Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, suicidal thoughts, cutting and self harm are mentioned.
Okay so my bf gave his sister who is my friend a pocket knife to give to me. She gave it to me in school and so it was on my person and I brought it home. I told my mom about it and she said “we’ll have to talk about it because the blade might be too long to be legal.” Which I can understand. So, I wore the same pair of pants as I did yesterday, forget to take off the knife and had it with me in school again. I came home and my stepmom found out about it. She flipped and starting saying how I can’t have sharp objects because of my history with self harm and cutting. But then she said how I’m selfish and hurting everyone and its all my fault because I was the person who would hurt myself. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS??? SHE’S hurting?! How about the person who wanted to kill themselves! I’m pretty sure I have a lot more pain to confront than you. She doesn’t even care about me, but suddenly I’m hurting her and she is “only mad because she loves me.” Yes, the fact that I had a blade on school property is a problem. And I’m scared that my dad is going to report me or something… would he do that? He hates me too. But I’m also miserable because they all treat me like I’m mental and have to be kept in a bubble. I’M ALMOST 6 MONTHS CLEAN! And that’s a big deal for me but all they can do is bring up how I’ve cut. How am I supposed to move on and stay clean if they can’t and don’t treat like I’m capable of being human without cutting. I’m just so frustrated. I don’t want people seeing me as a cutter, or suicidal. My past doesn’t define me, and I just started my freshmen year. This is supposed to be my new chapter, my fresh start, but no matter how hard I try I can’t get away from the past. I just want to be happy again, but I don’t even know where to start.
Hey,
There is always someone out there willing to listen.
Your family cares about you, but they don’t understand your situation. When I found out my sister was cutting herself, I had no idea how to react; I didn’t want to say or do anything because I was scared that I might say the wrong thing and she would hurt herself again. They are walking on eggshells around you because they don’t know how to treat you, they care about you and don’t want to say the wrong thing. This shouldn’t be the how it is, but people are scared of what they don’t understand and those who haven’t experienced this before have no idea how to handle the situation.
You’re almost 6 months clean! Great! Hold onto that, it’s no easy feat and I hope you can continue for another 6 months.
I know this sounds cliched, but they only worry because they care about you.
Again cliched, but unfortunately you can’t run from your past. The best you can do is embrace it, acknowledge it but don’t let it hold any power over you.
Start with your freshman year, as you said this is a new beginning. Meet new people, create new friendships, but most importantly, have fun with it. There will be days that will make you feel shitty, but if you find someone who is willing to listen, don’t be afraid to utilise their support. A non-judgmental friend or family member, that is willing to listen can be extremely helpful in times of trouble. Hell, even talking to a pet is more beneficial than doing nothing.
But if things become really bad, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Professional psychologists know what they are doing, and councilling can really turn your life around.