I took a mental health day from work today. (Which is huge for me, I do not normally give myself mental health days because I work for a small school and we literally do not have substitute teachers to cover)
But in the last three days I’ve been crying on the train, crying while my students and coworkers aren’t looking and barely eating. This is the most depressed I’ve been in awhile. Normally I can get a handle on it, but this time it hasn’t been so easy. I think it’s because it’s the end of the school year and I’m most likely not returning to the school I’m currently working at next year (by choice.) Not knowing what I’ll be doing next year brings up a lot of uncertainty which can trigger my depression and anxiety. We were in a staff meeting yesterday and I started scratching at my arm and didn’t realize it until it was near bleeding. I’m almost 3 years clean, I really don’t want to mess that up.
The truth is I don’t know if I want to teach anymore. I know I’m good at it, but it’s not currently where my heart is and I don’t know what else I would/can do. My degree is in teaching, that’s what I spent four years doing. But the more I do it, the less I enjoy it. The education system in America is royally screwed, but that’s a whole different discussion.
I think I know what I want to do, but I don’t know if it’s feasible, or possible.
When I was a kid, (middle school age) all I wanted to do was write. I wrote everything, everywhere and just about every day. I had dreams of publishing and writing books. Then I got older and people told me that was pretty unrealistic so I gave up on it and decided to become a teacher because I guess it seemed like a safe choice and I’m good with kids. Now at 25 that dream is back. I’ve had the really cool opportunity to meet authors of some of the books that I’ve read and it’s been amazing and the more I talk to writers the more I want it but I don’t know if it’s something I can have(does that make sense?) And I see so many other people near achieving that dream or a similar one and I want that but I feel so stuck and I think its the combination of feeling stuck in what im currently doing, and not feeling like I’ll be able to make that dream a reality that’s making me depressed.
Love you guys <3
-Ash