Relapse... maybe i'm alone

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m working with my therapist to try and get back some memory of my childhood which involves talking about a trauma woth my family and putting myself back there…
To briefly explain - when I was 8 years old, I walked in on my father with his hands around my mums neck attempting to strangle her… That is my first ever memory. Already feeling guilt for not doing anything, I deal with my dad constantly reminding me that when I was born I “nearly killed mum” because there was so many complications, including the loss of a twin… Which again, my dad blames me for usually along the lines of “well you kicked your twin out _____” the blank being some kind of insult.
Having to think about all this and go back to those moments is bringing up some emotions that I’ve never felt as an addict - and I don’t know how to deal with them… As stupid as it sounds, I don’t want to lose my clean time, so instead of getting high, I’m cutting as a way to feed the cravings and cope with what I’m feeling. I feel like no one is really listening, that people are starting to give up. I know there’s a lot going on for everyone right now, but, I feel like I need to do this alone so not to drive everyone I love away, but I know I can’t.
I recently chose to accept God into my life, and He has guided me through so much and given me answers to pretty much all of the questions I’ve had, but, it seems He is holding back on guiding me through this maze of emotions I’m dealing with right now, and I trust He’s doing this for a good reason, I just don’t know how long I can keep up with hitting these dead ends. Even during periods where I’m eating, sleeping, taking my meds, doing all those things I keep going right back to where I started. I’m just so tired, just breathing alone is taking up more energy than I have at this point.
Maybe I should just give up?
Maybe I’m going to be stuck in this maze forever?

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Michaela

As I see it. You’re a miracle. If you only knew how complicating the human birthing process is and how the odds of being born truly is you would accept that babies will be miscarried or stillborn on a regular basis. Every birth just in odds of statistics proves how impossible the human birthing process is. So that knowledge alone speaks volumes of your worth.

For your twin, they were saved from the treatment they would have experience from your Father. Nature determined that the twin shouldn’t exist and chose that you should. This speaks volumes of your worth as much as volumes on your twin. (Both positively)

Don’t punish yourself for circumstances that you’ve no control over. So much has been out of your control that you feel the need to control something. You feel powerless, helpless and a reject. The Love you desire should and can come from yourself. Before it comes from others.

Love yourself. Accept yourself. Move on. Move on from your past. Move on from your feelings and fear. Move on from those who hurt you. Move on from yourself doubt. Move on towards your future.

You deserve a lot more than you have experienced. You are worthy. Be strong. Live, Love and Laugh.

Hey Kayla,

First I want to start this off by saying that I love you so so much. You are an amazing person, and you are loved beyond what you will ever know. I love you and miss you a lot.

As far as your post goes, I haven’t been in your shoes, but I understand the struggle of opening up to a therapist and it bringing back old memories or things that we’ve tried to suppress. It’s so freaking hard, but for me it’s lead me to some of the biggest healing moments I’ve ever had. Mind you these things take time, unfortunately it won’t all just work itself out over night.

We both believe in the same God, a God of healing and restoration, a God of forgiveness and love! And Kayla I believe in you. Continue to pray and trust God during this time (I know easier said then done) and I believe He has a plan for you and will make a way for you.

Hold fast Kayla. I love you so much, and miss you more than you know, and remember I’m only a message away if you need me :heart:

Hold fast, you’re worth it,
Monkey