Hello everyone. I have no confidence. I’m dealing with severe anxiety, depression and social anxiety. I’m struggling to stabilize my emotions and want to set my life for the better. I want to reach out to other people and be a positive impact on the world. But first i have to build myself up because i’m completely broken. I have no positive people in my life right now but i want to change that. I’ve been trying to change my life for 4 years now but i keep failing.
My parents divorced when i was 13 and i have been abused by multiple people due to coming from a broken home and having no strong pillars of friends, stable living environment or applicable skills. I’m 30 years old now and i have realized that i can’t waste any more of time that i have left on this plane of existence. I am completely broken and feel out of control. The only things i have ever had are music and video games. I want to live my life to the fullest capacity.
Right now i’m dealing with obsessive stalker cousin that keeps coming back into my life even after i rejected him multiple times. He is OCD, extremely negative, hates life, controlling, dumps all his frustrations and junk on me every single time he violently vaults into my life. He also admitted of using social media to stalk other people, me and especially girls. He is extremely unpleasant to be around and i have a hard time saying no due to severe anxieties i’m suffering myself. I want to say something but my stomach feels tight every time i try to say something. He said he is never going to change and that he’s proud of acting like a “savage”. He is not the first controlling toxic person in my life, but he is the only one left due to us having some family ties.
I don’t know what to do and how to distance myself from him or people like him. I don’t answer calls or messages, but he keeps knocking on my window. He is also extremely jealous at every minor hint or possibility of me achieving any kind of small success or victory over my current condition. I’m sorry if my sentences are awkward to read, English is not my first language. Thanks.
Hi want2chsnge!
I’m so glad you are here. I truly believe the first step to positive change is being open and honest which you have done here and I’m really proud of you. It is such a beautiful thing that you want to leave a positive mark on people’s lives. If you need help to build yourself up and become that positive impact than we will help you as much as we can.
The first thing I want to suggest is talk therapy. Have you ever considered it? Is it available to you? It might help you learn some of the toxic ways people try to control you and could help you break that chain. It could also help you learn tools that would help you in many parts of your life. I was in therapy and it really helped me.
And about your cousin, they don’t sound safe. I think you should try to unfollow him or block him on different accounts. Or if you are afraid he will get mad just make it so it doesn’t say you aren’t friends, but he can’t see your posts. Also if he is coming to your window that is really scary and not okay. its okay to say no. You are worth saying no. No can be very powerful. We will be here for you! Stay strong my friend. Your journey of building yourself up will be a tricky and scary one but it’s so worth it. Hold Fast. We believe in you.
Hi Cassie. Thanks for answering. Unfortunately no talk therapy isn’t available here. I only have internet and podcasts. That’s the only thing i can listen. I will also try to buy books Mountains and Dwarf Planet. Depression is really crippling me right now. I want to do a bunch of stuff but i’m extremely awkward, anxious and self aware. I have been told i’m not cool or good enough my whole life. On one moment i feel like i want to do everything, but then i crash and feel completely out of energy. It’s a mix of emotions.
I actually deleted the toxic person from my social media and i felt insane rush of energy. Even if i didn’t say no in real life. I talked to a mutual friend and i found out he’s been trying to control and zone my life for years now. I had multiple people like him that did this to me in the past. For some reason i’m a magnet for energy vampires like him.
I’ve been trying to get out of my comfort zone but it’s hard because i want to hide in my shell every time i try to do something. I started running everyday 5 days ago. Desperately want to build my life and reach out.
It’s good to start swapping out bad habits with good habits. Going toward something that will help you and not hurt you is so important. Just remember that you are good enough. And getting out of your comfort zone is hard at first, but it does get easier with time. Hold Fast, we believe in you.
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