So I was talking to a friend today who I found was a really good person to talk to when I feel like getting hit by a car basically and I feel as though I have found the root of my issues in life.
So I guess there are two roots, one being anxiety but I’m not focusing on that one here. I’m sure quite a few know about some events that happened in my life about two years ago that led to a long road of bad times.
Basically the first thing is my dad almost died- we woke up to him having a seizure on the floor and I didn’t see it luckily but my sister and mom did. Sister and mom called 911 and the paramedics came to our house and took my confused father out into an ambulance that took him to the local hospital- and when they didn’t know what to do to the hospital and hour and a half away. When we were driving in the car I hadn’t cried yet- I panicked but I didn’t cry because I didn’t see my dad yet. Then we got to the hospital. And then it hit me; I started bawling because all I could see in my dad was confusion. He didn’t know my name or anyone’s name. He talked about computers like they were real words that he was trying to apply to questions such as “how are you” he would just answer with computer words that made no sense.
Anyways- after a week he’s sent home and now we have to take care of him at home. I’m in 10th grade and have a mean chemistry teacher which doesn’t help- and this is all basically near end of the year testing. I remember wanting to go to school after being at the hospital with my dad and family all day the day he had his seizure because of my anxiety and my chemistry teacher being how she is- but I was too tired and upset to go.
Now we have my father at home and my mom and grandmother have to give him IVs for the medicine he needs. He complained about his taste and he lost 50 pounds because his taste was so off he didn’t eat a lot. He couldn’t drive so he complained about that and he said he should just get rope and hang humself in the corner; I was right there when he said it so yeah I went to my room and cried.
His boss at the time came to visit him once- all my other family members didn’t really bother- in fact they all kind of deserted us when he got sick. Just kind of a messed up situation when my mom has been there when my cousin had and abusive boyfriend who threatened to kill her and when my cousin got a ticket my mom was there- she always was. She did stuff she probably shouldn’t have done in her line of work because it’s family but she did. And then where are they when my mom needs them? No where.
Basically my dad gets better enough to go back to work and they treat him like a baby which is stupid because literally the whole time he was sick the only stuff that stuck with him is his work stuff ie computers. And then they fire him.
Luckily my dad had a better job in place so yes that was solved.
Next we hit December- my grandmother was overweight- she went to the doctors a lot and we never got why- we always thought it was for more pills because she was addicted to a lot of pills at one point and then when she moved up into our old house she was weaned off.
My grandma was there when my dad was sick so it is bittersweet I guess that my dad was there and my mom sister and I were there for when my grandmother passed. She went to the hospital one day and they decided to check for something and they found cancer all in her lungs and it already spread to her liver… so all those tests before and all her other appointments… they never bothered to check.
She gets into hospice a week later and she passes a week after being in Hospice. A few weeks before Christmas. We had all her gifts already and when my parents went to see her for when she passed they put her in one of her new Christmas night gowns.
That Christmas was the last Christmas that my aunt and uncle and cousin were there. Then my family fell apart.
My grandfather was livin alone and it wasn’t until the beginning of this year that we actually began to see something was wrong. He has Dimensia so he got lost one day and we really knew them something had to be done. I say we but this was all my mom. My mom had to decide to take the keys away from her father. My mom had to make sure her father was clean because he never remembered. My mother was the one to make sure my father had food and made sure he had all the things he needed to live. She is the one who put him where he is now in his “apartment” which is just like a nursing home but in a hospital. She’s the one who had to take him there the first day without him knowing he wasn’t going back home. She is the one who had to sell his truck and his house. She is the one who had to listen to my dad complain about everything; we were all the ones who never said anything because my dad wasn’t right anymore. He wasn’t fair honestly and he still isn’t.
So basically… these past 2 years might have given me PTSD. I don’t want to say that because I don’t know but I don’t know how else to explain it.
Whenever my dad says certain things, uses a certain tone of voice, whenever he or my mom makes loud noises- I assume they are mad at me because that’s how it was when my dad was sick. He was always mad. Every little thing ticked him off. He still isn’t ok honestly. He has a dead spot in his brain- I get it. He went through a lot- I get it, but he doesn’t take into account what my mom and sister and I had to go through- what we had to see.
I self injure because as stated above when those triggers happen I assume the anger is directed towards me. That’s why I don’t want to say certain things to people- why I don’t want to be open- because I’ve been locked in a mental prison for so long.
I’m terrified of people getting mad at me or annoyed with me so I don’t say anything and I take it out on myself- all the anger I have and terror I have- I take it out on myself with self hate and self injury because I never had anyone during these past two years where my life was hell.
Basically- these past two years fucked me up.
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