? I can’t even say “I just want to be happy” because obviously I don’t, as I, myself, am the biggest hurtle for my own happiness. I don’t understand why I am so angry at myself or what happened to create this much self loathing, and I am completely at a loss for what I can do to get out of my own way to make changes. And subconsciously do I even really want to, if I am the one constantly preventing it?
Just another reason to feel like a failure, I guess.