Trying to understand social anxiety

Hey everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice on how you all deal with your social anxiety. It seems many people here struggle with that. I have struggled with it most of my life but the older I get it seems to get worse. I was hoping we could have a conversation about this because I am trying to understand it and hopefully we can all help each through our rough days.

I would consider myself extremely introverted. More often than not, I would rather be alone that with a group of people. For as long as I can remember I have been this way. I struggle so much with making friends and creating lasting friendships. I feel like an awful person because I can’t seem to find any friends I truly feel close with. Maybe it’s because I am so afraid to get out of my comfort zone and go do social activities.

For example, I am supposed to go out tonight with my wife for a friend’s birthday. This person is more of my wife’s friend but I know most of the people. In all honesty, I am dreading it. The majority of these people are all already friends from long before my wife and I came into the picture. Most of them have large groups of friends and are extroverted. I never feel like I fit in with them and I always feel left out from the conversation. This in turn makes me want to go out less and less and I feel like I have no value to bring to any friendship.

How do you all deal with your social anxiety? What helps you? What are some ways you cope?

For me, it’s just a matter of going out and doing it. I usually end up having a fine time but the fear that precedes it is massive. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. It’s a painful feeling for sure and it adds to my depression and anxiety.

Sorry for writing a novel but I really want to learn from others here. Thanks for taking the time to read this. You all are amazing and I am grateful for the love and support here. Stay strong my friends.

  • Geoffrey

Hey Geoffrey

I definitely connect with everything you said. Going out and doing stuff is really hard for me too, and it always seems more comfortable to just stay in and watch tv or play videos even though I know it’s not very healthy. I’ll get a text from someone asking to hang out and what I try to do is I will write out a response saying “No thanks, I’m going to stay home” and then delete it and say yes. It helps me look at the big picture and think “Well, if I want to make more friends I need to take chances and go out more often even if I don’t like it.” Obviously your situation is a little bit different but that’s one thing that’s helped me.
Your self-talk (As in, the things you say to/about yourself in your head) is super important in how you live your life, and when you tell yourself “I bring no value to friendship, I don’t fit in, I’m dreading this” then those things start to define you all the time. Try telling yourself, “I’m glad to be here and I’m happy to celebrate this person even if I don’t know them very well.” Say it in your head until you start to believe it, and it will come true.
Anyways, I’m definitely no expert and still need help in taking my own advice, but hopefully that helps. Good luck tonight, and remember that you have immense value as a friend and a husband.

Hang in there friend,
Jaden

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Hey Jaden,

Thanks so much for the wonderful post. That was great advice and advice I have not heard before. I really liked it! The idea of writing out a text to put it into words and then replacing it with the better and healthier response is incredibly smart. I will have to try that the next time someone texts or emails about an event. I can see how that would be beneficial.

Also, I think you are spot on about what we tell ourselves, whether positive or negative. I struggle with saying positive things about myself; I am constantly putting myself down. The fact that you talked about positive and confident affirmations makes a lot of sense. I am glad these things help you in your struggles. You have really helped me to look at this in a different way and for that I am grateful my friend.

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I will take these things to heart for sure! I hope you have a great day and a wonderful week. Take care!

Best,
Geoffrey

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