Still struggling with my sexuality/why is dating so hard

HeartSupport Support
1

So I made a post a while back stating hey I figured out my sexuality- but now I don’t think I’m right again.

My sexuality is something that I’ve struggled with for a very long time. I have thought I had it figured out very many times but now I am going on 5 years of struggling with this.

I thought I was demi- bisexual because I don’t feel romantic attraction towards people until I get close to them, and I like guys and girls- at least I thought.

I started using a dating app and now I am just confused. I don’t even know if I want to be in a relay but it’s like it’s something I yearn for; it’s like one day my heart will feel all fluttery with this guy I’m talking to but then the next hour I will not want him to be in my life at all- not because he is a bad guy, just because it’s different I guess and it feels weird.

I wouldn’t say my parents shunned dating my whole life but I guess it was always just a weird topic to bring up- my sister has dated a lot and I guess I just don’t want my parents to talk about me like they have talked about her.

I know I am going to be told to be careful and I have my whole life; I am very careful and honestly too careful. I don’t really like to reach out to people or get close to people because it’s just too much; there was a guy that I was open to and he kind of just let me suffer alone and he deserted me for a long time.

… then I found him on this dating app and started talking to him again. I feel really stupid for reaching out to him again.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I thought I liked guys and girls and then I thought I was just asexual. I think a part of me just wants to be asexual because then I don’t have to worry about a relationship or getting too close to someone just to have them abandon me again.

I’ve never dated, never went on a date, and I guess I just don’t know what to do- how to approach it. Do I even want to embark on this yet? Do I even want this in my life?

I’m just really frustrated with myself and my body for not understanding who I like and don’t like; I know I don’t have to label myself but it’s just nice to have a label I guess. Just to know so I’m not sitting there wondering why I don’t like this person or gender or something.

I don’t ever talk about dating or liking people so this is a first. I feel like I want to abandon this person I met, and this girl I met, and this person I let come back into my life.

I feel so weird and disgusting. I don’t know what to do.

2

Here’s probably a few pieces of why you’re struggling:

You don’t want to give yourself another reason to feel totally condemned by your parents. It is the deepest pain of your life.

You don’t want to feel the same disappointment and “figure it out yourself” pain from another human being.

You have swallowed a lie that you hate yourself – and you expect if others get to know you they will too. There might be a subconscious part of you that expects them to abandon you if they get to know you, even though there’s another part of your heart that hopes they don’t. You’re protecting yourself from the pain if they do.

Plus you HAAAAATE being awkward. You hate those parts about yourself. You’d be giving yourself more reasons to criticize yourself and be disappointed in yourself.

→ I DO NOT BELIEVE THESE THINGS ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU. But it is part of the pain of your story. I am simply pointing these things out because you’re not stupid for having apprehension about romance. It’s booby trapped with all sorts of entanglements. If I were in your story, I would be struggling with that category too.

<3

2 Likes
3

Thanks Nate. I guess I answered a lot of my own questions here; I think just doing it is hard. I guess we learn as we go on though.

Thanks for your response; hold fast.

image
F0E755CE-2421-4AE3-990C-D595DB3163E8.jpeg669×920 36.7 KB

3 Likes
4

Dear @Lyss

I love you, and I really feel for you as you are thinking about all of this. Everything you wrote sounds so familiar to me, it could have been taken from my journals.

Labels can be comforting as well as useful; if it seems different tomorrow than it was today, it’s because you are describing a moving target. I can assure you that you are not disgusting, and not weird (in any pejorative sense; weird is a synonym for interesting). Trying to connect with people to be friends is often difficult and emotionally confusing, and dating/liking people only increases that by an order of magnitude or so!

One thing I want to point out is it sounds like you are feeling a sense of urgency about this, like you are under pressure to figure things out immediately. As someone who always wants to find the answer and be done NOW, (and so many things in life refuse to cooperate with that desire) I get this. If you are feeling at a loss for what to do, it’s really ok not to do anything right this minute. If that is uncomfortable, give yourself a timeframe: sleep on it, or wait two days, or even a week. But you can give yourself room to breathe and you don’t have to have a final answer this instant. Even if you are responding to someone asking you on a date, it’s ok to take some time before you message them back. It’s okay to decide “you know what, I’m going to focus on school/work/myself right now” if that is more comfortable. Nor do you have to explain your reasons. I don’t mean that ‘you have the rest of your life’ (an ambiguous term in any case, under the best of circumstances) just that a day or an hour or even just a minute to draw breath and think are all reasonable space to give yourself.

It’s definitely okay to feel weird about the whole process - if people didn’t, there wouldn’t be nine zillion romance novels, rom-coms, advice columns, self-help books and so forth. It’s another one of those deals where everybody only looks like they’ve got it together, inside it’s all panic and second-guessing. Dating is hard enough that people invented matchmakers and arranged marriages just to avoid it and the confusion it can cause, after all.

You are loved and you are not alone, no matter what configuration your romantic life does or doesn’t fall into. If you want to talk or vent or whatever feel free to message me any time.

1 Like
5

Hi Lys
I love you.
I too have difficulty with understanding my sexuality and it makes things so hard when you think you’ve worked it out and then suddenly something else happens. I’d be happy to talk with you at some point about it though if it would help. I’ve looked so much into sexuality and spoken to so many people - maybe I could say something somewhat worth while?
I still love you no matter what. You’re amazing.

Hold fast
Kayla

2 Likes
6

Speaking from my own experience, I would totally avoid dating sites and apps

7

Hey friend,
I know how hard this can be and how difficult it can make dating but you are beautiful and loved no matter your sexuality or anything else for that matter.
I know dating may seem hard or weird but you’ll never know till you try and anyone who meets you would be lucky to have you. You are amazing and so so kind.

I know it’s really frustrating but the more you over think it the more confusing it becomes if that makes sense. I have been questioning my sexuality for ages now coming to the conclusion that I don’t want this “word” to describe me, so when people ask I just say that I love who I love regardless Of gender e.c.t

We accept you no matter what!

I really hope you feel better, and I’m here for you friend :heart:️
Hold fast,
Luna

1 Like