Trouble in Paradise

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I actually have had a sort of emotionally exhausting scuba diving trip… it’s all older people with kids and more diving experience… but well this came from the wild one of the group but maybe she’s just the most honest…

Disclaimer(my mom was extremely emotionally abusive and semi physically abusive): so I find myself at fault for everything

I’ve been crazy anxious all trip saying sorry as much as I did in high school (over 10-20 times a day?ish?) … stuttering… saying the wrong words… super embarrassing… the lady and I were talking and she was also drunk and I’d helped her to there room. She said how sweet and genuine I was… then as we talked she said your eyes look like a grandmothers and you talk like you are 12…

Idk that hurt so much… I hate saying sorry. What people don’t get is I say it because I genuinely feel at fault. I was so anxious this trip because I didn’t know anyone, I wanted to impress everyone, and I was just honestly so happy. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety most of not all of my life, and the previous year I struggled daily with fantasizing death. (Any suggestions for help fantasizing death would help too…)

This was the happiest I’ve been since my Fiji trip (4 years ago), which made me happy and sad. Because it’s taken me 4 years to find that type of happiness again. That made me forget wanting to die or not feeling loved.

But as soon as she said that idk it sucked up my happiness like a dementor. All my “you should go die” thoughts came to the surface. Like should I die now? You probably should if you are 25 and talking 12 you sound like an idiot. Saying meters instead of feet or miles or kilometers. Forgetting ALL of my dive stuff I had learned although in 2015…

I just was so sad, because my anxiety just gets worse when I’m happy. And idk I don’t mind talking 12 maybe because I think they are entertaining, fun, and happier than adults. But I’m worried I’m wrong and I need to learn to speak like an adult…

I just hate that I hate myself for being happy. I hate that my suicidal thoughts came back. I hate that everyone can’t like me. I just want to love, appreciate, and make everyone happy. I know I can’t, but it breaks my heart.

I just thought, I may be dumb. I may talk like a 12 year old, but at least I’m happy. At least I try to build people up.

This world and the people just make me so sad. Again, I feel like kids give me hope for happiness and joy, and adults suck the life right out of me.

Please pray for me to find Hope. Hope for my life. Hope for people. Hope for the world.

Advice on how I should look at the situation, fantasizing death, and everything else would be a dream …

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Hi friend,

This is a couple days old. Sorry that nobody got to this post yet. I wanted you to know that I saw this and read it!

You know what? You shouldn’t beat yourself up or apologize for who you are and how you are. You are your own person. It sounds like when she said that, that she meant it in a sweet way. That you had mature eyes and seemed young at heart. She seemed to appreciate your sweet demeanor. I’m sure she would have felt horrible if her compliment hurt your feelings when she was trying to appreciate how genuine you seemed.

But I can understand the feeling. As someone who is autistic and has learning disabilities, I often sound like I’m a lot younger than what I am. I’m 34 and often feel like I’m trapped in the mind of a teenager. It really bothers me. And there are times where I feel like people that are younger than me are way more mature or mentally ahead of me. And that can really bring me down. So I can someone get it.

But you shouldn’t beat yourself up. I’m kinda the opposite. People younger than me often make me uncomfortable and I feel more comfortable around older people. Not people my age. OLDER people. I feel like I am more understood and accepted by old people than those my own age. I feel like Im small and insignificant to those close to my age and younger.

But, we have to learn to love ourselves. To appreciate who we are despite what others may say. I know that’s often easier said than done. But you deserve self love. You are important and valued and should value yourself <3

Have you ever thought about talking to a counselor, a friend or a loved one about how you feel? A counselor could maybe help you confront these feelings about yourself and help you work through them.

Anyway, I’m sorry I don’t have better answers. I just saw this and I wanted you to know that someone sees you. Someone hears you. Someone cares. Okay? And I appreciate you taking the time to share something about yourself here. Being vulnerable. So much love to you.

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I’m sorry you’re struggling like this–it’s absolutely a challenge, especially when we hear a comment and immediately break it apart in the worst way.

My initial thought though, was maybe they were referring to a youthful outlook–maybe that person didn’t mean 12 as in adolescent, but as in inspiring, like, you’ve retained some of that innocence we all lose as we get older. I mean, if I were in your shoes I would immediately pick apart and analyze everything I’ve ever done in my entire life to warrant that kind of comment so I 100% get it.

I think anxiety tends to have us on high alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Try to work on mindfulness and identifying your feeling in that moment, and realize that it’s just a feeling, and it’s not reality.

Echoing what @anon17277947 said, if you don’t yet, I’d encourage you to look for a counselor or another certified professional to help you work through these feelings and obstacles–we can all offer encouragement but most of all, the way to work on healing and acceptance is through a more qualified professional (I’ve been in therapy for most of my life and it wasn’t until college I actively sought out and went on a regular basis—it really does help).

So much love to you, friend. <3

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I’m sorry that you had to deal with the abuse. Also I wouldn’t take what that lady said to heart. She probably said it since she was drunk. Also I’m sorry that you deal with depression, anxiety, and fantasizing about death. When it comes to thinking about death do something that will distract your mind. Do something you enjoy like a hobby or interest. That could be listening to music, reading a book, watching a show or movie, etc. I’m also sorry that you have negative thoughts and it’s good that you try to help people. Don’t try to be too hard on yourself. Helping people shows you have good character. Also maybe you should work with kids or do volunteer work with kids since you said how it brings you enjoy. I hope you’re situation and your mental health get better soon where you don’t have a lot of anxiety or negative thoughts.