So for the last few weeks a lot is going horribly wrong in my life. Let me start by saying that this is not about what is going wrong entirely but more how it is all impacting me. This is about how much what is going on is bringing me back into a horrible place that I do not like being. I am going to have to give a little back story.
First I moved last month to an entirely new area for me with one of my best friends who is amazing in every way but we both have a lot of issues we struggle with. In the last month alone we both have had a lot hit us that has keep bringing us down. I have had a lot of medical issues and one of them being seizures. Well I have for a long time been needing a service dog. I planned to get my own by adopting a dog. I found what felt like the perfect dog. Sadly that dog got terribly sick and ended back at that shelter because whatever had her sick also was causing that dog to be different than she was. It didnt seem to stop there. The shelter told us she was going to be put down so my heart broke there was no way to help this amazing dog that fit me so well. She had already been alerting to my disabilities like the seizures and she was picking up on a lot that most dogs dont right off the bat. I was so happy it felt like life was finally going right or at least I thought so. Well after she ended back at the shelter my roommate broke mentally and a lot has gone on there adding to everything I was trying to not deal with what was going on because that is what I do. I am a caregiver I care about others more than myself and my roommate needed my help. With her falling apart and me trying to hide my feelings I just shut out how I felt about all the stuff with the dog. I shut out allowing myself to handle it all. That is never good for me. I keep having issues with health and with mental health. About a week after all of this happens I finally have that moment where everything I am hiding from comes back. I didnt handle it well I went into a very dissociative state and during it I broke my two months clean from self harm and harmed. When I came through I was so mad at myself. Like how can i help others and do that. It triggered all my anger and feeling like a failure because why am I like this. When anything goes wrong I choose to harm. I wish my long time of stuff ended there but it doesnt. I have continued to search for that perfect dog and NOTHING is changing nothing is working to find that dog. One of the times we went back to the shelter my roommate found a dog to become her service dog but she wont work for me sadly because I need so much more from the dog. I feel like nothing is going to change there and it scares me. This dog that I need to help me is so much more than just a dog. I am getting to a point where all the disabilities I have are like too much to handle and I cant take it any more. It feels like my disabilities control my life. To top it all off I have for sure hit a place where I am down I dont find the joy in what i love. I just dont any more. I keep getting mad at myself because I just dont want to do much if at all. It angers me because I try to help my anxiety attacks or what not and just fail at it.
What has drawn me to finally write this all out is about two nights ago I had such a bad panic attack that I literally only saw one option to end it all. That those dark pieces are finally getting to be too much to hold too much to deal with and I dont like it. I CANT HANDLE THIS. I feel like it is just way more than I can handle and so here I am in a desperate need of the support. I just feel like my life is not going to get much better currently. I feel like every way I go keeps leading to another pain or another hurt. I am really getting sick of it. Sick of the fact that why cant I find the good in my life and it really sucks.
Ash, you are so loved . I know it’s hard . We love you friend. I am so sorry this happened I hope you can find a service animal that will help you . Just know your disabilities doesn’t define you . We love you ash . I hope things get better
Ash, friend, I love you so much. You’re so freaking brave, I’m sorry that you’ve got so much going on. I relapsed in my self harm as well recently, and I have had to take a step back from helping people which I hate. I’m so proud of you for reaching out to the community and continuing to come back. You’re loved SO MUCH. More than you know, I can’t say I know the pain of losing a pet/dog, but having my dogs I imagine the amount of pain it’ll cause me. It amazes me that you put all of this behind you to help your roommate, and I do the same for people that love me. I will always put other people before myself, but, sometimes we need to learn to take a step back for ourselves. I don’t know if any of this makes sense because it really freaking hurts me to read that you’re going through this. I love you Ash, Iknow it hurts, but we are here for you. You’re one of the most amazing people I know. Keep fighting.
ah ash, i’m so sorry you’re going through this situation that pushed you beyond what you could handle. don’t be angry at yourself, i’m sure you can handle much more than you could 2 months ago. it was just too much at once for now =\
we’re here for you and we’ll keep supporting you while your roommate can’t (and after).
I’m so sorry to hear about how hard life is right now. Losing a pet is something that is really hard to cope with, but you’re doing a good job fighting back by trying to find a new pal, all while continuing to fight back against your demons in the meantime. You have a big heart for also wanting to help your roommate, but make sure to take care of yourself too. Think of “mental health” and “physical health” as two similar things - for example, if you’re healthy, take care of the sick, but if you’re sick, make sure to take care of yourself. We care for you and we want you to see you get better! Stay strong. You can do this. We believe in you.
hey ash <3 just copying and pasting something i said during the live support wall just now, but regarding the relapse: every time you relapse, the time you spent not harming is a boost that helps you the next time. dealing with self harm is hard, and when things get rough its something familiar and comforting, but every “failure” is another leg up on your journey to staying clean longer.
youre dealing with a lot of shit right now–be a friend and advocate to yourself, not an enemy. and please always reach out when things are too hard to handle alone. you are loved. <3
Dear Ash,
I’m so glad to see your post, I have been thinking about you and missing you.
I feel for you so much. I have been in that dark place where everything you do to survive or try to thrive seems to turn around and bite you. The anxiety insists there is no way forward and no way to go back, so it’s logical to feel trapped and hopeless. I had to tell myself that I had one thing to do, and that was stay alive. If I could manage it, alive plus clean/sober, but if I couldn’t, just alive. Sometimes all the new and healthier coping skills don’t work, so the older less-healthy ones get used. That’s ok. It’s practice, and being clean/sober is a skill so it takes practice.
You deserve happiness, and peace and a life you want to live. You are loved, no matter what. What you feel is important, and I am glad you shared this. I always want to hear what you have to say. Always.