In my life, I’ve faced the reality of growing up in a broken home. Everything in my life was a competition. As a Christian, I feel as if that’s wrong. In my mind, it seems as if I’m making walls instead of building bridges. The worst part is that I somewhat enjoy it. For example, I enjoy taking the other side of an argument even if it’s against my moral beliefs. Because of my upbringing (which wasn’t particularly Christian), I feel as if my life isn’t grandeur enough, and I feel as if i’m never challenged, which pushes me to create more division in my family, my church, and my community in search of something more. I feel terrible. But somewhere in me, I’ve been wired to enjoy this, and somewhere I yearn for more (confrontation). This has brought me to hate myself for who I am. Ironically, the division I create has come full circle and created division in my own mind. My actions have brought upon mental health issues, bipolar depression, and self-harming actions.
in my mind, I’ve made myself an antihero. I feel as if I’m committing necessary evils for the world. I even feel as if I’m doing gods work, and it’s contradictory.
Jhurl, I’m sorry that you’re struggling like this right now. We love you and I’m so glad you feel you can reach out. As someone who has self harmed and is still in the early stages of recovery from it, I can relate to those feelings of conflict. You aren’t alone. God accepts you for who you are and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Stay strong.
jhurl23, I wish I was on my computer because it would be easier to share things with you. I encourage you to look up the enneagram and in particular the personality type # 8… There is nothing ungodly or evil about being a challenger, I don’t know a thing about you but I deeply feel there is a reason you cause this thing you call division in the places you have community, and I want to tell you these things are not bad or evil, they have a design and a purpose but going about it unguided or in a place of pain is probably why things are in chaos or not leading to anything good at the moment. Challenging the status quo is the only way change ans growth can take place, churches, families, work places and all communities can benefit from a challenger. Please stop shaming yourself for the very nature of who you are, the fact that you can take the view of an opposition to any situation is a very powerful and beautiful gift. You must know that all people were created for good and everything in our lives was made to make us unique and a gift to those we encounter. I must admit that it is hard for me to write this, and I am kind of breaking down because I have shut it all away because my life has made me feel it is all a lie as in I am a gift to no one or no one loved me enough to see of feel my presence as a gift in their life… But here goes and I am sorry if I fail to deliver this message because swallowing it myself is very painful for that reason… You are a beautiful and wonderful complicated human that was crafted by the life you had with your family, as painful as it might be, to be one of a kind in the perspective and understanding of the world. Only you can offer the insight and point of view you have to any and every situation. Take these things and craft them in love; since you are a Christian, I think, I would encourage you to take into consideration the words that Jesus uses to define love and craft your actions based on that idea, including the inclination for conflict and challenge. It is not ungodly to create conflict. God did not create a world that fuctions in pacifism, I know we all are in an age where we want peace because of the destruction and choas of war that we have seen but peace is not free of conflict, love is not free of conflict. Conflict is a natural and organic part of life and love and existing with other beings that sre completely unlike us and in love and healthy life we can find balance and find healthy conflict and loving solutions to that conflict. Consider a mountain who sits amid a flowing river, it has allowed itself to be shaped and crafted by the strength of the water for thousands of years but in its own strength it leads the water to the ocean by only being erroded just so much and in the precise direction that pushes the water to the ocean. We might say, well that is how minerals work and that is how gravity works and that is how water interating with those things work but don’t take those things for granted. Just the same that is how your heart was crafted, that is how a person living your life works, the difference is we have a choice and in that choice we have power. Use it well, chose love, both love of self and love of others given to you. We can often mistake the sacrifice of Christ as full self destruction, on the contrary, Christ acted in the knowledge and faith that his actions would not destroy him as we all would think he worked within his limits (unlimited god in human flesh) choose a balance between loving yourself and who you were made and loving those who are entrusted to your life. I hope that makes sense… I hope you feel better some day and find a sense of self love. Do not shame yourself based on the teachings you follow that is not holy. God is not about shame, growth and dying to the pain and hurt and wrong in ourselves yes but not shame.
I know how hard it is with self injury and feeling hatred towards yourself.
I want you to know you are not alone in this fight.
Ben Sledge, a member of the Heart Support team, created a book called ReWrite to help guide people through getting past their self injury and taking up healthier coping mechanisms. If you are interested to know more, just let me know.
Thank you for posting. You see what your doing is wrong and now the next step is what are you going to do about your problem. When you are in this mind set you can remind yourself of what you are doing and find a way out with out always challenging things. You can also make amends with your family and tell them you have this problem so you can first help the relationship and second they can call you out when you are doing this.
First thank you for posting I know just how hard that is to do. I am also a Christian and have been all of my life but I have struggled with my faith. I want to share something my pastor today told us. He started out talking about how there are two people in this world one that looks at a glass of water half full and one that looks at it as half empty. Those who look at it has half full are going to look at it in away of challenging the world to be better and stronger those who look at it has half empty are going to be down and feel like there is no way to get it fuller. I dont thing that challenging something is entirely wrong it is just how we go about it. Sometimes challenges are what teach us to be better and strong in our faith. Read James 1 for instance it is about how God challenges each of us in our lives with something. This perhaps is your challenge to learn that challenges are sometimes okay but not everything in life is meant to be a challenge. Dont stop believing that it will be okay but remember that the way that we challenge stuff is different for whatever it is. Perhaps consider taking up some kind of sport or activity that you could constantly use as that challenge not in order to challenge your family. I personally will say that sometimes I just have to step out of the argument because I just will not be able to step down if I start knowing myself I dont enter at all. Perhaps use it as that kind of challenge. Find ways to use your love of a challenge but in a different way.
Just know we are here for you and that you are loved.
Hold fast,
Ash
You and I both - we enjoy confrontation. I’ve found a fascination in the study of Biblical theology, and in retrospect, the formation of solid apologetics. I also enjoy watching debates of Creationists VS Evolutionists. Perhaps this might be a healthy outlet for you as well? You mentioned that you enjoy playing devil’s advocate (i.e. taking the other side), and that’s typically how you develop a strong foundation in apologetics - by playing devil’s advocate and questioning everything until you find the answer. You mentioned that you enjoying making yourself out to be an antihero - perhaps you can try to refocus your yearning to be an antihero by challenging yourself to find answers to life’s most difficult questions. Anyway, I hope this helps!
I’ve found a fascination in the study of Biblical theology, and in retrospect, the formation of solid apologetics. I also enjoy watching debates of Creationists VS Evolutionists. Perhaps this might be a healthy outlet for you as well? You mentioned that you enjoy playing devil’s advocate (i.e. taking the other side), and that’s typically how you develop a strong foundation in apologetics - by playing devil’s advocate and questioning everything until you find the answer. You mentioned that you enjoying making yourself out to be an antihero - perhaps you can try to refocus your yearning to be an antihero by challenging yourself to find answers to life’s most difficult questions. Anyway, I hope this helps!