So about 2 and half weeks ago I tried to kill myself again. Nothing “serious” happened but I ended up getting sent to emerge and being admitted to the psych ward for a week. I don’t know why but everything from the past few weeks has just sort of hit me today, I am feeling so lost. I don’t know where to go from here. I keep thinking I have hit rock bottom time and time again. I really need relief but I don’t know how to get it in a healthy way. I don’t feel like I deserve the relief. When I was admitted part of me felt like this was a turning point but it ended up being a dead end. I still feel the same way and just want to die. I wish I had died that night because I can’t think of any reason to keep living anymore. I am just continuing to cause problems for everyone and everyone would be better off without me. It physically hurts to keep living and I feel so stuck in this life.
I’m sorry that things are so difficult and that you feel like it’d still be better if you weren’t here. To feel like you are at rock bottom and can’t find your way out is a hard place to be. You want relief so desperately, but question if you even deserve it. Let me tell you this, friend. Hear me out. YOU DESERVE IT. You are worth fighting for. It might seem like they’ll never be relief. But hold on. You are beautiful and worthy of healing. Healing may not come in your timing. (I know this way too well, and am currently struggling with this concept.) But there is always hope. There is always a reason to keep fighting. Keep fighting. Even if it seems pointless. Some day you will look back and realize it was worth it. Stay strong. You are loved. You are never alone.