Personal struggles involving the family

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Hey everyone, it’s Joejoe.

So before I start saying my current issues and struggles, I would like to say what a amazing community we have and currently building. This is a fantastic group of people we have involved in HS, so this is why I thought it was the right time to share my current situation. So what I’m trying to say is if you lovely people can share you stories why can’t I.

So here’s what’s been going on: So my grandad has dementia at the moment. Me and my family are really close and we are finding it quite hard to deal with him. He is in a home, so it’s all good and we know he is safe. But I just want to stay strong for my mum mainly, but also my family aswell. I really want to see him but it’s just not him anymore. So I’ve not really seen him that much, I know that sounds really bad. But I don’t want to see him in his current state. He can’t be help and I know it will never get any better, but it’s like a shell of himself. So I’m not sure is there a way to stay strong for my family? Also there a way I don’t feel so guilty about seeing him?

So that’s what’s happening, if there is any advice would help it would be much appreciated. I’m will to answer any questions you may want to ask, I’m sorry if my post is a bit long. It’s my first post so please forgive me, thanks for reading.

Much appreciated Joe

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First, this felt like a really short post, lol, maybe I just talk too much. I’m glad you’re reaching out for help, Joe. This is a sticky topic, I think. Mostly, I wanted to say that guilt is really a useless feeling, it’s a valid one but it needs to be turned to something else. Guilt only weighs you down and keeps you from moving forward. Somethings to consider for yourself is remembering there is only so much you can handle emotionally so it’s okay to not want to see him because it’s not really him. I also want to urge you, however, that it might be fear and lack of knowledge about it all that is making you feel that way, maybe looking into the subject of dementia can give you the tools to feel better and maybe find somethings you can do for yourself. I have heard things like music and reading books to people can help them somehow, but I am not 100% sure on that. I can see what I can find, if you want. As far as being strong for your mom, that is super loving, commendable and understandable. Sometimes being strong is not what we instinctively think of though. Sometimes opening up in order to give others a path to open up and navigate their own feelings is a way to be strong, in other words, being vulnerable so she can feel free from having to be strong. You know your mom best though, and maybe you can just ask what her greatest need in this actually is so that you can try to provide it or find for her to gain what she needs. Hope that makes sense… I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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Hey JoeJoe -
Thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you and your family through this difficult time. It’s never easy seeing a loved one suffering or struggling with an illness. And sometimes we become the victims of the turmoil as well. I’m sure you don’t want to remember your grandfather this way. And although he may not be able to grasp it due to his dementia, I’m sure your relationship with him was a memorable one. And there is no doubt that the love you have for him is still strong. I know it’s hard to say, don’t feel so guilty. But I’m sure your family understands. Maybe just try to reflect on the quality of life and the memories made with him before his illness. Those are the ones that you will truly cherish. Not the ones of your grandfather fading. Just be present and keep that family bond strong. You’re all seeing the same thing, maybe just through different lenses. My grandmother always had a saying even before she was terminal with cancer - “Love me while I’m here.” Just keep letting that bright light of love shine. Lifting you and your family way up.

With all of my love,
Shay

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Joe, I’m going through something very similar. Just lost someone to dementia and i’m flying out tuesday to see my family. I hadn’t seen her in years. I have a couple of questions for you, in response to this.

  1. What would your grandfather want you to do?
  2. If the roles were reversed what would you want you grandchild to do?
  3. What would your grandfather say about your guilt in not seeing him?

I’m always here for you bud, if you ever need to chat hit me up on discord. I’m not sure if you are religious but one day you’ll see him again, and I am sure he does/would/will understand.

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Hey JoeJoe. When my great granddad fell ill I was in the same boat as you are now. I refused to go and visit because it wasn’t him. He didn’t remember me or my family and it hurt like hell. This isn’t something that makes you a bad person. He would want you to remember him in his best way. I know it feels like the only way to stay stay strong for your family is to keep to yourself and help them right now, but it’s not going to be doing your mental health any good. If it’s possible, why don’t you try and talk to the family members you’re supporting and reassure them they’re not alone in feeling like they do. You can build each other up and support one another. Sometimes the best support comes from those who are growing together. You can’t hold your family up if you’re crumbling underneath. We love you and don’t let this make you feel like a bad person. You most certainly aren’t that.

Kayla

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Hey Joe - My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I haven’t experienced what you’re going through, however, I can say that it sounds like you have a big heart and you should be proud of that! You’re strong! You got this.

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Joejoe, friend i am so sorry… i know its hard… i know its getting hard with your grandad, but i do reccomend seeing him because you never know when he’ll pass away… i know how you feel i felt super guilty about not saying good bye to my grandmother back in 2016 (i believe)… just know your loved friend ad we are so sorry this hard to deal with.

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Man…this hits real close to home. My grandma on my moms side just passed away in December while battling dementia for a few years. She would always ask where my mom was and wouldn’t remember that she’s been gone for 10 years. It’s really hard to watch someone struggle with that, and your family is definitely in my thoughts

It was ALWAYS hard to see her in that state, because they aren’t always the person you remember them being. I’m so sorry friend. Try to stay strong for your family, as it seems like you’re doing that now.

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Hey Joejoe,

Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing this with the HS community. Honestly, it’s not long at all, so there’s nothing to apologize for (and even if it was long, there’s nothing wrong with that). I just really appreciate you sharing your heart and what you’ve been going through lately- thanks for letting us be there for you! I’m sorry it’s been so hard, especially when it’s not just something that you’re experiencing personally, but you’re also trying to be there for your family and be their rock as well.

I know it’s not really the same situation, but I remember when my grandpa and aunt had cancer at the same time a few years ago, and then I just tried to be there for my family, keep them together, and manage my own feelings/thoughts as well… and it’s just a lot. I also learned that it’s difficult when family is close (as great as it can be for support during hard times), but maybe you start to see rifts in the family because of the stress of the situation- it can be heartbreaking. So I guess what I want to say is that you’re not alone in this. I’m always here for you if you want to talk about this, and we’re all here to walk through this with you.

I don’t have personal experience with dementia in my family, but I’ve seen it affect others when I worked at a senior home. For sure, maybe there’s some guilt that you’re not seeing him that much, but it’s also true that “he isn’t really there”. Please don’t fault yourself- it’s okay to be wrestling with wanting to visit him now, because it’s genuinely so difficult to see someone you love go through this. Maybe you can try to see him on a schedule that you set for yourself? So if x number of times in a month is just too much to handle, then don’t pressure yourself to go through that; consider readjusting when/how much you’ll go visit (but on the the days you can’t do it, that’s okay too). But yeah, I think it might be worth it still to see him, even though I know you want to keep those memories of who he was before. Whatever decision you make though, we love you.

Also, I think one way that you can be strong for your family is honestly to make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. If that means being on the support wall, talking on discord, being on stream, then please do that! If it also means telling your family what you’re feeling too, and letting them support you mutually, then it may be wise to try that (even though I know you don’t want to burden them more or anything like that, especially mom). If it means getting more sleep, then it’s okay to pursue rest. It’s not a burden for you to carry alone, so I hope you don’t feel that way! It seems like your family is there for you, as much as you are there for them, and we are here too.

Keep holding fast Joe,
With all the love,
Alex

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I have some family members who went through a very similar situation, i’ve seen how exhausting it is, sorry you’re going through this =\

it’s unfair to ask you to push yourself beyond what you can handle, but if there’s at least a little bit of your grampa as you know (is there?) left that you can enjoy, i recommend you embrace this little bit. it’s unfair in the sense that currently the family doesn’t have him anymore but at the same time the family is pretty much all he has left

but if you really can’t handle being there helping him directly, you still can support the other members of your family that are also going through this situation, each dealing with it in their own way, and some of them probably could use some support. sometimes when you can’t be the support you can be the support’s support.

i recommend you do whatever gives you the least ammount of regret in life, but i can’t tell you which choice is that.

still, it doesn’t mean you have to push yourself beyond your limit, alright? we’re with you.

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hey ethan, sorry i didnt reply very quickly. but if im honest i dont really know how to reply to them questions. so is it okay if i dm you in discord about the questions?

but thank you for the support mate

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wow is the only word i can say to the responses to the post. you all gave me advice and many things to think about, that is what i needed. so thanks you @RainLuver @SteadfastShay @StHaTaDi-Ethan @Kayla @Eric @all_around_ashley @513Kernal @maxstardust @Alex. so thank you lovely people :heart:

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@Joejoe1122
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