I really feel like I am breaking down here. A few months ago, I had my first mental breakdown and landed me in the hospital. I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder and depression. It has been much harder than I thought it would be to deal with mental health.
Since Jan 1, 2019 -
A close friend has passed away
My 10-year relationship ended
I had to move to a new place
My job position changed (not my choice)
In about 15,000$ of medical debt
Gain 45 lbs
I know it may not seem like a lot to others who deal with stuff way worse than I do. But this, this feels different. I feel so alone and that I cannot get anything done. This is the first time I have lived alone in 10 years and it is so difficult. I used to love my job and be so wanted and then the positions changed and I no longer do what I used to.
I do not feel wanted or that I am going to succeed in the future. I have things that I need to be doing and I just cannot bring myself to do them. I space out or sleep a lot. I have to take a nap every day just to rest from all the chronic pain and stress that I have. It is so hard to accept all the new changes that have happened and I am having trouble coping and completing tasks.
I tell people that I am ok and that I am fine, but I am not. Sometimes I am not even sure why we are here, we are just going to die anyway. My father died in my arms. I was 17. Just like that its over.
I started on some medication and it has definitely helped the panic attacks and anxiety attacks, but I cannot get out of my own head. The thoughts and the feels are always there and I do not know how to process all the bad thoughts that are happening…I just dont know how to straighten myself out of these feelings. I just dont know anymore.
Hi friend, I can relate to so much of how you are feeling.
I was recently divorced out of relationship that was about 15 years. I’ve also had to make a huge move from one place I didn’t know well to another place I didn’t know well. And where I have no local friends. I am unable to work out of home and limited to what I can so my finances are limited. I don’t have medical debt but I don’t have health insurance either since my divorce. I lost it. So I have no way of seeing my doctors or receiving the treatments as I need. I had to quit all medications cold turkey. I’ve also gained a lot of weight in the last few months alone. Not counting the last year.
It is a lot. And it matters. I hear you. I go through these battles everyday. Fearing my future and knowing that I have so much to do yet struggling to do any of it. Fighting for motivation and energy. Feeling depleted and like a failure. Fearing failure.
I too spend a lot of time resting because I have battled a lot of health issues, both mentally and physically most of my life. I fight with chronic pain every single day and have since I was a small child. So what the average person can accomplish in a day usually takes me several days or weeks. I burn out faster than most people.
I’m constantly getting lost in my head. In my thoughts. My anxiety gets bad and I don’t have much left as far as my medication. I fear what will happen once it’s gone now that I don’t have access to it.
You are not alone my friend. I both see and hear you. And I’m sorry that you are struggling right now. I want you to know that I care about what is going on with you. I care about how you are feeling. You are important. And while I know not everyone always sees what we go through or doesn’t feel like it’s much, I get it. And I know how easy it is for others to down play it because what may be a lot for us may be nothing to someone else. I get that too.
But I support you. If you need a friend, you have a friend here. I may not be able to give all the answers to fix what’s going on but I can be a friend and a support. I can offer understanding and care. You don’t have to go at this alone.
I hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort somewhere. And maybe some guidance from maybe a therapist. Or a pastor if you are religious. That can help you find the path to inner healing.
Sending you so much love my friend
Thanks so much for the kind words.
I have a therapist but she def does not do a good job at helping me. She just listens to me talk and doesnt say a word. I think I need a bit more at this point.
It’s so hard not being able to get our of your own head and really make sense of what we do all this for. Get up go to work, make money, spend it,. sleep and do it again the next day. For what? For who? Whats the point?
I also get very exhausted quickly, esp from people. I am so introverted and yet there is a loneliness after not having that partner with me anymore. I just want to feel better about what I have and make it seem like there is a purpose. I want to feel like what I am doing is good and that I make a difference, but it is so hard to see that. In the grand scheme of things, I am a drop in a bucket and insignificant in life. Just another human that will fade away like everyone else. I hate having these thoughts but its so hard to break 
Sounds like you may need to consider trying to find a new therapist. It’s so important to have a therapist you can click with and comfortably talk to and feel like you’re getting something out of it. 
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I had to go through a couple to find the right one. Totally worth it.
Hey @PenguinLove (cool username)
I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling. It sounds like some truly painful things have happened to you in your life, which are hard enough to deal with on their own, let alone with severe anxiety and depression. Life and existence are often a heavy burden to bear.
Please don’t give up. Recently I’ve had to learn the hard way just how much our mental state affects every other aspect of our lives. Its kind of silly sometimes how we can make our problems seem so much bigger and encompassing than they may be in reality, and that they have any right to be. Prioritize your mental health, without a strong foundation it is difficult to make meaningful progress. Often times if we meditate deeply on who we are and who want to be, we may find that although our problems haven’t gone away or changed, we have changed and are in a far better place to deal with them.
Don’t give up. Your continued existence and perseverance towards a greater good will serve as your act of defiance towards the things in life that try to break you.
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