I’ve never done this sort of thing before and I thought I’d give it a go because I really don’t know what else to do anymore. I feel pathetic, I feel stupid, I feel embarrassed, I feel worthless, and I feel like I’ll never be able to see the light again. Each day i wake up and tell myself that today is day 1 and it will get easier from here on out but day 1 never ends. I go to all my family and friends with my same issues and i know everyone is tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again when the answer to my problem is so clear. To be blunt, I’ve wasted my first 3 years of college, I’ve made barely any friends. I started dating a guy for a year long distance and we fell in love. We broke up we got back together unofficially, he cheated and had to tell me because there was a chance he got an STD(I was fine thank god) but I went back. After all of this he started to pull away very hard, he stopped calling and texting everyday he basically told me he thought it would be good if we took some space for a while… whatever the hell that means…but here I am texting him begging him to be my friend. How much more pathetic does that get? I try to think positive but all I do is think about how pathetic, embarrassing, and WEAK I am. I have barely any friends because all his friends were my friends and I Have never felt more alone in my whole life. I tried to block him and move on. I got a new job, I’m taking summer classes, I’m working out but nothing works. At the end of the day I know the minute he reaches out to me (even now if it’s out of pitty) I will give in. I’m embarrassed with myself, I feel like there is no way out. I want to talk to a therapist but getting one is hard. I make excuses I say it’s ok the way I’m treated I justify it but in the end I continue to get hurt and I just don’t know how it will ever get better. I feel stuck.
@Dumbgirl,
I don’t know what’s next for you. Hell, I don’t even know what’s next for me. I pretty much don’t have any friends either, and am waiting for the day I die. I’ve pretty much wasted my first 3 years of High school because of a Lawnmower injury (Long Story). I’ve never really gotten any girl attention, so I don’t know what you or your species usually think. It feels weird, trying to give support to people I don’t know, can’t see, and can’t hear. I’m only 18, and yet everyday I feel like my life is burning away. I hope that you can find the will you need to survive, and move on to find someone who wants to value you. I wish that I could say that Day 1 and 2 and on gets easier, but it never does. It just get more common, and you know what to do more and more as you see each day begin. We are strangers, you and I, but for some reason, I feel a kinship looking at your post. Somehow, despite not even knowing your name, I wish that you can do what I can’t seem to do, heal. Become Stronger.
I’m crazy for saying this, but understand that people on this site will try to help you heal. This site at times has helped keep me sane what all I want to do is blow off my head. This is for you, not me, so if you need to talk, talk to me or post something else on this site, do that.You don’t have to answer me, nor do you have to acknowledge what I’m trying to give you, so don’t feel like you have to respond to me.
I hope this post helped you,
Jason Mills
@Altogryph81 thank you, I appreciate your response. You seem like someone I would have been friends with when I was 18. I’ve been where you are too and as cliche as this is, it does get better. When I was at 19 i believe, I self harmed had suicidal thoughts and I thought there was never going to be a next. Then I met the guy who changed my life. Although now I think this may be the root to my problems now, life is honestly pretty crazy and I bet by the time you graduate high school your life I’ll start to change too. Life can really be a crazy roller coaster. Look forward to that. If you can find self love, that is all you’ll ever need ( or so I’ve been told, I’m still working on that).
@Dumbgirl,
Did not expect you to change your name that quickly… usually people wait a few days xD. But besides that, maybe I will find the love of my life (Imagine if it was like narcissus… Shudder). I don’t know. I’ve also mutilated my body (Mainly, my right arm, so we relate in that category too), and I have suicide thoughts on the weekly. But this is for you, not me. If you really want to know what my problems are, just look up the story: I want to disappear… and here’s why (warning, it’s pretty long, and the English at times just doesn’t click right). I will try and find self love, but I’m posting here because you are in pain, and need help right now, I’m sort of okay (I think…). What’s helping me right now is music, and I listen to music all the time (The profile picture I’m using is from the band Senses Fail).
I hope this post helped you in some way,
Jason Mills
Thank you for posting. I understand how draining it can be to feel like you’ve wasted so much time in your life. For 3 years I did a college course than was 4 academic levels LOWER than the level I’m at and the people on that course were all from very rough backgrounds, so stuck together and saw me as a threat…because of this, I didnt make any friends until my final year… Even then, this person didn’t want anything to do with me, it wasn’t until she was put into a highly dangerous situation by her friend that she realised who she should really have been involved with. I spent 7 years addicted to prescription pain pills, and tried killing myself several times… I also come from a highly abusive household, and honestly, even when I first came to this community and was shown the love and respect I get, I still wanted to die. I thought everyone was out to hurt to me, that it was all fake… It took time, but, I know now I have people here who will do everything in their power to keep me safe, if I let them in and be honest with them… Does it make me pathetic that I need help from people who love me to keep me safe? No. Needing help with where you’re at right now doesn’t make you pathetic. The fact you recognise it and asked, makes you incredibly strong.
Take advantage of the resources HeartSupport has. They are all there for you.
Hold Fast
Kayla
I’ve felt pathetic. I have a habit of obsessing over one guy when I’m alone. But of course, my brain told me that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me (even though we are friends). I’ve often felt that acting on these obsessions would be seen as pathetic, and I’ve felt ashamed for the couple of times that I did let him know my feelings.
I also need to be better about not basing my value on my relationship status. I’ve been focusing more on developing my skills for myself and less on whether he would admire that part of me.
I just want to say here you are loved and not alone!!! You got this! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
HI guys @Danjo
I just wanted to write back because I am honestly blown away by the responses you three have given me. Each and every thing you said in that video really made an impact in the way I view my situation and the way I view myself. The way that you all interpreted my post really shined a new light in a way I didn’t even realize myself. self love i think–well i don’t think, i know is the root to my issues. Before this relationship I was lost in a depression of figuring out who I was and then when this guy (someone i had been friends with for years before-hence all our friends are the same) came in to my life romantically, all those bad feelings of depression just vanished. It was my first experience with depression that i was aware of and I was 19. fast forward 1 year and after the first breakup i was a mess, as anyone would be, but I began to see myself grow, and i loved that person. I was excited for future all while being so sad about loosing who i thought was the love of my life. I realized on and off that maybe this person wasn’t the right one for me because I felt this sense of relief when we ended. He continued to bother me after the break up and i didn’t want to be weird so i tried to be friends with him even though it was hurting me to see him living his life without me. eventually he realized he fucked up and pulled me back in as soon as i was about to be free. Like one of you said, the relationship was abusive, maybe not physically, but emotionally. Over the course of the last 6 months he became better than ever before fixing what his issues were before in our relationship. Then about week or two ago all the truths came out. And now this is where i find myself alone, back at the bottom. I feel betrayed, but i blame myself and i feel stupid for falling for this horrible selfish human being again.I feel that since i have not found this self love that when ever he leaves I am nothing again and thus i become more vulnerable to accepting the little ounce of respect he can offer me. As for this community, I feel honored that you all took the time to reach out to me in this way and I found it incredibly useful. You are all so intelligent with the way you were able to pin point some of these issues for me just by that small post i made last night.
Thank you again,
D