This is my first time on heart support. Just figured I’d share my story and how I’m feeling. For the longest time I thought I had it all in life and I felt I was happy. Playing hockey. Having the team always have my back. And after my first girlfriend and I broke up I just felt so helpless and alone. And I started to struggle hard, having a partying lifestyle, I felt it was good because it felt like I had friends again, I lived that way for years, when I finally said enough is enough I started to attend church and was around for my family more, and just when I started to believe God had my back again, my dad passed away, since then, I’ve lived on the streets, I drink and party at every almost every opportunity I had, and started getting into drugs and mixed up with the wrong people, there was a night I was on the verge of ending it, and the song Beauty In Tragedy by August Burns Red came on my phone, from a youtube playlist, the lyrics were enough to keep me going, I stopped the partying, I quit the drugs, now. I feel alone. Like no one has my back, every person I trusted now talks about me behind my back. Spreading rumors about me. I feel helpless and alone, like I have no one to talk to, no one is there when I just need someone. It hurts. And I feel worthless. I do have moments when I’m happy. When I find people who play music. Who are up for getting together. But every person I’ve met just wants to jam for an hour and then go drink… which is still a constant struggle for me… thanks for reading.
Dyamibeaulieu,
Man, talk about a rollercoaster. The ups, the crashing downs, and the crazy flux between. Striving for better but feeling completely alone, completely worthless, just totally tanked as you’re trying to make these decisions to better your life. Re-surfacing from all of the drinking and partying and drugs, and you’re facing all of the pain you’d been avoiding, and now you can see it all, and it’s terrifying. There’s so much pressure to hide from it again, to medicate, to bury your sorrows, to cover up your scars…and yet, you persevere. Amidst it all. You have strength and fortitude, power and determination. That is truly remarkable.
Reading back through your story, it sounds like you feel like no one has your back, like you have enemies on all sides, and like you have no where safe to land.
It seems like the place where you, in your own story, found all of those things was in God. And surrounding yourself with people who believed the same thing and would encourage you in that path was helpful. Going to church was a healthy time for you where it encouraged your faith and helped you feel connected to God.
How I love you, Lord! You are my defender. The Lord is my protector; he is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; he defends me and keeps me safe. I call to the Lord, and he saves me from my enemies. Praise the Lord! -Psalm 18:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, a help always near in times of great trouble. -Psalm 46:1
It sounds like you’re wanting to return to your foundation and your faith. The help you seek, God’s eager to provide. What would it look like for you to turn to him in these trying times?
Lately it’s been looking like serving, whether that’s in church or whatever else, its just been a tough time even lately because everywhere I go it seems theres people talking about me behind my back, rumors being spread, and just a whole lot of drama, it makes me almost hate church.
What turns me to God more than anything is music, worship, and fellowship. It’s just been a consistant struggle trying to find that, with anyone, anywhere.
You put it perfectly in saying I feel no one has my back and I’m surrounded by enemies, because that’s exactly where I am, it seems impossible to break through, and I’m growing impatient with waiting for stuff to get better.