I recently cold Turkey’d 25 medications by flushing them down the toilet. I was in an argument about ny mental health with my partner, who is convinced, that there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need the medication. I was a social worker and have worked with the seriously mentally ill, professionally, since 2000. After flushing my medication in a psychotic rage where i was not consciously aware of what i was doing. I have severe PTSD from childhood trauma and the argument caused me to have a psychotic reaction. After flushing my medication i then took 80 benzodiazepines because i didnt want to go through the withdrawals of the psychotropic drugs. I did not recall much and experienced withdrawals worse than heroin, which my kids went through. I woke up 3 days later and i experienced severe muscle cramps, hyperventilation, and loss of equilibrium. Its been a month and its gotten better. Ive never felt so out of sorts. Ive never felt so lonely. I refuse to get back on psychotropics. I smoke marijuana daily and i do have a psychiatrist, therapist, and a partner who is trying to understand. I don’t know why i did it and can’t change whats done. Now im faced with horrible withdrawal effects that could last a couple of years. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD with horrible anxiety and insomnia. I was on medication for 19 years. I dont even feel human or real without constantly self talking myself into incorporating self help tools to keep me in the daily reality i live in. I am safe in my beautiful home but i cry frequently and wish i could be legally euthanized. I know i cant and im not suicidal, i just wish i never existed. I have no friends and my family hates me. I dont want to go to the hospital and some days are better than others. I just want to fight this battle spiritually and heal the trauma that is hindering my life. Im sad but not hopeless. I believe in Jesus Christ and his resurrection for my salvation. I am going through a bankruptcy, divorce, and ive lost contact with my adult children. I just think im trying to reach out to see if there are others that relate and maybe can help me continue to be hopeful and move forward. I do plan on trying CBD oils and natural supplements.
@Smokahanas, please forgive me if I do not address every point above. I can see you are struggling with a lot right now. What stood out to me is that you feel trapped. I can relate to that feeling if not your circumstances. You also confess to a relationship with Jesus Christ; run toward that! Faith is a powerful thing, both mentally and physically. Yesterday I heard a message on John 4:7-18 that really hit home for me and gave me hope that I can get unstuck. I’m linking that podcast below in case you would like to listen to it. I pray it helps.
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