My life has really taken a turn to the worse lately. Not only has my health physical health but also my mental health has gone down hill fast. Let me explain some things.
I have struggled with seizures for awhile but sadly they have gotten a lot worse. The day before thanksgiving I ended up in the emergency room. I had three seizures back to back that lasted about 4 minutes each or more in less than an hour. I have not felt good all week. I was given meds to try and help them but they are making me so tired. I feel like I cant do anything. I literally really cant stand up for long without being dizzy and upset. I feel like a failure because I cant do stuff. To top the seizures I have not been able to walk around for long without almost passing out. I feel like my body is failing me and that health is just stupid. For me it feels like I am such a burden and that everyone is better off without me because this is just too much stress. Sadly I also in the last week tried to overdosed on pain killers because I wanted to stop stressing others around me out. Like dealing with my seizures is a lot and I dont want to keep being something causing stress for people around me. So I keep thinking I am just better off dead. I cant do much any more. With the fact that right now I cant even walk I am stuck in this world of being in one place it is killing me. On top of that we dont have the funds to get me looked at for these health issues. My roommate is dealing with some mental health stuff and has been in a daily counseling thing. So money hasnt been coming in and i cant get a job. I keep feeling like I am the one failing here. That my health is failing me and this is not fair to others. I am really struggling to see it as worth living any more. I am really hating it.
I have actively been suicidal and upset over this. I am really tired of not being able to help around the apartment or keep doing what I love. I really am over on what all my life has right now. That feeling of being useless is sucking. My dogs (one being a service dog) have not left my side and they keep wanting to be near me. It is clear something is up. I just want answers but I cant afford to go. I also have had some issues that really make me feel like the life I knew is not going to happen any more. I feel like why do I keep going. What I know is not possible any more. So why do I keep going. I know I have people who love me and care but right now I feel like all I do is make them worry and scare them.
If you have read to here thank you. Thank you for the time.
Love you all
Ash