Too Good at Goodbyes

[Monkey]

Hey guys,

First off just want to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my US friends, I hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday, and remember to always count your blessings. You are loved, valued, and important. Hold fast, and never give up.

To get into the topic of the post now… The title says it all, I’m too good at goodbyes, a lot of goodbyes that I didn’t want to have to say, and a lot of goodbyes that I quickly regretted soon after. But specifically the goodbyes to ex boyfriends. For those of you who don’t really know my story the TLDR; most of my past relationships have been abusive both physically as well as mentally. But eventually whether their choice or mine the relationships came to an end, and I just didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t let them go.

So as I’m sitting home alone on Thanksgiving my mind wonders back to them, my mind wonders how are they doing, are they okay. Maybe I should text them and tell them Happy Thanksgiving, maybe they want to hear from me… or maybe they don’t. I’m one who wants to seek answers to everything, and unfortunately in those relationships there’s a lot of questions that are left unanswered, and may forever be left that way.

I want to know, why did you abuse me… why did you hit me… why did you break my jaw… why was the love only conditional… what the hell is true love and actual love supposed to be… Why didn’t my parents love me, why am I a disappointment to my parents and everyone around me… All the things that are left unanswered and leave me feeling worthless… But yet people tell me I’m not ready for the answers… I’m not in the place to receive the answers… but really is there ever a good time to get the answers? Will it only hurt me so much more?

So here I am wondering why I’m still here, and why I’m still fighting. I don’t have much strength in me, and I find myself pulling away from the people who love me the most, support me the most, and just want to see the best for me (aka the people in this community). But it’s scary. My logic has always been that it’s better to leave yourself, then to have someone leave you because it hurts less. But they promise me daily that they aren’t going anywhere, and that I’m safe here… but I’ve heard that a million times, and I trust them. But every time I love, and every time I trust, it only leads to me being hurt.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you guys, and I love this community. I love how supportive this community is, but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to run, but I’m so scared to stay. Sorry for the ranting post, that makes no sense, and probably sounds stupid. Just know I love you guys!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

[MentallyillGamer]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U
Yes. I know what it is like to be hurt. Knowing you want to be liked/loved but only receiving a rejection. Some say they love you, but then they hurt you physically/mentally. You trust them sometimes because your family/friends trust them. Yet when nobody else is looking or even if they are. These people take advantage of you. They do things that you shouldn’t do to another human being. Let alone someone you love/like. You start to fear everything. You don’t trust anyone. You can’t because if another lie was told or a promise is broken what little strength you think you have might be extinguished. You can’t trust those around you no matter how much they show you how they care. It is all because of your experience and the past.
You begin to doubt yourself. Did you make a wrong or right choice? Am I being punished? Can I trust anyone or even myself? These people (especially IRL) say they care but do they or when they see how damaged that I am will they run for the hills or decide the damage to me wasn’t enough and contribute more?
You start to lose it. Not just the hope, but your mind. You feel the distraught, the pain and anguish all surrounded by the fear. You start becoming your own worse enemy suffering, feeling like your drowning in a warm decadence. The loneliness drowns out your cries and soon your heart either starts racing in desperation or like me, it begins to die. It still beats and those beats are hollow. For you know you have wounds that will never heal or scars that seep. You look for it to go away, but that empty pit (that consuming void) stays. It makes you second guess yourself. It confuses you about what kind of regret you have and whether or not you should’ve been born. One day, you find a person or a community that hurts almost as much as you do. That understands your circumstances. That can relate or sympathize. If you never had a family, you begin to figure out what one could be. Even if you have a family and they’re full of themselves, you find a group or community where they help, aid and most of all be humane to you as much as they can give.
Heart support with its members is such a space. I would even dare call it a safe place. I am honored to be a member of this community. This is why I like to be active. I think there is a thing called compassion and where there is compassion then there is love. Of all the things I don’t understand. I am sure I don’t understand love. Yet I know if anywhere it is found among the membership of this community. This community cares. I hope one day I grasp what it knows.