Like Jacky Chan in all not family films, I’m battling dark forces from every direction, pouring on me like a gigantic waterfall of negativity. Not all the time but many times a day I have to give it everything Ive got to resist the urge to be depressed and miserable. I drown it the notion that everything is not going to work out n can’t just feel happy amongst whatever is going on. I have this impulse that generates the worst thoughts possible n I can’t ignore them very well, thoughts of failing my family, of my wife or daughter dying or leaving or something horrible that can only conjure true misery. Delusions excruciating. Anything in my vision can trigger it, I’m driving - I vision a massive car crash, I’m on the balcony - I vision someone falling off. I see a shelve - I vision it falling on someone I care about. I see the stairs - I vision my baby falling down… All delusional lead me to the death of my most important beloved people. For me, a close second worst part is that I almost always(96% of the time) indulge the thought thoroughly, analyzing every aspect, really diving into the feeling involved. I actually get very worked up to the point my breathing is affected-anxiousness. I have to quite literally run from the thought n burry it with another positive thought. It’s hard, I take the scenarios right to the end, fantasizing about coping wit these tragedies. This truly exhausts me AND…i really feel like I’ve been thru all this which leaves me sad n broke again, constantly reminding myself that it’s not real n not ever going to happen (fingers crossed). I’m a new dad (she’ll be 3 in September) I kno I’ll be worried about my family but this is too much n I kno it’s hindering my behavior. I love my family n all of u guys, I’m battling evil, walking on the water of negativity, ready to fall at anytime, never comfortable, fearing disaster, seeking solace.
Hi Adrian,
My heart breaks a little as I read this post because I know the anxiety of living in these fears. I had a rough upbringing and a rough life through my 20’s. Everything around me was collapsing, toxic, difficult and caused for an unhealthy and miserable life lived. As I came out of that into a new chapter of my life I began to experience these same fears.
I don’t have family. But I have a very happy relationship who’s family I have gained through him that are accepting. But I fear every single day that something may happen and I’m lose it all now that I have some happiness in my life. Paranoia takes over. I fear car accidents, shootings, fatal work injuries…anything that may take him from me.
I have so few people in my life that I’m close to, that I always fear I’ll lose them and be alone. One of my biggest fears is dying alone. Being left on the streets because I have health issues and nothing to give to have them proper care.
It’s awful how trapped we can get in our fears. It robs us of our happiness. It gets in the way of how we function and our relationships.
It’s important to try to calm our minds out of this thought process and way of thinking. But sometimes it’s not always easy.
For some people just talking about it helps. For others therapy is more necessary to get through it. Is therapy something that is accessible for you?
I’m sorry that your battle with something so dark, so trapping and so terrifying. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone.
But I want you to know that you’re not alone. That you are cared for and valued. That I see you and what you’re going through.
I hope that you are able to find the strength and courage to seek whatever help or way that you need to get the proper care so you can work through it. I hope for you that you can find comfort and healing. Peace. And if you ever need a safe place, we are here to encourage and support you.
So much love to you
- Kitty
I had someone close to me who faced similar struggles and thoughts. I’m sorry to hear that as it is very exhausting and painful, as you said. I encourage you to seek help through therapy and try different therapeutic options to learn how to break these cycles of thought. It is possible to experience relief from this anxiety! I like that you say it is a battle because it truly does take strength, patience, and practice but you can beat this dark force. Hang in there
Very sorry to hear about your fears and the crisis your going thru. Have you thought about maybe seeking the advice of a psychologist? Or changing your environment. Being around toxic people can bring your mental and physical health down.
Know you are loved and cared for here.