I know the title of the post is something that we say on a daily basis, but the struggle is real with me. It’s not the struggle because I’m tired because I slept like crap the night before or the struggle to get through the workday. It’s the struggle not to cry. It’s the struggle just to make it through the day.
This time of year is extremely rough for me, and I’m ready for it to be over. It’s hard to be happy, joyful, and loving the Christmas magic when you can’t see the two little reasons why you believe in all of that. My ex controls all of my visitation with my daughters, and he makes it incredibly hard for me to see them. I’ve basically given up because I feel like I’ve failed them as a mom. It hurts so bad… I can’t take it. I just want the ache and the pain that I feel every day, especially at this time of year to stop, but it only seems like it gets worse.
I also can’t stand the fact that I can’t trust anyone anymore. I stopped talking to a friend of mine on Facebook messenger today because it had been years since we talked and she messaged me out of the blue. She was a really good friend in high school and I’m grateful that we’ve been able to remain friends, but because of the fact that I am not able to trust (and the anxiety that comes from the mistrust), I ended the conversation without saying anything. I have a massive amount of mistrust, so I just don’t open up the way that I normally would.
Why? Why does it have to be like this with me? I’m tired of hurting and being mistrusting.
Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety stemming from being scorned in the past. Sometimes our best chances of healing come from opening up to someone and talking about our fears and try to come to terms with the things we are scared of. I take meds for my depression and a root extract for my anxiety because I found that just talking didn’t fix my mental state but you may benefit from seeking a therapist. It’s worth a shot, they can help you see things from an outside perspective and do better for yourself and others
I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD because of years of abuse and I am seeking therapy. Sometimes I’m okay and other times I have to be careful of the intrusive thoughts, looking at pictures, etc. I’m sure I’ll be okay after Christmas passes but it’s the time between now and Dec. 26 that hurts. I just want to be able to talk to my friend like I used to in high school. There’s just so much I’m wishing for and I’m not sure if I’ll get any peace.
At the end of the day Dawn, you only fail your kids if you stop trying. You can only control what YOU can control. But dont give up.
Regarding the struggle to not cry - to hell with that. Let it out. Cry. It’s ok to not be ok.
Also, trust is rough. But if you seal yourself off entirely - you eliminate any hope of having that light in your life again. It is a solution, but not a particularly great one. You may get hurt. But id rather get hurt with the prospect of having that light back than seal the light away forever.
Just take it one day at a time. You may not see the improvement but I can guarantee you are getting better, just a little bit at a time. It takes time for wounds to heal, the important part is making the effort to continue the healing
This time of year there is so much pressure to be joyous and it’s often hard to reach out and tell people you’re hurting because of this pressure. I’m so happy you came here to open up. That shows a lot of strength. This is a hard season for you, but remember that this season will not last forever and you will find peace. I’m sure it’s so hard with your daughters, but I know they love you and the fact that you care so much shows you’re not a bad mom. Hold fast.
Thanks everyone. It’s been fights with the “ugly cries” lately. I know that I will get through it. I made it through last year when everything was fresh, but this year it just seems tougher than last. I would love to have my babies with me everyday. The holes that are there in my heart would be easier to deal with (or they wouldn’t be there at all). It’s just going to be one day at a time till this time of year passes. I know I will feel this way again when their birthdays roll around next year (they will be 5 and 7) and on the first day of school.
Hey Dawn. I love you <3
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know what it feels like to be on the verge of crying all day everyday and want all the pain to go away. I’ve been feeling this on the daily recently - so much pain that I would do anything to end and constantly trying to hold back tears. It’s a horrible feeling, especially when people are trying to reach out and you believe you should trust but can’t.
You are already talking about it, and trusting people by posting here. That’s a huge step - it’s freaking hard to do. You don’t deserve any of this - and you’re strong. You can keep fighting through this - it seems impossible but even when you begin to open up and trust atleast one person, you can let them be strong for you whilst you can’t be. I’m having to learn that the hard way. Start it off with reaching out to someone who replied to the post? Send the post to your friend? Write a letter? Anything to start off that road to trusting. You CAN do it. I thought I would never be able to trust anyone having a whole lifetimes worth of abuse - but there are people I trust in this community with my life now. It’s a difficult road, but it’s possible. Please don’t feel like you’re unsafe here - we are all here to listen.
From what it sounds like, you are TRYING your hardest - and your kids will love you for as long as you’re trying and fighting. Remember that.
dawnstar im struggling as well this holiday. My uncle committed suicide this last week and its hard to find things to be joyful for. You arent alone in feeling the mistrust and not wanting to open up but i encourage you to open up to those you have that unconditional care for you including us. Dont give up on your kids even if there are roadblocks. Eventually they will be adults and can see the efforts you made and will be able to make the choice to see you themselves. Dont give up on them. It sucks not being able to see family during this time of the year, but never stop giving and never stop hoping and loving.
The one thing that I hope (and pray) for is that they eventually see what their dad and their grandmothers did to me, and I hope that they reach out to me. I miss the hugs and hearing “Mommy I love you.” I just put some of their artwork away because it hurts too much to look at. I haven’t given up on them and I pray for them to become even better than me and their dad. I will always love my baby girls. Always. I’m sorry about your uncle, casual_hero. Kayla, I know you’ve been struggling too, and my heart hurts for you.
I’ve replied back to my friend without being too forthcoming with information. I’m just waiting for her to answer me back, and I’ll just see where the conversation goes from there.
Ok, now I can respond properly. There is more to the story that I didn’t tell because I needed to get the feelings out and the wall was the only safe place I could think of last night. I am slowly working up the courage to tell that part of the story. I want to share but because of the fear of judgement, I keep it pretty guarded. I will tell it when I’m ready.
The support that I’ve gotten here has been so helpful. I wish I could have been there when this was live, but I only have so much cell data for the month right now. That, and I didn’t know that this was going to be talked about on stream today. LOL
I am working on the trust thing. I am. A lot of the mistrust comes from my “mom” making me feel abandoned, then turning around and telling me she loves me and she wishes that we would talk. I can only speak from my experience with this, but it turns your world upside down when a parent does something like that to you. It has affected my ability to trust anyone outside of a very small group of people. (I consider the HeartSupport community as one person in that small group, even though there are so many of us here.) I did message my high school friend back, and now I’m just playing the waiting game to hear back from her. (She has a family and a job, so I know that it will take some time for her to get back to me.)
I’ve just gotten started with a new mental health care team, and I will continue to keep working with them. I have made a lot of progress since last September (2017), and I don’t want backslide on that progress.
I am really glad that I reached out to everyone here. Really glad. When I watched the video, I could literally feel the outpouring of love, and it was such a warm feeling. Thank you so much. <3 <3
Most likely it is because of what my Therapist told me. You’re hurt. You’ve been through something or several things (in my case) tramautic. You’re in what is called “survival” mode. You’re guarded and don’t trust anyone.
Problem is that to have a lover, let alone a friend you must be able to trust to some extent.