My familys tell me that I keep doing the same things wrong, like I never learn. I don’t know why I keep doing it or exactly what it is. It’s killing me. I want to learn and to grow, I want that to be me. Why do I keep screwing up?
My sister told me that I always piss people off, that I’m stubborn and dont listen. I think that rebellious feeling comes from when I was bullied when I was in elementary school. I just don’t want anyone to trick me or use me like my old ‘friends’ used to. I’m afraid for that to happen ever again and I don’t know when is the time I should relent, when is the time to just shut up and listen. I just feel stuck, like I’m always going to be this way.
Please help me. I don’t want to be like this, but I need advice I don’t know what to do
I used to do the same thing, expecting people to trick me or have bad intentions, and so I put up a front. I think I’ve learned (many years later) that the actions of bullies is about them, not me/you, and they often (in my experience, not always) will learn to change as they mature and recognize their own issues. Unfortunately, that can’t erase how they have affected you. For me, what helped was recognizing that they were struggling too, which allowed me to feel sorry for them and forgive them later on. Now, even if someone treats me poorly, I tell myself that they made a choice and I too have a choice, to walk away, to not respond, to respond with kindness, etc. It’s hard to change habits and defense mechanisms, you’re definitely not the only person who has felt stuck. But learning to let go of hurt feelings and be positive towards others is beneficial to you, you will draw positive people to you and learn to recognize them. And for those who aren’t, your positivity might help push them in the right direction too. They may very well be putting up the same defenses you are now. There is balance between letting people in and letting people take advantage of you, setting boundaries for yourself can help and that doesn’t have to mean pushing people away, it can simply mean learning to say no when something doesn’t serve you.
I would also add, be patient with yourself. It’s a process, which includes making mistakes. Part of the process of growing and changing is making mistakes, and learning to recognize them and using them to help us continue on our journeys. They don’t mean we are failing, just bumps along the path.
I suggest making an outline of all the things that your family say that you are repeating. (Sometimes having an outline helps. Also, Start keeping a journal of how you are interacting with people. Make details in that what you say & what they say. This way when you end up pissing people off. You can pinpoint the triggers and try to avoid them.)
Another way to handle this is to separate your feelings from your actions. (I know, myself that I get really insecure. So what I use to do is try to make a joke or do something that would make the other person like me. Yet the joke was demeaning or the other person didn’t really care about me, but was using me. In this you have to realize that what you are doing even if you don’t intend to.)
Also to realize feelings are reactions not actions. (This means people can figure out how to manipulate you by using triggers that will initiate certain responses through your feelings like joy & anger.
One way I deal with this is to Hesitate in a reply or interaction. This way I can brood a little bit about what just happened in my mind. This doesn’t work all the time. Yet it does work most of the time for me. I find when I remove my anger or fear or frustration or desperation from the equation and use my common sense or rationale that I react pretty differently than when I would let my feelings get the better of me.)