The better I become, the more animosity I feel towards everyone

HeartSupport Support
1

Ideally, your family is supposed to be your rock, your support, the protection against the wind when times are hard. Friends could also be lumped into that, maybe not as much though.

I have failed my driver’s permit test 18 times. I’ve always been bad at tests in school. I’d usually get a C or a D. Occasionally an F. I was yelled at for it a lot.

So many family and friends “congratulating” me, saying how “proud” they are of me.

For the longest time, I was trying to get my permit. I failed time and time again. Eventually, I passed. For 3 hours, I was on top of the world. Then, I began to remember all the doubt, anger, and sadness I felt.

That was in January. Skip ahead to now, I don’t have my license but, I am driving people’s cars and I’ve lost weight.

It genuinely makes me angry how I have more respect now than I did before when I didn’t have a permit and was bigger. I still have hope that I can successfully kill myself and have no part in this life.

I’ve thought about saving a lot of money and moving to Washington State; far away from Minnesota but I’ve come to accept the reality that no matter where I end up, I still have all the fakes around me.

I do believe that no matter how “well” I am in this life, I will never have a place here or with people. If I could trade places with someone who’s dying, I would in a heartbeat.

2

Dave,

Makes sense man. You’re just looking for someone to see you and accept you as you are, with no strings attached. You’re looking for unconditional love. UNconditional love. That love exists. People will fall short of that standard every time. But! That disappointment can point you to the one place that kind of live resides.

3

Hey there buddy. I’m really proud that you reached out and expressed yourself here, it’s never easy to let things out :slight_smile: Your story hits me deep as I can somehow relate… I was bullied throughout my high school life, added on mental abuse from my own family members, my own mom telling me that it were best I took my life, never had good grades as well barely made it through, blew a fuse and went into isolation for a few years and 4 suicide attempts… So yeah I can really feel how much things are hurting for you as well… Death is disturbingly comforting for us when we think about ending the pain. But I want you to know that with time and endurance + self love + Patience, we will get better and as long as we’re willing to pick ourselves up with baby steps, we will get better and we are enough :slight_smile: No one needs to tell us that we are enough because we already are enough as we are :slight_smile: Choosing to end things only prevents things from getting better in the long run, so hang in there okay? We’re all here for each other and you’re completely safe here with us.

Ah and also, I relate to the “no matter where you end up , you still have fakes around you”. I have a hard time socializing where I come from because of the shallow mindedness culture. My close friends are all scattered around Europe and I can’t afford to go and see them… I used to think and obsessed how life would be so great if I could be with all of them. But then again reality is harsh, so it’s okay :slight_smile: Truth is, we always somehow end up thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, it’s not. It’s greener where you water it.

We are all here for you, keep on going okay buddy? :3 *hugs

4

There will be as many “fakes” as there are “assholes”. That is just the way it has always been.

“When we feel as though no one can give us the love and support, the light we need when things are dark, we go out and set an example by giving that light to others.” - Mxiety

If you feel there are too many “fakes” then go out and about and be real. Be the example you want others to be.