I tell everyone it doesn’t matter what people say about you. Especially if you’re still in school - you’re young, and these people wont stay in your life forever, and if they’re that judgemental their opinion sure as hell shouldn’t hold any value at all. I tell them I know it’s hard, but try to keep in mind it’s all temporary and it doesn’t matter and they don’t deserve the power to affect you. Try to not let them change you. Try to let it go.
I don’t know why I cant let it go.
I don’t even know what I want. Acceptance? Apology? No. I don’t want those people to accept me, I don’t want horrible people to agree with me on anything, especially on whether or not I’m allowed to be myself and exist when my way of existing never hurt anyone. I don’t want an apology, I know they were kids and they were making jokes and an apology wont take back their words. I don’t need them to regret it, we cant go back in time. What happened cant be fixed, we can just learn to live with it.
Why cant I fucking live with it?
It’s been over 6 years. Why are their words still haunting me? No one has said a bad word about me in over 6 years. No one has walked up to me on the street. No one has made fun of me. No one has been mean or hurtful on purpose. So why cant I walk down the street without being terrified to death that someone will walk up to me again and say something horrible? And so what if someone did? Would it end the world? No, it wouldn’t. It would prove that that person is a closed-minded asshole and they’re doing me a favour by keeping their trash selves out of my life. So why am I so scared? Why does the sole possibility, that someone could potentially say something hurtful to me again, make me so terrified of other people that I struggle to leave my home?
They haunt me. Years later, and I still see them, hear them. Every look from a stranger veils a look of disgust they threw at me. Every smile hides the sarcastic, mocking laugh they did to make fun of mine. Every look that’s turned away too quickly mirrors the way the turned towards each other, pretending to hide their laughs while making sure that I still saw them, and that I knew they were laughing at me. Their judgement is still present in every stranger I meet.
I hate that I cant get over it. I hate that I don’t even understand why. I hate that I have no idea what would help me to. I hate that they still control my entire life when they didn’t deserve to affect a single day. I hate that I’m fighting an enemy who has left the battlefield years ago. I’m powerless in front of their ghosts. I let them do this to me. I’m still letting them do this to me every day. I’m so fucking pathetic.
I hate that I’m this fucked up because of people who don’t even remember me, think about me or realize they ever did anything wrong.