Something I struggle with a lot is self worth or how I view myself.
I basically just jump to “I hate myself” in a lot of situations because I don’t have any other way to explain it- I guess I’m mad at myself for letting bad things happen, I don’t know.
I’ve tried thinking more philosophicaly into it before and it just made me frustrated but I guess I realize that there is a lot of things behind it- I still have to sort it all out and honestly I don’t even know if I’m making sense.
I think so much goes on and it’s too much and I just jump to I hate myself and slam my fists into my body, or cry on the bathroom floor for an hour or have an anxiety attack.
I also have learned that I have anxiety attacks- maybe they are panic attacks but I don’t know the distinction between the two- all I know is it’s some kind of attack my mind is having on my body and sense and nerves. I guess I always thought that there was a specific way for an anxiety attack to be an anxiety attack or whatever- if you get what I mean- but those kinds of situations are different for everyone- one set of occurrences does not make something an anxiety attack or depression or any other thing that happens that has a label. I really hope I make sense.
Sometimes I just get really sick of being a girl because of hormones and I think oh maybe it’s just my hormones but I don’t really even know. I’m just so frustrated with life right now.
And the thing is it’s like man things are terrible right now but then tomorrow they could be ok and I think I’m getting better and things are going to be ok and get better but they just don’t.
I feel like I’ve been fighting this battle for too long and I should be seeing results and I shouldn’t have to reach out to people or feel the way I do but I just can’t win it seems.
I guess all this stuff happens and it’s easier to beat myself up about it all mentally and physically than taking it out on other people. It’s easier to say I hate myself.