On the outside things look good…I have a well paying job (for now) I have someone who loves me and several family members also that care. But I have so much self hate and self loathing…unlike most of you I am an old man. I turn 50 soon, and even though I have a few accomplishments behind me, I am at best…“A Small Winner”. I was expected to be a big winner. But I ended up as nothing more than a nurse. Not someone important; and yes, maybe, I have been important in the moment to a few people over the years but any trained monkey can do my job. I made so many mistakes, wasted opportunities left and right, drank my way through a decade and now I am old. I have had 2 bouts of major depression in my life. On the outside all is great but tonite I feel like a complete failure. I have no graditude. I see the whole world run by con men and charlatans. I run around the planet on trips but realize I do them as trophies…And to run away from the fact that I am a failure. All of my peers are wealthy. I blew through my 401 k after leaving my last job…I couldnt stand the hypocrisy of a CEO making 2.5 million a year, yet not staffing the hospital. So I quit. Now I am working far from home. I work with a bunch of kids…all young enough to be my children, and also they treat me with contempt. No one in 5 months has as much as asked me to have a cup of coffee with them. My best friend is my cat. He is sadly like me getting old. We both have diabetes and I just hope I outlive him. If it was not for him and my elderly father who I feel responsible for I would probably end it all. There is a woman in my life but sometimes it does not seem real, and I am afraid she will find out what a subhuman wretch I really am. I almost cried writing this. I have not cried in a good while. I have been isolating and I feel alone. I had tried to work on eating better and for a week I did well then tonite I ate a double cheesburger, a 5 scoopa of ice cream a moon pie and a bag of donuts. My rationale was that it was better than getting drunk, but my blood sugar is probably theough the roof. I really have been committing a slow suiicide through my eating for a decade which has ledt me impotent and wretched. I hate my life and I hate myself. I am ugly and fat, old and missed the boat. I also just realized this has to do with heavy metal.music…which I know zero about anymore. I thought for some reason it was a depression forum. So no need to reply.
Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about what’s been going on. I can realate a ton to what your saying. I will say from working at a hospital and as someone whose had a decent amount of surgeries nurses make a big difference and not everyone can do it. I’ve talked to folks about feeling like a failure as I don’t feel like I’ve had any big success in my life. They said we tend to shoot ourselves in the foot when we try to live up to big goals as we don’t see the day to day small accomplishments. In those moments helping patients you may feel like your just doing your job but to a nervous or scared patient, have a great nurse is making their day. I think it’s also important to remember your lady friend is choosing to be involved in your life so that’s awesome. She likes being around you for you, not who you’d like to be. Nothing wrong with being older on here, I’m definitely not as young as a lot of folks in here but the diversity of the group is one of its cool strengths. From a personal side I struggle with stuff and exercise helps a lot. Even if it’s just getting out on a walk with my dog.
Just want to say you are so not alone, isolating isnt healthy and you are not alone. With the self hate
i feel you on that , i went through that lastnight i felt like i was a faliure , disposable, not lovable.
you made mistakes, well okay , you got to move forward you got to learn from your mistakes.
You are not a failure! if you fail, you just gotta get back up and take baby steps . im sorry your going
through this and we will be here to help you when ever you need it .
Hey friend! Thank you for sharing. Man, this was a hard read.
I get this to an extent… I’ve never really had people around me that bother reaching out to me about how i’m doing, or if i want to do something… Even for a good while after I joined HeartSupport I didn’t feel like I was loved or cared for, but, I know now that actually, I am loved, I’m not on my own. One thing I’ve never really spoken about is that 4 years a go, I had plans to go off to University to get a degree in Psychology and mental health nursing, learn to drive and go out and help people… I was accepted into the uni and had everything ready, but my mum fell ill with arthiritis quite badly and I pulled out, put EVERYTHING i wanted to do on hold, so i could be home and look after her incase it got worse… End up working in a store and I feel like even tho I scored a job in an area where it is near impossible, it was “a small win”. It’s a LONG and sometimes really painful and hard road, I’ve only recently been taking any real steps towards my recovery… I realised literally only maybe a week or 2 ago that, just because I haven’t used drugs or w/e for 6 months, that doesn’t mean i’m actually “RECOVERING” because I’m still not facing the things that I was hiding from in the first place… and if I wanna heal, I have to do that… < It is possible to start the process, I promise.
Also, you don’t need to like metal music or any of that to be here. This is a place where ANYONE can get support, no matter what.
Hold Fast
Kayla
Hello
Thank you for sharing. I hope we can bring some encouragement to you. When we see everyone else’s life we are seeing their greatest hit. We see their best moments, but when we look at our life we see the behind the scenes and all of the moments: the good and the bad. People can be mean, but we are the meanest and cruelest critics of our own life. Regret can help motivate us, but it can also blind us when that’s all we focus on. Our achievements might seems small, but in reality they are bigger than we realize. Hold fast. We believe in you.
hello,
wanted to say that your not alone- I feel like I surmise to a paycheck sometimes and am defined by my lack of accomplishments. I only have established stability in realizing true things about my circumstances and stating those things over and over. After about 5 years, those truths were added to with others and I started realizing that I was living in lies that I created (well I believe it was satan) but the truth became my truth. Can’t tell you what to do, but I know there is truth in there that you have done good things and if not, you have good things to do. Support from a digital friend…
-Larry
I am 100% blown away that you guys did this…I had no idea I would get this type of response. Right now my mindset is probably cutting myself short. I have to go back and read what everyone wrote. I think I found this forum through searching about depression as a forum.
Thank you so much Efa for the response. I am my harshest critic and last night…I just let it all fmood out on here. I actually had no idea anyone would respond…I do know cognitively that the job I do is important. And I have helped thousands of patients. Perhaps the problem is I dont value what I do…see my own profession as lesser than etc. I definitely am lucky with thw lady friend although she is 900 mipea away. But it is good and I am a little bit embarassed at what was sort of verbal diarrhea last night. But my guess is that you guys would say do not be. Thanks so much for the reply.
Thank you very much Ashley. Last night was a dark night…I slept a lot and woke up in a better place…still brooding for sure but better. Hope you did also.
Casey made an excellent point about what is a big winner…and defining that. I think when I am down that is the cudgel i beat myself over the head with…that others won big…also when I get away from a philosophical/spiritual standpoint…this gets out of control in my head. Thanks so much for the feedback. The good news is beyond a lotta calories and some tears that was as bad as it got last night. This feedback from you all is really appreciated.
This is so true and thank you very much Cassie for reminding me of this. I am often comparing the whole of my self to someone’s Facebook picture perfect life.
Thank you so much Larry for your response. I think if I was talking to someone ELSE I would say that the “Myth/Truth” they create about themselves is a fiction…it is harder in the harsh light of ones own self judgement. Thans again
No reason to be embarrassed, I think we all need to have some verbal diarrhea once and a while. I think it’s healthy to get the emotions out and to know we’re not alone. I’m happy you posted what you did and shared it with this community and we could be here for you.
Oldaggie, friend, I feel you. Sincerely. And don’t fret HS’s connection to metal music. At it’s core HS is about connecting to people who are hurting. Though listening to metal music puts the cherry on top. :). I too am 50, well I will be on my birthday this year and though you may not know about my story here I hit the wall of feeling old, unaccomplished, and wasted. I was depressed, felt cutoff off from peers and felt a failure. I wish I could tell you I’m totally free from those thoughts but thats not true. What I can tell you is what I discovered that helps when Im feeling down. I wish I could tell you all that I’ve learned but that would be a book so I’ll try to just hit the highlights. I too get stuck on concepts about “success” and feeling accomplished. It took nearly a year of therapy to understand that I was so focused on some external message of what success was, that I for some reason should feel like a failure if I’m not living large, that I was missing those precious things that WERE successes. I had someone that loved me. Boom. Success. I wasn’t rich but because of being self employed I could spend more time with my kids. Success. Just reading through what information you provided it sounds iike you too have successes. I was caught up in a inner voice giving me “shoulds” but there wasn’t validity to those “shoulds.” Like you wrote, you were expected to be a big winner. But then I had to examine what that meant, where did that message come from. It felt like the majority of it came from TV and advertising telling me I needed to be a bigshot or have a lot of cash. But the truth is being a good person to those you love IS being a success. As a nurse you are helping people feel better daily. Total success move. The take away from this is to push back against those negative self critical thoughts that just make us miserable, regardless of our age. Here are some things I do that help. Connect with people. Isolating is a big trap to feeling bad. There’s a real psychological component to phsyically connecting with people especially people who share similar ideals and likes. Maybe find a game group or church group. Something that you will enjoy but also be with others. Also, being 50 or almost 50 we need to get more activity. Being overweight just sets us older guys to lower testosterone that makes us feel even more worthless. The younger folks don’t have this wonderful feature but we do so we absolutely NEED it. Even if it’s just walking. Check with your doctor to test you T levels too. If they are low even under 500 can make us feel bad, weak, low confidence and low energy. These last three suggestions are mental. I would suggest talking with a professional. A good therapist can really help us reframe our relationship to our thoughts. If you don’t know where to start take a look into BetterHelp.com. I think you can even get a discount or trial offer through HeartSupport. Also, I found Mindfulness to be a big help. It’s not a cure but it IS a big change in how I relate to my feelings and thoughts. All of which gives me a tool to fight back about my inner demons. It’s tough at first to understand it but after doing it for a year, and regular practice really is the key, it definitely helps. Plus there is evidence that it really does change brain activity for the better. And lastly, and this is totally up to you, but for me reconnecting with God was very helpful. I didn’t go full on bible thumping or judging christian stuff. But finding the right church that was about love and being loved as I am was very helpful. That I was special because I am. Not because of what I do. And also it taught me that I’m part of a bigger picture. That I am both not special and also extremely special. That I need to let go of this idea that I’m supposed to be the next Steve Jobs or something. And that just being me IS special. Im sorry this is so wordy but from one 50 yo to another I wanted to share with you what has specifically helped me being the age that I am and the generation that we are. I hope some of it helps. Hold fast dude. You are so loved.
Mantle,
Your words really lifted me up tonite as I know we are coming from the same place (age and expectations) you are so correct about isolating (which is hard on a travel assignment which does end in 2 weeks). I am very very lucky to have a woman in my life who loves me and I will get to see her this weekend. I am going to bri g up the testosterone thing and try to get back on the diet bandwagon. I can tell today is that what I am dealing with is low level depression based on my previous bouts. My therapist is 1000 miles away bit hopefully I might get a job back in Arizona and can get back in that routine. I am not usually a guy that cries but ha e been on the verge of tears 3 times tonite while back to work. Thanks so much man. I am gonna read your comments several times.