So yesterday was my 70th day without using self injury, and then I relapsed.
I should be proud that I got that far- that I made it so long, but every time I think about how I have to reset my timer I get hit with a wave of emotions.
Why did I have to do it? Why was I so stupid to use that way of coping?
I know it’s not possible but I just wish I didn’t self injure. It’s just starting over again, I just wish I didn’t follow through.
Why didn’t I just talk to a friend? Why didn’t I just calm down? Why did I do it?
I feel ashamed that I made it so far and I once again have fallen.
I made a lot of progress but now this is just another stone added to the pile of things I have to work through.
I feel ashamed and guilty that I did this.
Recently I have been so easily angered and frustrated. I’ve been so mad at certain people for not listening- for not understanding the truths, but here I am.
I know I’m loved, I know I’m worthy of good, I don’t believe I have failed others besides my parents.
I believe a lot of my struggles are internal and with myself- like I’m not good enough for myself and I’ve failed myself by relapsing. I’m still struggling a lot with self worth- I take a lot and I put it on myself. A lot of the times it is well if I would have done one thing than this negative would be have happened. I put it on myself.
I was good at talking to others when I am struggling but I’ve been so overcome with anger that I just took it out on myself.
I just feel ashamed of myself.