Nothing is going right anymore I got rid of the pills and blades hoping it would help and it’s only made it worse. I’ve lost the people I loved and it makes me miss my ex even though he was super abusive and I shouldn’t get back with him. He texted me a screenshot yesterday morning of the same happy Valentine’s Day message he sent me last year telling me he will always love me and I’ll always be his valentine. Maybe he still loves me. Maybe he won’t be abusive. Idk maybe it’s worth another try. Because I don’t want to be alone anymore. Maybe I’ll get back with him. I don’t know what to do.
It’s hard being so alone, and losing the only support you had. It hurts even more when it was your own fault. I just wish that I wouldn’t have done it. No matter how much I beg for forgiveness it won’t happen. So at this point I’ve just turned back to pills and self harm, and well I’m over this life.
Please don’t give up! There is always a reason to keep fighting. As a person who has been abused before and blamed myself for it, I know the struggle. I know what it’s like to miss the way they made you feel important and like you mattered; but only with their words, their actions showed you that they couldn’t care less. Don’t give into him, it’s not going to get better like that. Please give yourself a chance to heal and get better. It’s okay to not feel okay. You just have to give yourself time. I know it’s hard to be alone trust me, but it gets better. I’ve learned to become my own friend! Although I’m not where I want to be, I’ve grown and improved as a person.
You can do it too! Please, don’t give up. Seek the things and people that give you comfort and make you feel safe and loved because you are loved. Thank you so much for sharing, it’s so amazingly brave.
There’s really not a reason to keep fighting. There was. For a year and a half I had a reason to keep fighting and because of some bad choices I made I lost that reason to keep living, so I went on my hunt for my will to live and I haven’t found it.
All I’ve accomplished is reconnecting with my ex (and we will probably get back together soon), more self harm, and more pills. I have no future ahead of me. I remember when I wasn’t alone. It was nice to constantly have that person to reach out to but I messed it up, and that’s my fault, and I’m dealing with the consequences. But consequences that have lead to pain and not healing.
I’ve made so so so many post about being safe and what made me safe. There were three people and one thing that made me feel safe in life and I lost all of those as well (once again due to bad decisions I made and things that I said) but nonetheless they’re gone. So now not only am I alone, but because of that I have no safe people to go to and no safe place to reach out. And that’s tough.
You guys don’t get it. But it’s fine. Nobody will understand til they walk in my shoes and I hope nobody ever does. After everything happened this no longer is that safe place for me. And if that upsets you I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.
Michael and I are back talking and will soon be back together. And I will go back to finding my security and safeness in him. Because I’ll at least know that he won’t leave.
The thing is you are going back to an ABUSIVE relationship to feel “safe”… I’m sorry but that just does not add up to me, that doesn’t make sense to me but I guess yeah maybe I just don’t get it.
With what happened you also have to accept your actions; it’s a matter of loving at a distance.
You have to get the help you need. The help we have tried to help you to get- we have encouraged you to get. But you have yet to.
You have to reach out to your resources. You deciding to go back to the abysive relationship we have tried to help you out of is just taking you farther away from recovery and feeling safe, and in my eyes forgiveness.
I’m speaking out of love here.
When you have shown that you are trying to get better, going to therapy- just SOMETHING- I will talk to you then.
The thing is you don’t know obviously. I’ve been going to therapy since the new year. Along with groups. Along with going to church. So you can’t sit there and say that I haven’t been doing these things when you haven’t been a part of my life to know if I was or wasn’t.
As far as the abusive ex. No you wouldn’t understand you’re right. Point is when people promise to never leave and then end up blocking me imo that’s abusive and manipulative as well. So what’s the point here? At least I’ll know he won’t leave like everyone else in my life has.
I am sorry that you lost so much. Yet going back in a hurtful situation isn’t going to stop the pain. Your trying to get rid of the pain. You can’t get rid of the pain. That isn’t how life gets. Life isn’t meant to be easy. Quality things are meant to make you struggle.
I am sorry that life is harsh for you. I understand. No not in the way that you’ve experience but enough to know how much life really sucks. You’re upset. I get it. I been there.
I’ve said things above that I regret because I was hurting. Just know that I love everyone in this community and it was my actions that lead me here, and that they did what they thought was best.
This is a safe place if I’m willing to put things behind me and let this be that place for me. @Lyss I hope you see now that I am doing things to help my recovery and maybe the way that I worded it wasn’t the best. But I just meant if we talked I would have told you the things I’ve been doing to help my recovery.
As far as the way I worded the Michael situation the only reason I ever considered going back to him was because I don’t want to be alone and at least that I know he’s there. But i also know that it’s not a good decision for my recovery.
And @Kayla you’re right and I love you and I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said. You didn’t deserve it at all, and I regret the things I said. I love you.
