What is the point of life when I'm just miserable every day?

[NomadicWanderer]

I’m so sick of waking up to this everyday.

Even when I’m not actively thinking about the things that are stressing me out or giving me anxiety, I still feel the pressure and stress. The stress that eats away at my soul. That has stolen my life from me. Day after day, I wake up. I don’t look forward to anything. (With the exception of seeing Silent Planet the other night.) I literally sit around. Go on Facebook and other sites. Mindlessly. Or sit and stare in front of me. I’ll apply for jobs. But that’s the only productive thing I do. I don’t even try to do activities I used to enjoy. Not even something as mindless as watching Netflix. Why bother? I won’t enjoy it anyways.

I don’t remember the last time I was happy. Even at the concert the other night. I saw a couple of very heavy metal bands. Usually that would make me feel alive. To a point it did. But as I was standing there, head banging, rockin out. Even then, I noticed that the heaviness of the music couldn’t temporarily kill (even if just for the duration of the concert) the emptiness inside of me.

This is a new level of brokenness for me.

Usually heavy metal, live, where I feel the bass of the music pulsating through me as I stand right up by the stage, the aggressiveness of the music, will take that emptiness away. Totally. And while it definitely helped, when I noticed how I felt on the inside, I realized I felt that pit of emptiness, numbness.

This is scary.

I’m sinking even further.

I told God, about a month ago, that if he would use this struggle for His glory, I’d be okay with it. But I almost feel like Job. Where trial after trial came upon him. Because now that I became okay with feeling numb/empty, if God would use it for His glory, I’m realizing this stress/anxiety is affecting me physically. I usually can’t sleep at night, because my cortisol is probably too high. But then I wake up in the morning not well rested because of that. So, sleep deprivation, on top of how much the stress/anxiety saps strength of me on top of it. Not a good combination. I am SO sick of now not only dealing with the mental side of this, but now it’s making me chronically exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get. What gives? It’s like I told God use this for you glory. I could deal with the mental side of it, or at least I learned to. But then…now it’s affecting me physically. Seriously???

I want to believe that once I am more settled here in the US, have a job, have my own or at least permanent place to live, it will all be okay.

But I just keep sinking. Even when I returned from the Peace Corps in 2008, when I had barely any money and was way worse off financially. My relationship with God wasn’t as strong, as I was a fairly new believer. I actually was heart broken over leaving my church, friends, and a place I loved. Even then, I noticed I wasn’t as low as I am now.

Back then I had so many more reasons to feel worse than I do now. And yet, now, when I am okay money wise, I have a really nice place to stay with some people from church, I am glad to be back near family, have a car, more independence. I am mentally worse than I was back then.

That scares me.

I feel like I will never be okay. It’s like my body has a low threshold to deal with any monkey wrenches, so to speak, in life. And it just keeps getting lower. Worse and worse and worse.

I’m to a point where I wonder what the point of it all is. Why? I am in no way suicidal. But I’m so sick of waking up everyday to this shit. Sometimes I think, would it really be that bad if God took me during the night while I’m sleeping? Pain free way to go. And then I wake up in his presence without having to deal with feeling empty every damn day.

I can’t think that very long (not even two seconds) without feeling terrible for even thinking such things. As I know family and friends would be devastated. I think of my 3 year old niece when I think that way and it freakin pains me.

I really feel like I’m never going to feel whole again. I know God is with me. And I’ve written some awesome devotionals to not only encourage myself but also other people. All derived from this pain and frustration. God has drawn me close to Him in this.

But sometimes it’s too damn much.

I just want to feel alive!!!

[Kayla]

Remember back to one of your recent posts? About silent planet? All your answers are in there friend. You are doing so well and even if you don’t feel it - you are alive. That’s enough. Keep God close, he’s there with you. As are we. You’re never alone. Depression doesn’t need a reason to strike anyone. Don’t think just because practically you’re in a good place now, that your feelings are wrong or invalid. They are just as valid as they were the previous time you mention. Reach out to your family for some support - you know they care and don’t want anything to happen to you so use that as the strength you need. You don’t have to tell them everything - just the parts that they can be of use with if that’s all you can say. (Sorry this is short I’m at work xD)

Hold fast
Kayla

[Eric]

Hey @NomadicWanderer,

To answer the title of your post: The point is to fight, find happiness and love other people. I hate going through dark and difficult seasons, but there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. Some seasons are much, much longer than others, and it’s frustrating (at least for me) to not know when the season will change, but it WILL change. It sounds like every day is a difficult struggle for you, but happiness might just be right around the corner. Thank you for continuing to reach out to us - I hope that you find hope and inspiration through HeartSupport. We care about you and we want to see you beat this, and WHEN you do, we want to come alongside with you to celebrate it!! Please just keep pushing. You’ll come out stronger than ever.

-Eric

[crystalkirby]

you are strong and you just gotta keep trying. You’re in a rut right now and thats okay. It happens to the best of us. Just take time for you and do the things that used to make you happy and find that happiness again. heres a quote ive loved for years and years and it helped me be a better me.

“It’s difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No one really feels self-confident deep down because it’s an artificial idea. Really, people aren’t that worried about what you’re doing or what you’re saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.” - Russell Brand

[IsThereHope]

Hi, I’m new here, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I do the same thing with mindlessness on the internet because I feel like it’s better than having to deal with my thoughts. I know what it feels like to lose the things that you love and that when you do, you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself too. I know what it feels like to think things will never get better, finally hope that they will, think that everything’s better and then crash even further than before. Eventually, you start to ask yourself why you keep trying. I’m glad you’ve remained close to God in this. Have you read Psalm 13? It’s one of my favorite passages because David is hopeful in the midst of his despair. I am sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are not going through it alone.

[Curatio]

It’s going to be okay you have god on your side
And sometimes that’s all you need

Maybe you could try this

Remember when you mentioned silent planet try finding one thing anything to look forward to that month start with large periods of time so you can build hype then as you get better at this skill shorten the wait periods that way you have something to feel happy about and forget just for a little while about the emptiness and numbing feelings inside

I hope this helps

“This too shall pass”