Hello everyone, I’m here again.
The past few weeks have been pretty stressful and hard, but I managed to get some good photos (if you were wondering how that shooting stuff was going) and my mother is feeling slightly better, so that’s pretty good.
However, most nights I can’t even handle the feeling of being stuck and alone. Christmas is approaching, so is 2019, and even if being alone for the whole year was ok, I now can’t stop thinking about how everyone will enjoy their Christmas holidays and stuff, while I’ll just be there working or sitting on the pavement eating expired cereal.
I know what you thinking: talk to a friend. Well, I tried. As I said a lot of times, I do have some friends, but they all live far from where I live, and they all seem to be too busy with their lives to actually care about how I feel. I tried reaching out to them last night, but things went pretty terrible: one just kept repeating how good I am, how far I will go, and all the usual stuff people say when you feel bad about yourself. The other…well, it was pretty disappointing. After trying to explain my situation she just said that I should stop telling people all my useless stuff (I have some pretty interesting hobbies but she believes I should keep them for me as no one cares about my stuff) because no one wants to actually hear about that. She also told me I do have people, but it’s all my fault if people doesn’t want to share stuff with me.
I won’t say she’s completely wrong, because she isn’t (who wants to actually hear about my daily life come on), but now I feel like there’s no point in having friends if even them don’t want to share anything.
It feels like I’m just a burden to everyone, who just reply to my messages or phone calls because I’m so incredibly miserable. I’m not worth enough to actually have someone to care. I never go out (no one ever asks, and if I do they always find excuses not to), I don’t remember being at a gig, I don’t remember kissing a woman, I don’t even know how to feel about it because I just feel like it’s all my fault. I can’t even help people out here as I’m just too tired about myself to be able to cheer up someone, I failed also that. It’s been 10 days since I last trained and I’ve been eating pretty unhealthy for the past two weeks.
I just don’t know what to do. What worked before (getting involved in stuff, being busy, going out alone, etc) doesn’t seem to work anymore. My life is a complete mess, and I don’t really see how someone like me would even be successful in this miserable existence.