I just need to get my thoughts out. None of this is going to make any sense and I’m sorry. I guess first all I can say is that I’m sorry. This community has constantly offered me love and support and advice and I’ve done nothing but push you guys away! And I wish I could explain why, I wish I could tell you why I push you guys away. When you guys tell me, “you’re safe here… we love you… it’s okay…” all my mind hears is… this is temporary… don’t get close… don’t listen to them… remember your fate is set, you know where you’re headed, you know where your worth is.
There’s so many people in this community that have invested countless hours into me. Nate and Danjo have invested so freaking much in me. Hours of love and support, hours of voice chats, hours of them telling me over and over again telling me Olivia… you’re worth it… you’re loved. And I just sit back and my mind won’t believe it… my heart won’t let me love… my heart built a wall around itself, and doesn’t allow anyone in. I feel stupid, because then I’m so lost when I’m alone. When it’s three am and I’m laying in my bed… Everyone in the world is asleep but me… It’s just me… my thoughts… the blades and my pills… I cry out… saying please don’t let me wake up tomorrow. But daily… every freaking day I’m reminded… “monkey we love you, you’re safe here, it’s okay.”
I’m left constantly not feeling good enough. I used to have so many dreams and aspirations. Things I wanted to do, things I enjoyed doing. But now I just can’t. I can’t even apply for internships, because I can’t deal with once again being told sorry but you’re not good enough. I’ve been told and shown for 21 years that I’m not good enough.
I try to put things into perspective in the best way possible. Imagine being taught and told and shown that you pour milk into the bowl of cereal first. For 21 years you do that, and then all of sudden people in your life come around and say hey that’s not how you do that. And so you’re relearning something after 21 years of doing it a different way.
Talking about relearning things, I’m also relearning how to cope with situations. Before yesterday I was ten days clean from pills and eight days clean from self harm. Part of that was because there was a baby inside me, and I feared that when I miscarried I would turn back to drugs and self harm and that’s what I did. I’ve spent the entirety of the past 24 hours high out of my mind, just to try to numb some of this pain, and to maybe feel alive.
I’m sorry for making another post on the support wall. But I made a promise that I wouldn’t isolate and that I would reach out no matter how hard it is. And so here I am. Broken… lost… and alone.
Hold fast, cause I can’t
Monkey