Reaching Out... Trust me

HeartSupport Support
1

Hey guys. Going to start this post how I always do, but I do think it’s so freaking important to say! I love you guys, and you guys are loved and amazing and important! You guys have value on this earth because you have breath in your lungs, and therefore you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be alive! Hold fast guys <3

It’s another night of no sleep, and honestly I’m not really sure why this has become an ever night thing. A lot of people when they are depressed they sleep a lot, but I do the complete opposite, and well it’s not healthy and it’s starting to break me down. First the idea of never feeling safe, and my mind and body never relaxing enough to sleep and let my brain and body rest, so therefore I am constantly going 90 to nothing. And if I do sleep, it’s two to three hours and I’m woken out of a dead of sleep, bawling my eyes out, and left feeling alone and often times suicidal ready to end it all… What am I supposed to do? I can’t continue this way, I can’t continue down this road of no sleep, not eating, the self harm, the drug abuse! How can I find healthy ways to cope, to stop using, but also to relax and sleep, or even to just relax and let my mind and body relax? Am I alone in this? Am I the only one feeling this way? I just don’t know what to do anymore with this, I’m overwhelmed and to be honest I can’t continue down this road too much longer.

Yesterday during real talk on the stream we talked about feeling like a burden, and trusting people, and knowing that your support group loves you, and guys it’s so freaking hard. When I’ve just gotten high, or relapsed on self harm or porn… I fight against them, and I fight against reaching out. My constant response is “I don’t deserve love and support… let me go…” and the constant response is do you trust me, and the answer is always yes. But it’s so hard to let people in, when you’ve only ever been hurt. I want to feel safe, and I want the love and support they offer every freaking day, but it’s also so hard because I always expect people to leave, and it’s easier for me to leave before others do. I just don’t know how to cope with this! I constantly just want to give up, and run and isolate… but yeah this community loves me too much for that. I just don’t know…

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It, Don’t Give Up
Monkey

ps~ sorry for making so many posts these last few days, I’m just slowly trying to process everything going on, and I know that this community loves me, and this is a safe place for me to go to receive love and support

3 Likes
2

I can relate in the way that you can’t find healthy ways to cope. I have struggled with self harm, suicidal tendencies, and porn too. It all leads to avoiding the problem on hand. It numbs the pain. I know how hard it is to face pain too and to try to protect yourself you push away the people who are trying to help. I do that too. I don’t know exactly the right ways to cope but I do know which ways are not healthy ways to cope. So that’s a start because you know that too. The question then becomes “what is healthy ways to cope?” Talking about it here is one healthy way so that’s a wonderful start. Another way could be working out. You know? Doing something constructive instead of destructive. Or even doing something creative like drawing. You seem to have the motivation to want to get better and I see that. So put that energy into something that will help build you up! I hope this helps somewhat.

Hold fast,

Cass

1 Like
3

Olivia, first and foremost I want you to know that you are never a burden to this community, and yes there are other people in this world who are suffering alongside you with the same problems, who can relate to you so much. The simple fact that you are willing to speak out and reach out is so inspiring to those other people, and is a huge victory for yourself, so for that I am proud of you.

As we talked about before, it’s all about finding healthy ways to cope with the things that you are suffering with. Replace those negative things in your life with positive things. Replace self harm with exercise. Replace the drugs with healthy eating. Replace the porn with a healthy online activity, like streaming more often to a community who loves you.

You are an incredible person, and I know that you will persevere through this as you always do. Keep your head up, we love you.

Matt
Twoguys1couch

3 Likes
4

@Monkey,
I’m going to chime in by saying that @mama_cass720 and @twoguys1couch are saying what I was going to say: Of course you’re loved here, and never be afraid to reach out. And that you should look into switching the negative activities with positive ones. eg:

But I would also suggest starting small, just change one thing. It can be really tough to do a huge switch into a different life, and you might burn out before you can make any real lasting change. So start small, change one thing at a time until it becomes the new habit. Then introduce another new switch. You’re more likely to succeed, in my opinion.
And as always, these healthier options are good, but they don’t address the root of the issues. You need to start opening up and really understanding them. Find someone to help you through them. Learn, and grow.

image

2 Likes
5

I understand/relate on almost everything besides self harm and I’ve veen clean for a little over a year.

Going through my problems with my now ex gf, it was hard… sooo fucking hard to keep myself from ending it all. I wanted to find somewhere to go buy a bottle of pills, I wanted to be happy so I watched porn and that didn’t work. I had a few people that were there. But that really didn’t help that much. I felt alone no matter what and I didn’t want to trust anyone. I didnt want to put all of my problems on someone else because I knew I’d push them away.

My ex girlfriend and I are “friends” I guess. I still live with her because of my job and trying to move back home about an hour and a half away. But I have been so used to be pushed down for my mental illnesses. I’m used to saying I’m sorry and it only makes t worse.

It’s like I can go out of my way to try and do something nice and don’t be even get a thank you in the least. I try to spend time with her because I don’t have anyone else, and I’ve recently have been tempted to drop the job and move because some days I can’t take it with her. I can’t stand when she will talk to her other friends (one is a guy that’s her ex that tells her he loves her) I can’t sit here and just watch her slip but it has already happened I suppose. I really don’t know how to get out of it myself, but back to the point. (Sorry for a little side rant, after thinking about it I needed to get it out lol)

I’m not sure really how to force myself to sleep so I can’t guve advice on it. But with suicidal thoughts. Focus on one singular thing that brings you joy, makes you smile, or anything. Boom, you’ve got s reason to live. To hear, eat, smell, see, or touch whatever that may be.

As far as trust issues. That’s something that no one person can fix but yourself. And that takes time and experience. Not to say put yourself in a position where you could get hurt, but try to open a little bit. Tiny bits. Think about it like you’re a new puppy in a brand new home. It takes baby steps but that scared little puppy will eventually grow to be a great dog that loves his owners.

I can’t say much about substance abuse. It really was short lived and I realized after the withdrawals of pain pills that I really didn’t want to go through it again.

But if you ever need anyone. You can contact me, and I promise I’ll be here no matter what.

You message me on HS,
My insta @X.Pxrge
Or My snap @wa1ka

Much love Walker :black_heart:

1 Like
6

Well said ham, you took what I said in compounded on it perfectly. Thank you :heart:

1 Like
7

Yes. It is hard especially by yourself because you are your own biggest critic. I am sorry that you’re going through this.

(How is your daily routine? Can it be possible that you’re just not active enough that your mind explodes with randomness? It could be you can increase your physical activity so you can crash later when you go to sleep.)

I am cheering for you. Be strong and Be safe.