i thought coming out as pan-sexual and transgender(male to female) would be the hardest thing i’d ever have to do
i thought that people would just let me be, accept me for me
i was wrong, i was so wrong
everything i do seems to make people want to hurt me, physically and mentally
all i want to do is live life as the girl i was always meant to be, to go out in public wearing leggings and a nice top, to wear heels and a nice dress to the club, to wear makeup and carry a nice bag
but no matter what i do there is always someone calling me names, shouting at me in the pub, or someone closer to me deciding to out me because they think its funny
all of this has led to panic attacks, social anxiety, self harm and a suicide attempt
tonight i decided to wear a mini skirt, fishnets and heels with my ‘still here still fighting’ suicide survivor t-shirt, my friends thought i looked cute, i thought i looked cute
but a group of guys in the club thought otherwise, they cornered me in the smocking area and shouted some really hurtful things at me, told me to kill myself because i ‘clearly didn’t do a good enough job the first time’
a couple of my friends stepped in and the bouncers got involved, we left shortly after
but this kind of thing happens so often, i feel like im letting my friends down, like im ruining their lives when i breakdown in the street, when we have to leave because of people harassing me
i feel like they won’t miss me if i was gone, they could live their lives without all the trouble that i seem to attract
im tired of being unable to live my life how i want, to wear what i want wherever i want
im tired of life