I have come a long way from when I first came here a year ago but had my first anxiety attack this year to the point where my hands were shaking on Friday. It’s my job to open the Friday meeting I show up there are a ton of people there setting up for a craft show. I had to find a different room than normal also. I was able to set up everything just fine but no idea why I was feeling this way. The first person that showed up I told them that I’m not okay I even told my sponsor after the meeting. I did have a moment during the meeting where everything was going well and I felt good. We went to get food after and I just felt off I wasn’t myself. Saturday I went into work and depression hit. There were a few times I started breaking down almost to the point of tears. I have been stuck in a depression funk ever since. I kept bussy doing house work to keep my mind off things. That night I figured it would be best to make a meeting, I had friends there but I felt so alone. Today I went over my parents for lunch than to a trick or treat car show with most of my family but still feel alone. I just feel so empty lately. I do have some friends that I do things with but it’s not every weekend. I will wake up and have a sinking feeling I’m not doing anything that day with anyone maybe just a meeting. Do I reach out and try to make plans with other people? No, that’s where my anxiety wins. I did bring up a place to go check out with a friend maybe something will come of it. I also have this thought that everyone hates me I know it’s a lie I do call it out but just constantly comes and goes. I know these people really care and it sucks to even have that thought but I cant make it go away. My therapist has brought up the idea of a relationship to fill the emptiness I’m feeling but my anxiety makes me shy away from the idea. If I have a super hard time making friends how am I ever going to talk to someone I like. Another thing that I’m struggling with is I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 18 I’m 27 now. I have only been in shity high school relationships how will I ever know what to do in an a adult relationship. Would someone even want to be with someone who hasn’t been in a relationship in 9 years. I have a really bad habit of putting people I like much higher than me like they look so pretty/cute/beautiful, they are more popular, I shouldn’t even try. I tend to become good friends with them and they become a part of my recovery and I’m afraid to say anything because what if they turn me down and hurts the relationship we already have as friends. I would also like to find someone in recovery also but just so few women in the the rooms just makes it feel like there is nobody out there for me and the women that are single show no interest. I just want this emptiness feeling to go away but I’m just so held back by anxiety I dont know what to do. Going out and doing things with friends fills is for a day but just comes back.
Friend,
I love you.
You and your struggles are valid.
You are not alone.
Will post again soon with a better response but just know I love you and I’m so proud of you.
Hold fast, talk to you soon.
With love,
Lyss(ur pal Blurryface)
Evan <3
Thank you for being so honest, you are truly an amazing person and I’m sad to hear you’re struggling again. I’m a little younger - 22, but I’ve never been in a proper relationship either. They’ve either all been guys trying to get close to my best friend through me or girls that just want to be able to say they have a girlfriend until the person they really want comes along. On several occasions I’ve spoken up and told the people I like how I feel and each time get rejected - you’re not alone in the anxiety of never finding anyone, or no one ever wanting you. But, honestly, when you do find that person, they are going to be so lucky. You’re such an amazing person with a massive heart and you deserve the right person. Keep fighting… I love you Evan!
Hold Fast
Kayla
Evan,
im so sorry youve been going through this ,thank you for posting, just know your loved no matter what. btw no one hates you . just know you are not alone with the anxiety … i deal with it to … you are loved. hold fast
hey Evan, thanks for sharing
Evan, thanks for sharing your story with us, hope you’ll get better.
I’ve reread the OP a few times and putting myself in your shoes I’d point out there are possible expectation issues popping up?
The stress of a situation (opening for a meeting) and moving to a different room… I’d have unspoken unrealistic expectations that I’d have to do everything really well or people would judge, and that the changes would get in the way of my previous plans.
The self-pressure plus the stress (and the people, introvert here) would probably send me into a form of overstimulation that would manifest as jitters, tension, poor breathing, being overwhelmed and then as it passes … the funk hits because it not only took a lot of energy to deal with the fight/flight response but the whole situation is stressful itself.
I think you need to be kinder to yourself, and find the small things that “seem dumb” but help to calm and center yourself. I like a dark quiet room and just doing slow deep belly breaths, sometimes to the point where I can hear my own heartbeat. Do what works for you.
Moving forward, maybe see what needs you’re not getting met. I know a lot of people are touch starved these days for instance.
Let us know what else we can see / discover. What we learn from others we don’t need to learn ourselves (saves a lot of grief to share these stories so we don’t have to deal with them ourselves, alone).
@Evan9171 I been/am where you are at. Take your time. I don’t know you like your therapist knows you. Yet I find it offputting that your therapist thinks a relationship/falling in love can fill the void in your life.
IMO that is just a disaster waiting to happen. I’m not saying it can’t happen. I’m saying they want you to be dependent on somebody else in your pursuit of happiness. I’m not being against being dependent on people. I’m against when those people fail and turn against you and you’re left all alone. (You became dependent on them and now they’re not there. That will be a devastating situation.) Why can’t you be independent while depending on someone that way when they fail & go away. You’ll be alright.
If any relationship you have to try & fill the void. I suggest the relationship with yourself. That way you can still develop feelings or a connection with someone else, but if they decide you’re not going to work & leave you. You have yourself to support you and you won’t be left with another void that consumes your life.
I suggest if developing your relationship with yourself is not enough and the obstacles with developing one with another person seems too steep a climb… A pet might be suitable. If you have one or can obtain one. This could help you on your path. It wouldn’t be a negative since pets are usually loyal to their friends/owners. IMO. (Then after this maybe develop a connection with another human being.)
Hi Evan,
Thanks for sharing, and a good discussion today on Heart Support abut your support wall that you posted. You actually sound like you have a lot of awesome things about your life and I don’t think you should get down on yourself just because you had a bit of anxiety come along to try and ruin your day. Stick at it with your friends, family, and responsibilities, and enjoy the time you have on your own too. Keep working on the thoughts you’re having and why you’re thinking them. As Casey said on stream, they are often lies, so it’s right to ask what evidence is there for holding them. I know you can face them and overcome any anxiety they bring up. In the meanwhile, know you’re not alone in this world- that you will always have plenty of supportive friends here at Heart Support if you ever need to share your journey.
Be strong and conquer!
@Evan9171Love you brother. Hold Fast.
Thanks for the responses, love you all and this community so much. I never thought I was going to bounce back from this as quickly as I did. Dan and Casey all the nice things you said had me in tears. I watched most of the vod on my way to a meeting after work and at that meeting someone brought up being empty and if you were to win the lottery that would fill you for a short time and it no longer would be enough and you will want more. In my addiction I felt empty so I turned to drugs and alcohol I used more and more till I was out of control and still felt empty. Drugs were only a symptom of my addiction and it can manifest itself in different ways this was my addiction sneaking in from a different direction. From what I got from the video is I need to be okay with who I am and where I am in life and it was an instant turn around, I am doing much better now. I dont need to be rushing things that I should let come naturally. Thanks for all the love and support love you all.
you have no reason to be down or depressed. everything will turn around. always here if you need to talk <3. I just recently became single - and it’s hard. but you’re very cute btw! nice eyes! 
Evan,
This post made me think of one of my favorite quotes…“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. It takes courage to be so honest and I thank you for sharing those parts of you with this amazing community.
You mentioned the idea of a relationship to fill the emptiness in your life. I want to share that I do not believe that anyone should get into a relationship to fill a void in their lives. However, I am wondering if through self-exploration and growth, you realized that despite the fears and insecurities you have about relationships, you want to work TOWARDS a relationship, family, etc. I am guessing your therapist discussed relationships to encourage you to start pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and not necessarily to fill a void. Perhaps by allowing yourself to meet new people and by creating new friendships and relationships, you expose yourself to the fears you have about meeting new people. As you begin to feel more comfortable meeting new people and become more comfortable with yourself, you may feel less anxious in general. You mentioned you want to reach out and make plans, but your anxiety wins. I am guessing your therapist knew this about you and worked it from a different angle. The encouragement to meet new people, to engage in social activities, and even to date, is less about finding someone so that you are not alone. Instead, it serves to be a way to help you form relationships that can provide support when you are feeling lonely and to allow you to feel comfortable reaching out when you want to.
The emptiness you feel cannot be fixed simply by getting into a relationship. I think it is important to note that you will never find your worth in another human being. Self-love, self-respect, self-worth all start with you. I want you to find these within yourself.