So i recently told my boyfriend im polyamorous and he said everything was fine. Then one of my other friends who is friends with him told him i was sleeping with one of my other friends because i was considering it. I hadnt talked to my boy about it because i knew he was going through stuff and I didn’t want to put that pressure on us. Now him and i are on a break and i honestly dont know what to do. It has been a week and i have basically stopped eating which is bad since i have acid reflux, ive become incredibly suicidal again, im always exhausted and have had the same headache since sept 10th. He says he needs some space and time so we haven’t talked at all. I am so incredibly depressed currently. I recently lost my father figure in August and i thought i could handle it because i had my guy but now ive lost them both. He was why i was so happy and thought i would be okay.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are going through currently!
The fact that you are able to be so vulnerable in sharing your heart is an act of strength.
First, I’m sorry to hear about the break you have with your boyfriend. That I’m sure is tough. I think being able to give him a little time is good to let things settle a little bit. Once things have settled for a little bit, I think it is important to be able to have an honest conversation about communication about your polyamorous lifestyle. It’s also probably important to set expectations on what it practically looks like moving forward with boundaries and such since he may be unfamiliar with the lifestyle and you can then educate him on it as well. I think this is important because it sounds as if he may be unfamiliar and gives him the opportunity to choose what he feels is best for him and vice a versa.
Lastly, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss with your father figure recently. Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things to endure and overcome especially with someone that meant so much to you. As painful as it is, I would encourage you to lean into confiding and being vulnerable with loved ones during this time. I know it’s hard but being surrounded by people who can encourage you and support you is the best way to continually heal. Healing takes long time, but helps the most surrounded by those who have your best interest in mind.
Remember we are here for you, in this community, and are rooting for you! Please let me know how things go.
-L
Ohilikeskittles,
What led you to want to be polyamorous? It seems like you care more about your boyfriend than you realized or than he realized, and that decision to allow yourself to peruse other men sexually seemed to be at the core of why he left you.
It seems like maybe when you were with this boyfriend you were feeling validated and loved and appreciated at the beginning but eventually it wore off or it wasn’t enough, and you missed that feeling of having boys pursue you and desire you, but you didn’t want to break up with your boyfriend because his consistency was filling a different hole, and having someone who you can always depend on when things go bad is something valuable for you, but it wasn’t enough – you still wanted that “high” of being desired and having someone fight for you. So you opened the relationship up to other men so you could have both – someone who is faithful to you and someone who is falling for you. And it seems like that decision is what caused the break…it pushed the man who chose to be faithful to you away.
If that’s somewhat accurate, it seems like your heart is in so much pain…because you’re not only facing the loneliness that you face on a daily basis, feeling like no love could ever fill the hole in your heart, but also you’re facing the loneliness of losing that relationship that meant a great deal to you and you didn’t realize it until it was gone.
I wish there was an easy answer here, like there was a magic pill you could take that would bring him back and also bring other men to you and fill your heart up so much so that you would never feel lonely or unworthy again. But what’s crazy is that trying to fill your heart with shortcuts is actually what does more damage to you in the long run.
Think about it this way…when you make this decision to be polyamorous, you’re saying to your own heart, “My boyfriends love is not enough,” why? “Because I’m still worthless.” So you decide that what would make you feel worthy of love is more love from more people. So you go and you find more love, you flirt with that guy, you consider hooking up together, you start to feel his desire for you, it temporarily makes you feel better, desired, loved, but then when the fling is over, you’re left feeling worthless again. So the thought becomes, “I just need more.” And what you’re doing is your actually training your heart to never be satisfied with love that you have. And so you’re TEACHING yourself to be unloved. You’re proving to yourself that you’re worthless, all the while feeling like you’re just “one relationship away” from being fulfilled. But the truth is there’s nothing “out there” that can fix the problem “in here” (in your heart). You actually have to heal your heart before you can be fulfilled in relationship. If you continue to chase this illusion that the next boy will be the one to make you feel truly loved, you’ll be left unsatisfied, burning so many relationships, hurting yourself and your body and your sexuality, and end up feeling even more worthless than when you began.
In order to become healthy, you must heal. And healing is a crazy journey. But it is so worth it. YOU are so worth it. Your HEART is so worth it. Are you willing to take that journey?
This honestly made to cry (in a good way) because this is all true. I told him i wasnt sure if I was. I think what lead me to believe this is as the 8 months went on our communication got so much worse and i was feeling hurt he didnt want to see me. When i ask myself now who i want (since i have that freedom currently) i only want him and to be in his arms. I have decided that if he doesnt contact me i will next week so we can talk these things out. He is truely someone i want to do everything with.