Lying to myself?

I am not sure that I know how to or even want to be happy and confident. I thought that I was making strides toward this mentality, but it turns out that I was just tricking myself.

I made myself an entire goal board and a weekly checklist of things I felt I needed to accomplish and everything else that one might need to do to “get their shit together”. I thought I was doing well, but as it turns out, I am purposefully sabotaging myself so that I can remind myself how much of a failure I am. I mess things up just so I can call myself worthless and weak and stupid. My counselor helped me realize this about myself, so what did I do? Stopped seeing her. And what have I done since I stopped seeing her? Criticized myself for it.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, felt trapped, lonely, miserable, worthless, etc and now I am trying to figure out how much of that was just me doing this to myself. Why don’t I want to be valued? Why won’t I allow myself to feel accomplishment in anything at all? Why am i being so self destructive? I so readily recognized my self harm and other self-injurious behaviors for what they were. Why did I not see how much I emotionally harmed myself? And how does one even stop doing something like that?

It seems so odd to me that all I want, literally all I want, is just to matter to someone, or to be enough for them, when in reality, I actually CANNOT feel that way about myself and I don’t trust anyone that says that I’m important to them. How is someone else supposed to want to care about me when I am combative about anything that might be good about myself?

I don’t really know where to go from here. I can’t escape my own thoughts and I don’t really know how to make myself act on something that I thought that I had been working on for so long. Why am I so against allowing myself to feel good about anything or anyone? I can’t even say “I just want to be happy” because obviously I don’t, as I, myself, am the biggest hurtle for my own happiness. I don’t understand why I am so angry at myself or what happened to create this much self loathing, and I am completely at a loss for what I can do to get out of my own way to make changes. And subconsciously do I even really want to, if I am the one constantly preventing it?

Just another reason to feel like a failure, I guess.

1 Like

@Badger

Hello. Nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing. You needed to get your thoughts and feelings out. This is something I relate too. I lie to myself of who I am, I don’t deserve to be happy, and so on. We get into this cycle, and becomes tiring. What we need to do is to listen to the truth. The truth is that you are loved, you are not alone, your life matters, you are not a failure, you are beautiful. This community has gone through similar seasons as you do. You are not the only one. If you need to vent more, this forum is open. I hope you are having a restful evening. God bless. Stay strong.