So, my life is pretty complicated right now.
My dad is in an affair, and we’ve been living with it for 4 months now. It hurts alot. I can’t believe it’s been months of living like this. You see, my sister is in the nursing program, and it’s really tough. So we were planning to confront my dad about this whole stupid affair until after she passed her exams. We wanted to do it together and also she wanted to talk to her ex-friend who is the bitch he’s having an affair with (they don’t know we know who it is). My mom’s been in complete hell with her emotions everywhere. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. I worry that she thinks I’m not on her side or something, because whenever me, my mom, and my other sister are alone (my dad doesn’t spend much time with us anymore and my sister in nursing is always away studying, working and in school) my mom talks about it. It’s her way of venting it out, I know, but it’s almost all we talk about now. She sends a text in the middle of the school day and then I can’t play the simplest four notes on my violin and I want to just skip my next class completely. I don’t say anything about it, because for her. But the reason I feel like she might think I don’t agree or care about her is because I hardly join in the berating and the insulting of my dad when my mom and sister talk. I was bullied when I was younger, and I don’t want to be like that, I can’t be like that, insulting someone behind their back even if they do cause me and my loved ones pain ad they do deserve it. I can’t, it’s not me.
Things are just falling apart. My mom and my nursing sister have fought alot these past few months. Sammy (my sister) brought her ex-friend home and Mom blamed her for this whole affair and everything. And I don’t want to see my mom be in a world of hate, cause I know what that’s like. I feel powerless and it just hurts. My only friend is going through stuff too and I’ve pushed her away. I did reach back, but now I’m worried she is mad at me. I know she’s worried that if a divorce happens, i could move away.
I feel myself slipping.
My grades have dropped, missing assignments piled up. This past month I really didn’t give much of a damn about history or science class. I keep making mistakes, arguing with people and falling back onto bad habits (not like cutting, I’ll never do that again, but like lying and hunching over). I feel like I’m slowing losing my mind. Sometimes I go all high and then later that night I’m crying. I don’t want my mom to worry, she already worries enough.
I’m also thinking about me in general. I feel like in my used-to-be-close-knit family I’ve always been distant, apart. I spent a lot of time alone and then just pathetically pitied myself for feeling lonely. Then I’m worrying if Im just an attention seeker because I’m the youngest of my sisters. I don’t want to be that. Sammy and I have often had fights about me, the way I act and stuff. I know she cares about me, this is just her way of doing it. We had one recently where Sammy yelled at me for always mispeaking, being stingy and butthurt, and lying to her and myself.
Am I lying to myself? I don’t want to, but I also want to belong in this music genre/scene where I feel picky and out of place, but that I love. I don’t know. I’m so confused and hurt. I want to be a rock singer and guitarist, but I also have doubts about whether I could do that for the rest of my life and whether I’ll want to. Sometimes I just wonder if I have this dream/idea just because I want the fame and attention. Then I feel like I’m lying to myself about it all.
Currently I take guitar lessons, and at first my parents were skepical about it, could I do that while also playing violin and doing all my schoolwork?
Now that my grades have dropped (I am working on getting them back up) I’m worried they’ll stop my guitar lessons. I also feel guilty. On top of just being a kid, doing orchestra, and now taking lessons I’m costing a lot of money. I don’t want to be selfish but also not owe anything to my dad right now. I don’t want to quit either, and with a divorce threatening, who knows what’ll happen? I like my guitar instructor, he’s a cool guy, and these guitar lessons help me forget about my twisted painful life for half an hour, sometimes an hour, once a week.
On top of that, my dad is treating us like complete shit. In the morning and evening, ‘Hi dad’ and we get a grunt in response. He doesn’t talk to us much and switches between this playful side that acts like everything is OK and joke about himself and just as quickly switch to that bad tempered asshole. It’s always about him, and he glares at me for not playing the harry potter theme on my violin. No one tells me what and what not to play. I know I am rebellious at heart and that’s always caused fights and arguments. He’s rude to my mom, who’s nice because we don’t want a divorce but honestly we are not even trying that much to get him back because he needs to get out on his own. He’s a liar and I hate my conflicting feelings. And this pain. I don’t want to live like this. But sometimes I feel like such an awful bitch that I wonder if I actually do want to feel such pain because it’ll make me fit in better with the rock music genre and make Sammy and my parents accept me and my ‘emo’ ways more.
I know you guys can’t advise me on what to do to make it all better. I just wanted to say something, to let it out.
This is all life. Life is harsh & you feel the pain. You are young still. You’re worrying & reflecting on the bad parts too much. I understand divorce pretty much since I’ve both stepdad & stepmom. My mom lives in texas & my father where I live. Right now you feel this affair is ruining your family. That in some way maybe you’re responsible. You are not. Your parents are humans along with you. This happens all the time. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that others experience it yet it is reality.
Unfortunately it has affected your life & will affect your life. Maybe your parents will find a way to have their relationship revived & rekindled or not. That is up to them. They are individuals. Whether it will or won’t shouldn’t matter. You’re allowed to be mad at your father over the affair. You can be upset at your Mom for how she’s handling it. Just don’t let your relationship with them change. Your Father is still Dad & Your Mother will always be Mom. The only difference is that in the future you’ll have a stepMom & StepDad or maybe you won’t. Either way having more people that actually care about you is a good thing.
The situation between your sister & mom is between them as well. Don’t let it change your relationship with them. Your sister will always be your sister.
As for what you like. Hurt is hurt. Just because you might have a roof over your head & eat while somebody else may not doesn’t change the hurt or your tastes in music, fashion or anything else for that matter. Only you decide & know what you’re into for whatever reason it is. (I am an adult. I like the Goth subculture as much as I like menhera Kawaii subculture. I am neither. People think sometimes I am Goth because I wear black all the time & listen to metal. I like metal music. Black is not my favorite color. Red is. I like goths but I am not goth in any way shape or form. I wear black because I am a pagan that cast spells on his clothes. Black absorbs all negative & toxic energies. This is why I usually wear Black. (I wear other colors as well & in witchcraft color has a significant. Like Red is for Love & Passion).
As for your family situation. I also feel like the black sheep of the family. (Pun intended) I know that to some family members I am viewed highly & a couple totally negatively. Yet I can’t help what I feel no matter what we do as a family. I just never felt at home or even loved. (This doesn’t mean I am not loved. It is how I feel.) I am just alone. Never felt that I belong. So you not feeling as close as you once were with your family is something I can relate to.
In time, All of this will lessen in the amount that it overwhelms you now. I am not saying your hurt will go away or that how it has affected you will be undone. It might leave its mark. I am saying that as long as you are strong (and you are) that you’ll find that life will find different ways to test your character, patience & ability to hope. IT will almost always hurt. Things of quality will usually give you pain. Pain is the recognition of being alive and being transformed as you are improved.
Be strong & hang in there.