I’m not sure how to talk about this exactly since I’m only beginning to realize what’s going on myself. So I will try going in chronological order.
When I was 10 my parents had a terrible divorce. This brought out all the worst traits in everyone in my family, including my dad’s narcissism and my mom’s perfectionism. Trying to mediate between the two basically broke me down into the ultimate people-pleaser and I lost my sense of self at some point.
My first boyfriend offered me an escape from my mom’s house, where nothing was ever good enough. All he asked in return was sex, which I wasn’t comfortable giving but I did anyway because I was a people pleaser. Eventually he started demanding sex at least once a day even if I wasn’t interested. Sex became painful for me but the demand did not decrease. Encounters also didn’t “count” for the day unless I appeared sufficiently enthusiastic about it.
Ever since I got the guts to break up with him, I’ve felt like I had no interest in sex. I dated around hoping to push the relationship further back in my memory, make new positive experiences, but my hangups got in the way. I eventually got involved with a wonderful man with strong morals, whose mental illness made it difficult for him to engage in sex too often. He still wanted it to be part of his life though, which I understand. But I had so much anxiety surrounding it I ended up breaking up with him.
After I went through some therapy, primarily related to my people pleasing tendencies, we got back together, and are now married. But when it comes to sex I always break down. My husband is very respectful and wants consent, but I am constantly conflicted about whether I am able to consent or just trained to pretend like I’m interested. Whenever the topic comes up, my head feels like it’s spinning. Romantic evenings turn to arguments or crying sessions. I can’t talk to my husband, the most important person, about the root of this because I just go into hysterics. I feel like I will never be able to get this resolved. I have no idea what to do about it or what resources are out there as I’m only beginning to accept that my previous relationship was abusive. It was my first and my normal. But I really don’t want it to ruin my marriage.
Does anyone have any advice for moving through this? Therapy is not an option for me this time as I am between jobs. While I don’t think this will end my marriage soon, I still feel that it is a time sensitive issue. I hate that my past is cropping up like this in an otherwise excellent present.
This is a TMI rhetorical question but it is something to think about that might benefit you. Have you tried masterbating? The reason I ask is because you need to look at yourself and figure out the trigger. If you can learn how to get yourself off and figure out what you like then it might help you go through things and remove that negative association. Like pavlov’s dog, you need to create positive associations with it.
On the other side, not everyone enjoys sex. Don’t feel like it’s a requirement. Do not give in to the anxiety and feeling like its attached to your self worth. My friend is asexual and only wants sex on extremely rare occasions and loses interest in the thought of it very quickly.
I would recommend trying rhodiola rosea and see if it helps reduce your anxiety to some degree. I use it for my anxiety and noticed significant improvement. It’s pretty inexpensive in comparison to meds and it has been shown to work in clinical trials - but they haven’t taken it further because st John’s wort was another “natural” remedy for anxiety but it reacts with too many meds so they can’t synthesize it into meds. So far there are no known interactions with rhodiola rosea and it does benefit people with mild to moderate anxiety
Actually my first boyfriend was really good in bed, and sex was something I did enjoy before it began to hurt. I feel like I have a good grasp of what I like, but the emotional aspect is completely cut off from me now. I can daydream on my own, but if I even think about approaching my partner I suddenly feel this huge weight on my shoulders.
I will have to look into the rhodiola, I have researched natural anxiety meds before but not come across it. Most prescription meds for anxiety also depress libido, which is rough for this particular problem. I appreciate your reply.
I’m so sorry you had to endure the physical abuse: that is brutal. I’m even more sorry that it took so long for you to understand it was abusive. That is not fair that you spent so many years thinking it was normal: it robbed you of a lot of time where you could/should have been grieving and healing. This is way beyond a physical issue, you need emotional healing and freedom from this too. The physical aspects shouldn’t even be on your radar right now, that is down the road a ways.
First, do not feel guilt for the anxiety, fear, panic, & hysteria that you feel when the subject of sex comes up. There should be no guilt in the emotional trauma stemming from abuse. I do think you and your husband need to learn how to openly talk about it though. It will be hard for you to talk about and I would encourage you to join a support group of other abuse survivors (and start seeing a counselor when it becomes an option for you): a safe place where you can learn (trust me, it’s a learned skill) to talk about it.
Sharing your heart with your husband as it relates to this pain you have been dealing with is healthy for both you and him: he deserves to share in your journey of recovering from this trauma and can only know how to support you best if he knows what you’re going through. This process will be the start of intimacy for you two and will be the beginning of healing within your relationship. Please note that when I say intimacy, I do NOT mean sex. It’s important that you find the ability to be emotionally intimate with your husband first. I pray that he supports you during this phase and continues to be above all else, patient with you.
Far beyond sex, you deserve the joy and reward of a close intimate relationship with your husband: you are SO worth it.