This just feels like delaying tactics, not healing

[inharmonic]

So I’m fighting against pretty long standing depression, and recently developed anxiety.
Depression is the big one though, and it’s been a while so I’ve kind of forgotten what ‘normal’ or okay is supposed to feel like.

I’m a 25y/o musician, artist and friend, a son and a brother, shoulder-to-lean-on to some and have a job I love. I’m currently living in one of my favourite places on earth, financially more stable than I’ve been in pretty much ever, and nothing’s really going wrong at all.

Except it is. It’s all wrong and I feel so cripplingly hopeless, and I just keep sinking into this abyss.

I finally saw the GP about my issues a few months back, and am on antidepressants - with some backup plan tablets to help with panic attacks etc if I need them. I’m seeing a counsellor fairly regularly, and she’s great… fantastic listener and helps me see unhelpful thoughts, she unwarps my head and gives me positive, constructive ideas to get through this and enjoy life. I saw her yesterday and had a great day.

Then today I’m driving home from town, and the suicidal thoughts hit me again. Log trucks and trees start to look real friendly, and I’m wondering just how well these goddamn airbags really work.

And for what?

This whole cycle is never ending. It’s been weeks since I curled up in the fetal position and begged not to exist, or skipped dinner because I couldn’t trust myself around knives. Which for me is a long time, and I’m so proud of these steps and progress I’m making. Last night I had a wholesome, healthy dinner, read a book with some gentle instrumental jazz on in the background and it was sublime… I went to bed relaxed and even slept well, looking forward to my days off and full of ideas for things I wanted to do.

But days like today I just feel like I’m putting off the inevitable. Like suicide’s got my name all over it and it’s just a matter of time, so what’s the point in all this effort? The struggle is relentless, even when the days are good… better than before… and I’m starting to just think why save my untimely end for another day?

I don’t know what to do any more, I’m trying so fucking hard and it just keeps coming around.
I’m sick of delaying what feels like the inevitable.

[johnathanford]

You’re such an incredible person. I mean that. You are made in the image of God himself, and he put YOU specifically in this world. I used to be suicidal too but God pulled me out of that. I told my dad what I was struggling with and he prayed for me and it instantly left. And even though I slipped back in several months later, God kept bringing me back and showed me how much purpose my life has. He’s the Light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe it’s no accident that you posted on here.

I also know the struggle of trying with all your strength and feeling like nothing’s happening. But one thing I’ve learned is that my strength just isn’t enough sometimes (actually ever). You don’t have to be some super spiritual person, but just ask God for help. He’ll give you his energy, and I believe that he will show you your purpose, because I see that you have so much of it!

I don’t think it was a good thing that I was suicidal, but in retrospect I wouldn’t change it because I’ve gotten to see how my story has helped give hope to people in the same place. And that makes it worth it. I believe that it will be the same for you. You’re going to help so many people.

Suicide does not have your name written all over it, because you have God’s name written on you as someone who was made in his image. Jesus got himself killed so that we would never have to die. You were born to live, and to live forever. I have so much hope for you.

[Monkey]

Hey Inharmonic,

My friend, I love you! I want to start with this, because reading your story just made me weep, because my friend, I feel like I was reading my own story back to myself, and it breaks my heart to see someone else going through so much pain and hurt.

I am so so glad that you reached out! I want you to know that you are loved, and your life matters! You are welcomed here, and we want to be able to walk along side you in life, and help in any ways that we can! You are not alone, and your story matters! We care! I care!

That feeling honestly sucks, it’s like you feel like things are getting better, that you’re doing better then all of a sudden you have that rush of emotions, and you find yourself wanting to die, and being comfortable with death! I wish I had the words to explain how much you deserve life, and how much I want to promise you that better days are to come (because i know that they are), but as I sit in this rut myself, I just want you to know that I see you, that I feel you, and that I am so so so sorry that you are going through this!

You are so loved friend, and I want you to know that my dms are open to you if you need to talk! Feel free to dm me here, and I’ll get you some information so we can stay in contact. Because I don’t want you to ever ever ever feel like you are on your own through this! Because you are not! You are loved!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

[inharmonic]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I’m sorry that you’re likely here on account of your own struggles, and wish you all the strength you need to see another sunrise. I know these feelings and internal wars make us all stronger though; life is difficult right now, but the only constant in life is change. I know there will be better days ahead for us all.

Thank you for making me feel understood, and part of this wonderful community. I love you all.

[HoldOntoHope24]

You are absolutely not alone! It’s so hard trying to barely get by day to day, putting on a smile, when in reality we feel like we are drowning in darkness. I fantasize about suicide almost daily because it’s sometimes the only thing I feel gives me hope. I know that is not true but some days it feels that way. I commend you for your courage! The fact that you are able to open up and share these painful feelings is so powerful. I am encouraged by you!

When life feels like it’s over and the darkness is taking over, reach out to Jesus. He will provide an escape. It won’t be easy at all but it will be there. I had a plan to commit suicide in my early 20’s. I just couldn’t bear the pain and suffering anymore. As a last resort, I dropped to my knees and begged Jesus for healing. He gave me the courage to call the suicide hotline and I was blessed to talk to a wonderful person who gave me strength to make it through the night. That was almost 10 years ago. Jesus’ strength is sometimes the only thing that gets me through hour by hour, day by day all these years later when the intense pain is still very real!

Please stay strong and have hope my friend. You are loved and valued! I care about you and we all care about you! Each day, every day! I know it’s hard to see that at times but it is 100% true! Thank you for just being you!